I reached the bridge. Thirty feet above the water, a stone wall, three feet high, served as a guardrail. Traversing the double yellow lines, I watched my feet, trying not to think about how cold I was as the fierce wind pressed into me head on. Walking became difficult, and I'd just thought to myself, 'Fuck this,' when I looked up and saw him.
Even in the blue dusk, I wasn't sure how I'd missed him before. On the left side of the road, near the end of the bridge, he sat on the stone wall. I squinted through the poor light. The dull throbbing of my heart pushed up into my throat, and I shuddered at his silhouette.
My first instinct was to run back to the car. I kept thinking, 'He's gonna kill you. You've come out here to let him kill you.' Twenty yards away, I knew for certain it was Orson. On the stone railing, facing west, his legs dangled over the river. I know he heard my footsteps, but he never turned his head. He just stared straight ahead at the magenta clouds in the sun's wake.
Cautiously, I climbed onto the wall. We sat four feet apart, and I let my legs hang out over the water, too. I eyed my brother, warily, for he had yet to acknowledge my presence. He wore dark jeans, a white fleece pullover, and worn hiking boots. His brown hair had grown out and was messy from the wind. I glanced down at the swift, silent current as it glided beneath the bridge, then spit and counted how long it took to reach the water.
'Where's your car?' I asked.
'Hitched a ride with a transfer truck this morning.'
'You were pretty confident I was coming. You been out here all day?'
'Since noon.'
We were quiet for some time. There was a somberness about him I'd rarely seen. He seemed deflated, like after a kill, when his victim could no longer suffer and the reality of his useless existence came crashing down on him.
'How are things back at the homestead?' he asked, smirking through his words.
'They think I murdered Mom,' I said. 'Beth Lancing wants to know where her husband is. That's the guy you killed in Vermont.'
'Well, I'm glad you came, Andy. It was the right thing to do. There's been a bunch of shit between us.'
'That surprises you after Mom?'
'It surprises me after last summer. I thought you knew me better. I tried to make you understand.' He turned, and we locked eyes. 'Did you come after me because of Mom?'
I gritted my teeth and nodded. The stinging of wind on my cheeks had vanished.
'Would you like to know about Vermont?' he asked. 'Like who you murdered? Why you were so blindly convinced he was me?' He smiled, but I said nothing. I was used to his baiting. 'You like it out here?' he asked.
'It's all right.'
He laughed. 'It's fucking better than all right. You ever seen a sky this big? I come out here all the time,' he said. 'You can lose yourself in that sky. But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you? You like hiding in the trees where no one can see you. You like the claustrophobic forests in the East. These wide open spaces scare the shit out…'
'Fuck off,' I said. 'You gonna mentally abuse me? Was that your plan? Guess what? I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm looking at prison, Orson. It's a lot scarier than you.'
'You aren't going to prison,' he said.
'Well unless you're planning on turning yourself in, I don't see any other…'
'I am.'
I looked up from the dark river into his blue eyes. 'Why? I'm not trying to talk you out of it. I just don't understand. It doesn't seem like something you'd ever do.'
He sighed. 'I don't know how to explain it without you hating me more. I'm proud of what I've done, Andy. It's on the news everyday, in the papers. I'm out there. The world just doesn't know me yet. I'm a nightmare, and I want the fear I bring to last. I don't wanna be caught, but because of the national attention that's inevitable. So I'm gonna act. I want people to wonder, 'What if he'd never turned himself in? How many more would he have taken?''
'So kill yourself.'
'I won't do that,' he said, a flash of anger surfacing in his eyes before descending again, back to its infinite source. 'That's what those cowards who shoot up fast-food restaurants and schools do after they've killed thirty people, because they weren't happy. Besides, you can't do interviews when you're dead. You can't have criminologists lining up to meet you. You can't watch movies about yourself, or read your own biography written by your famous brother.'
'No,' I said.
'Well, that's the price of your freedom, Andy. And I won't fucking argue with you about it. You'll spend the rest of your long life in prison or your short one on death row if I do anything but turn myself in. You see, killing me won't save you now. They already think you killed your own mother, and eventually Walter's blood'll find its way onto your hands, too.'
I turned from my brother and looked across the plain. It grew darker each second. Moments ago, the river glittered. Now it moved, a stream of liquid black, as if flowing from a cold hell. The mountain range was indistinguishable now from the clumps of purple clouds hovering above the sunless horizon. The land had lost its texture to night.
'They'll execute you,' I said. 'You won't gloat long.'
'Twelve years is the average from courtroom to death chamber. I can live with that.'
The wind had begun to die down. 'I had to come to Montana to hear this?' I asked.
'There's a town west of here. Choteau. I'm turning myself in there tomorrow, and I want you to be with me. It'd be a brotherly thing to do, and it might help you with your biography.'
It made me sick on my stomach to think of writing a book about him. 'Why Montana?'
'I'm in love with this state, Andy. I want to die at the prison in Deer Lodge.'
'You've killed in too many states, Orson. Everybody's gonna want to prosecute you. You may end up on death row in Missouri or Kansas. It could be anywhere.'
'But I can influence that decision before I turn myself in by making people think of me when they think of big sky country. I can do something so terrible here, everyone will want Montana to have the privilege of putting me to death.'
I could feel my hands beginning to tremble. 'How?' I asked, but he hopped off the wall.
Running towards the car, he shouted, 'Let's go! I want a soft bed tonight!'
The pounding inside my head was excruciating. I needed a drink. As I climbed down and followed Orson back across the bridge, I searched myself for the hate towards him that had burned inside me, but it only felt like a vacuum in my chest. I just wanted it all to be over.
# # #
We hurtled west along the straight, lonely highway. Nothing existed outside the car save the pavement in the headlights. The landscape was draped in blackness, no moon or stars, and the drone of the engine had become imperceptible. Orson hadn't spoken since we left the wildlife refuge nearly two hours ago. He'd turned away from me, now leaning his head against the window as if he slept, but I couldn't tell for sure.
'You awake?' I whispered, but he didn't answer. 'Orson, we're fifteen miles from Great Falls. Where are we stopping?'
'I'll let you know when. I'm not sleeping.'
I glanced over to the passenger seat, hesitant, but then asked, 'Who was David Parker?'
'If you just wait,' he said, 'you'll know everything. And I mean everything.'
'When?'
'This time tomorrow,' he said, becoming annoyed. 'Every question you can possibly think of will be answered. But for now, please shut the fuck up.'
I drove in silence for the next forty-five minutes, through the small town of Great Falls, with its truck stops, 24-hour gas stations, and dirty motels. I wanted to stay in town because of all the restaurants, but I didn't ask. Even though I was starving, I drove on through and watched the collection of lights grow dim again in the rearview mirror.
