had another set, and I certainly didn’t tell her. She mentioned the pages contained coordinates of some kind. Maybe that tidbit will help Seth make faster progress. Harper’s a whiz at this brainiac stuff, I swear. I’ll call him first thing, but if Alexa has access to an organization that can track Globe Harvest on a grand scale, I figured we had nothing to lose. I hope you agree.”
She watched Payton’s jaw tighten, but couldn’t read him.
“I just feel so…powerless,” he said. “If it was a matter of money, I would spend every last dime to get her back, but damn it! We’ve got nothing, Jessie.” He turned and moved toward her, frustration etched across his face. “We’ve got nothing.”
What he said triggered her memory of Alexa. The woman’s words surged through her mind.
“You gotta know…I might have made matters worse, Payton. I meddled and put Nikki into a worse situation with Petrovin.”
Payton took another step and pulled her into his arms. “No, that’s not true, Jessie. You led us to her.”
But nothing he said would console her. She fought the tears that stung her eyes. “You may never find her, even if Alexa can rally the cavalry.”
And still he held her, despite what she’d told him. She pressed her cheek to his shoulder, unsure she deserved his understanding.
“All I wanted was to give you hope of finding her…but I think I’ve screwed this all up.”
He rocked her where she stood, murmuring reassurances in a low voice. His words didn’t register at first. Her guilt and pain masked them. But eventually what he said sank in.
“Jessie, you’re one of the bravest people I know. You’ve taken on a battle that’s not yours to fight alone. You did the right thing.” He raised her chin and brushed back her hair. “You shed light on this organization and now others are involved. People with real clout. The FBI is on the case, plus Alexa’s group. As far as I’m concerned, you’ve gone above and beyond. And I’m grateful. Nikki didn’t have much of a chance until you came along.”
She couldn’t look him in the eye, despite his compassion. Nothing would free her from the blame.
“But Petrovin has taken her to God knows where,” she said. “And all we have are the documents I took from the control room. What are the odds that Alexa will find her in the few locations listed on that damned report? My luck is for shit lately.”
“I don’t know. I’m not much of a gambler, but I’d put my money on you…any day.”
Stunned, she looked up at him, touched by his faith in her. From almost the first time they’d met, in the chaos after the explosion, she had felt a connection to him. It was as if they’d known each other in another life. He had an ease about him. And yet he was a kindred spirit, wearing his scars on the inside without excuses. This time when she gazed at him, she found more than commiseration in his eyes.
“You were right before.” She stared at his lips and felt the warmth of his skin through her damp shirt. “I didn’t come here…just to talk.”
She took the first step and kissed him, taking a chance he’d feel the same. At first the touch of his lips sent a tingle through her body, the subtle thrill of a first-time lover. But after his tenderness swelled to urgent need, she felt an uncontrollable heat raging under her skin.
With every man before, all she wanted was the physical gratification. With lights out, she took what she wanted and never gave anything more. Hot and heavy, quick and done, she knew how to get what she needed. Yet with Payton, she wanted…more.
But he stopped and pulled away from her.
“What’s the matter?” she asked. A sharp stab of fear seethed through her belly. Maybe he’d changed
“Not like this,” he panted. He touched his forehead to hers and stroked her cheek. “I want to remember… everything. Take our time.”
His expectation sent a rush of dread through her. She was no storybook princess leading a charmed life—far from it. She couldn’t understand why he thought she was so special. Panic took hold, and old hang-ups were hard to deny.
“Please…can we turn out the lights?” she asked. Nearly forgetting to breathe, she waited for his answer.
“You don’t have to hide anything from me, Jessie.” He led her to the bed, his hand in hers. But before anything else happened, he turned to ask, “Are you okay with this? I don’t want to…force you.”
“It’s not that. I want you, believe me. But every time I get to this point—” She stopped, fighting the lump in her throat, unable to look him in the eye again.
“What?” he asked. “Tell me.”
No man had ever wanted to know before, especially at a time like this. With other men, once she gave the green light, talking wasn’t necessary. All thrust and afterburners, no subtlety required. If she wondered about Payton being like them, those thoughts melted away like drizzled honey on her tongue, only the sweetness lingered.
“No one’s ever asked before,” she said. “It’s hard to explain.”
“Try me. And we’re not punching a clock here. Take your time.”
She stared at him now, wondering how much to say. Telling him everything meant taking a chance. If she let him into that part of her life, would he only see the damage and run? She took a deep breath and started, unsure where she’d end up.
“I can’t control it…this fear in the pit of my stomach. It’s an impulse that I’ve learned to live with, but it never really goes away. Right or wrong, it’s part of me now.” She searched for the words that would make him understand. “Something happened…when I was a kid. I know now that it had nothing to do with sex. It was an act of violence, but understanding that doesn’t make it any easier. And even though it all happened a long time ago, I guess a piece of the fear stayed behind. It burrowed under my skin, beneath the scars.”
She touched the jagged mark that puckered her skin near her eyebrow, an old habit. “Guess you could say X marks the spot.”
Over the years, her smart-ass humor had grown into a suit of armor, but tonight it fell flat. Now she only wanted the awkwardness to go away, but she couldn’t force a smile. Her old wounds would soon speak for themselves. He’d see her scars…or feel them on her skin in the dark. She clenched her jaw, remembering the reactions of other men. Their repulsed flinches, no matter how subtle, had stuck in her mind.
She wasn’t sure she could take that from Payton.
Without saying a word, he turned out the lights in the room. When he got near the window, he shoved open the curtains and let the city lights shine through the streaks of rain that bled down the glass. Myriad colors shone into the room, like a kaleidoscope reflecting the shimmer.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“You wanted the lights out.” In the pale glow, his deep voice resonated under her skin like a soothing quiver. “But I’ve always been a real sucker for rain. And we’ve got a front row seat.”
Payton caressed her face with his hands and kissed the scar on her eyebrow. She closed her eyes, feeling every subtle nuance of his lips on her skin. Her heart pounded heavy in her chest, adding fuel to her growing fire for him.
She expected him to pull the T-shirt over her head and help her undress, but instead Payton surprised her. He held the comforter and invited her to his bed, clothes and all.
“You won’t get any pressure from me, Jessie. Nothing has to happen tonight. We’re not punching a clock, remember?” And with a smile she always wanted to remember, he added, “We can watch the rain.”
If any other man had made this move, she would never have trusted him. But something in Payton’s eyes made her feel safe. She slipped off her shoes and cleaned out her pockets, setting her cell phone, ID, and car keys on the hotel dresser. Then she crawled into bed with him and found a spot to rest her head, in the crook of his shoulder. It took a while for her skin and hands to warm up, but as he stroked her hair, she listened to the sound of his heart and counted his breaths.
