life. I couldn’t deny Erich what he needed and at the same time I couldn’t embrace him. I found that more or less against my will I’d become capable only, singularly, of protection. I suppose it was sentimental, though I didn’t taste anything like sentiment in my mouth. I felt hard and clinical, glacial. For the first time I didn’t think about myself. A district in my brain, that which I’d thought of as
I was alone most days with Rebecca and Erich. Now that the boys had Marlys and Gert they were able to get home more often. But, still, the bulk of my time was spent with a two-year-old and a dying man.
I rented movies and poured juice. I began toilet training Rebecca, and occasionally changed Erich’s soiled sheets. He had passable days and worse days. On the bad ones he could be cranky with me. He could suddenly say “I
But he never lost patience with Rebecca. Sometimes, on the days he stayed in bed, the two of them watched videos together. I brought home
Sometimes when I brought them a snack I found them sitting together on Erich’s bed, watching television, with toys scattered everywhere. Sometimes I had to catch my breath at the sight of them like that, Rebecca chattering and walking one of her miniature farm animals over Erich’s skinny knee or Erich absent-mindedly stroking her hair as they both watched cartoons. No matter how he felt on a given day, he was always attentive to my daughter. His powers of concentration were formidable. He seemed to have taken on a project: never to show this little girl any unpleasant or mean-spirited behavior, never to be anything but pliant and companionable in her presence. He was different from Jonathan. He didn’t love her. He liked her well enough. Being good with her was one of the organizing principles around which he built his days. He made it his job.
At first I felt it as a vague unrest that fluttered around in my belly, halfway between nausea and pain. I believed at times that I was developing an ulcer, or worse, though the doctor told me it was just anxiety. Finally, after several months, I realized. I was coming to a decision. Or a decision was coming to me. It was growing inside me, almost against my conscious will.
It didn’t reach its finished state until an afternoon in May, as I was taking a nap with Rebecca. She’d grown balky about naps, and would lie down in the afternoons only if I took her into Bobby’s and my bed and read to her from one of her books. She was almost two and a half then. She’d developed obsessions with several books, including one about a rabbit saying good night to every article in his bedroom and another about a pig who finds a magic bone. We’d read both books twice, and drifted off to sleep together. I woke twenty minutes later to the sound of Rebecca’s voice. She lay beside me, telling herself a story. This, too, was a recent habit. She could talk to herself for hours. I lay quietly, listening.
“I go to the store,” she said. “I got a
As I lay listening to her, my chest constricted in panic. I could feel the heat rising to my face. I couldn’t tell at first why I was unnerved by what I heard. It was only Rebecca’s usual stream of consciousness, the kind of babbling I’d been hearing from her for over a month. But slowly, while lying on the bed with her, I figured it out. She was coming into herself. She was emerging from her foggy self-involvement and beginning to comprehend the independent life of other people. Soon she’d leave her disembodied child-world. She’d remember things. She was a camera getting ready to shoot.
What if she came into her full consciousness as Erich died and Jonathan started to get sick? What would it do to her if her earliest memories revolved around the decline and eventual disappearance of the people she most adored?
One morning a few weeks later I was in bed with Rebecca, Bobby, and Jonathan. It was an ordinary morning. Rebecca had woken up in a good humor, and was telling herself an elaborate story about Bunny and a flying elephant. In a moment Bobby would shuffle downstairs to start the coffee. Erich was still asleep down the hall and Jonathan sat beside me with the sheet pulled over his chest.
Bobby said, “After work I’ve got to replace some shingles. Did you see how many have blown off? That roof has about, like, had it.”
“We should just get a new one,” I said. “Let’s start calling roofers.”
“When the place is more or less in shape,” Jonathan said, “I want to have my mother out again. I figure she’d have an easier time believing in my life if she saw more of it.”
“Parents, parents,” I said. “You know, I’ve been thinking. I should really take Miss Rebecca to Washington for a few days, to see my mother.”
Bobby got up to make the coffee, a half second before I knew he was going to. “Why not, you know, invite her up here?” he said.
“Because she’s sixty-five and not the least bit liberal. Believe me, you don’t want Amelia up here, going on about our life-style. That’s what she thinks we have. Not a life. A life-style.”
“Don’t you think she’d better get used to it?” Jonathan said.
“Sweetheart, my mother hasn’t gotten used to my having
“Well, you know, if you need to,” Bobby said, and went off on his morning errand.
“Only a few days,” Jonathan said. “Right? Like two or three?”
I nodded, and stroked Rebecca’s hair. I wondered if she might feel the tension in my hand, and start crying. But she babbled on, undisturbed. Our inner deceits don’t create much residue in this world.
I only half knew what I was up to. It didn’t become a plan until I found myself doing it, and then it seemed I was following a procedure I’d known about for months or even years. I packed Rebecca’s things: her clothes and a few essential toys, her stroller and high chair. As Jonathan helped me load the car he said, “Honey, you’re only going for a few days. Not till the millennium.”
“I want to be prepared,” I said. “It’s important to avoid shopping with my mother at all costs. If I run out of diapers, she’ll take me to Saks.”
“Doesn’t sound so bad to me,” Jonathan said. He wore a denim jacket with Albert Einstein’s gentle white face pinned to the lapel. A swarm of reddish-black tulips had sprouted on the lawn. A crazy meadowlark whose nest was nearby raged at us from the lowest branches of the oak. I lifted the stroller into the trunk, and Jonathan arranged the diaper bag around it.
“Guilt,” I said. “Even my guilt over my mother’s money feels decadent sometimes. It’s better to just avoid it.