here. That despite all we’d lost, he’d been saved. I wished I could tell him how much it meant to have him near me, how much strength I gained by knowing another alpha would be in this fight. But following that trail of thoughts would get me in serious trouble. If I let him play the role of comforter when I felt this vulnerable, I’d end up doing something foolish.
“Fine.” I saw the flash of anger in his eyes before he headed in the opposite direction from the path Shay had taken. “Sweet dreams, Lily.”
When they were both out of sight, I wandered, slightly dazed, back to the stairs, climbing slowly toward the third floor and my room. I wondered if sleep would come. Despite how weary my limbs felt after the chaos of battles and clandestine rescue missions, my mind was in a frenzy.
By not choosing a mate, I was forced to lead alone. Was I strong enough to do that? The freedom of solitude swirled through my veins, equal parts joy and terror. When I reached my room, I paused, staring at the door for several minutes, pretending I wasn’t glancing every few seconds at the next door along the hall. Shay’s door.
Swearing under my breath, I gave up trying to ignore the pull toward his room. I hesitated outside. The episode with Ren had been the worst kind of blunder. I’d alienated both of them, but I was more worried about how I might have hurt Shay. Would he still be angry? Did he know that I’d wanted to be alone with him ever since Adne and I came back from Vail? Would he still want me, knowing that I had to try to keep a balance between the two alpha males?
I knocked on the door, cursing my own lack of conviction.
“Who is it?”
“It’s Calla.”
He made me stand in the dark hall for at least two minutes before he opened the door. He was wearing a plain white V-neck T-shirt that offered a teasing glimpse of his chest muscles and light cotton navy pajama pants. I had a similar but slightly more feminine set of sleepwear in my drawer. Apparently they were Searcher standard issue.
“What?” His unfriendly tone told me I wasn’t forgiven for what had happened downstairs.
“Can I come in?”
He walked away, leaving the door open. I followed him into the room, closing the door behind me. My pulse began to jump, knowing that I was alone with him in his bedroom. I’d been waiting for this moment all day, but now that I was here, I felt unsteady. Nerves rattled my bones. If Shay thought he couldn’t trust me, everything I’d fought for could fall apart.
Shay stretched out on his bed. He had a very old book propped on his chest.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Scion lore,” he said. “Apparently, being the Chosen One means you get homework.”
“Homework from Silas?”
“Yep.”
I stayed a few feet away from the bed, watching him. His lean form, lounging against the pillows, made my skin feel electric. I wished he would look up and stretch his arms out to me. He kept his focus on the book.
“So how long are you going to be mad?” I asked.
He didn’t answer.
I sighed. “Shay, I’m not trying to hurt you. I just think it would be a bad idea to rub Ren’s face in what’s going on with us. It could ruin everything.”
Shay laughed. “Way to use a dog metaphor.”
“You know what I mean.”
I also knew it was more than just keeping Ren’s temper in check, but I wasn’t sure Shay could handle that information. Saving Ren had been necessary. I didn’t want to admit how good it felt to have him back, to be near him again. But the constant buzz of hope that accompanied Ren’s return only made me feel worse about what I knew it must be doing to Shay. The malice roiling in both their eyes whenever the alphas looked at each other verged on explosive. As much as I wanted Ren beside me, Shay needed to know that I hadn’t abandoned him. I had no idea how I could balance the power between the two males without making Shay feel rejected. I’d made a terrible mess. Shay was angry with me and my instinct was to be defensive, but that wouldn’t solve anything.
He tossed the book aside, looking at me. “Look, I realize I’m being a jerk. I’m sorry. He brings out the worst in me. He always has.”
“The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem.” I smiled.
He laughed, but a moment later his somber expression returned.
“I can’t stop the spinning top that’s my brain right now,” he said. “I’m trying to figure out what it means to be the Scion, but all I want to do is find out where my parents are.”
“Logan hasn’t said anything?” I watched Shay’s chest rise and fall with a heavy sigh.
“He’s playing hard to get… or something,” he said. “I don’t even know if I believe they’re alive. I can’t stop thinking about them… and I know it’s not what I have to focus on right now.”
“No one would blame you for that, Shay,” I said. “Of course you want to find your parents.”
“As long as I save the world first,” he said.
“I guess there are strings attached,” I said, smiling.
“Strings tied to anvils,” he said. “Speaking of which, we have our own baggage and I think yours is ready to drag you back to the altar.”
“Shay-” A small growl came out when I spoke.
“You know I’m right,” he said. “Ren thinks you belong to him; he always has.”
“He’s an alpha,” I said, not wanting to defend Ren so much as try to explain the situation to Shay. “He still sees me as his mate.”
“And do you see yourself that way?”
“It’s complicated.” I looked at the ground.
“Maybe that’s why, with him around again, I feel like you don’t need me anymore.”
“How can you even think about that?” I asked, avoiding a direct answer. “You’re the Scion. You’re the only reason that the Searchers might be able to defeat the Keepers.”
“I thought Ren was the best hope for winning this war.”
“We do need Ren,” I said, ignoring his angry glance. “He could make or break a Guardian alliance. But all the Guardians in the world can’t do anything about wraiths. You can.”
“And yet that doesn’t seem to get me anywhere with you,” he said. “The wolves are what matter to you. More than anything.”
“Of course they do,” I said. “I’m an alpha.”
“So am I,” he said. “As much as Ren is. I’m newer to the pack-that’s all.”
“I know that, Shay.” I frowned. “But I think you’re missing the point.”
“You’re the one missing the point, Calla.” His smile was bleak. “Do you think being the Scion matters to me if I lose you? Because it doesn’t. None of this matters. You’re the reason I need to win this war. I’m fighting for you. Not for the Searchers. Not for anyone else. It’s all for you.”
My pulse thudded in my veins, heavy as a bass drum.
He lay back on the bed, gazing at the twinkling starlight above us. I watched him, wondering what to do. I didn’t need him. I didn’t want to need him. In order to lead, to fight this battle, I couldn’t afford to need anyone. But that didn’t mean I…
When I realized what had to happen, what I
“I don’t need you, Shay.” I couldn’t hide the hoarse edge of my words.
Shay grunted without looking at me. He didn’t see it when I pulled my shirt off.
“But I want you,” I said. My heart felt like it was in my throat. A raw vulnerability like nothing I’d ever felt churned within me, and I knew this was what real love was like. And it was terrifying.
He finally turned toward me, pushing his hair back out of his eyes. “You wa-whoa.” He sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed, but he didn’t stand.
I walked slowly toward him. “If I needed you, I wouldn’t be me.”
He didn’t reply, but I watched his Adam’s apple move up and down when he swallowed.
“Do you understand?” I asked. My hands were shaking.
