to the rendezvous alone. Go back to Pirate Pete’s and get more help.”
She shrugged noncommittally.
He made a sound of exasperation. “If I’m out of the picture, you’re planning to continue without me, aren’t you? I’m tellin’ you, Mel, if you walk into that camp by yourself, I guarantee you and your family are all dead.”
“And I’m telling you, John, they won’t kill me right away. They want that drug formula from me. And I’ll refuse to give it to them unless they set my family free.”
“What if they start torturing your folks in front of you? Can you stand the sound of your parents’ screams for hours or days on end? How long are you gonna hold out on them when they start cutting your brother’s fingers off?”
She grimaced at the grisly images his words evoked.
“How about when they start cutting
“Enough! I get your point!” she exclaimed, horrified.
“Promise me, Melina. If something happens to me, you’ll go get help and not try to finish this thing alone.”
Her lips pressed tightly together.
He grabbed her by both shoulders. “Look. I can barely hold it together as it is. On top of everything else, don’t add the worry that you’ll kill yourself if anything happens to me. I can’t handle the idea. I care too much about you, dammit.”
Her eyes widened in surprise. For that matter, his did too.
“I came out here knowing full well I was on my way to die. Why can’t you wrap your brain around that?” she asked in frustration.
He retorted, “Because I came out here knowing full well that I was going to see you through this thing safe and in one piece. Why can’t you wrap your brain around that?”
“It’s my choice to make and not yours. My life. My family. My choice.”
He stared at her in open exasperation.
“With all due respect,” she said gently, “you’re not exactly the person to criticize me about self-destructive behavior.”
The life, the very color, drained out of his eyes until they were black and bleak. Okay, that had been a low blow to hit him with. But darn it, he had to understand how committed she was to going through with this.
His gaze fell away from hers. He spoke quietly. “I suppose I deserved that.” A pause. “We make a hell of a pair, don’t we? I’m out here wishing to die and vowing to stay alive long enough to see you through this, and you’re out here desperate to stay alive, but determined to throw yourself upon your sword anyway.”
She gazed into the mirror of his hopeless gaze and flinched at what she saw of herself reflected back at her. Is that what he saw when he looked into her eyes? It wasn’t a pretty sight.
She said quietly. “If it’s that important to you, I promise I won’t try to finish this thing alone. But John, don’t let anything happen to you. I care too much about you, too.”
He shrugged and started to turn away, but she grabbed his arm and forced him to look at her. “Why do you want to die? Nothing is worth throwing your life away for except maybe saving someone else’s life.”
His voice was low, charged. “And when you fail to save someone else’s life? Then what?”
She stared at him a long time. So that
She chose her words carefully. “You grieve their loss. You acknowledge that we all have a time to live and a time to die. And then you go on with your own life. It’s the least you owe the person who died. Nobody wants anyone else to stop living on their account.”
“Persons who died. Plural,” he bit out.
She didn’t want to know the answer, but she had to ask anyway. “How many?”
“Eight. My men. Three of them had wives and kids, for God’s sake.”
Oh, God. Pain for him was a fist in her stomach that she could barely breathe around. And he’d been carrying that around inside him all this time? Reaching deep for strength for his sake, she asked gently, “Did you force them to do their jobs?”
His hand slashed through the air, cutting her off. “I’ve been through all that logic crap with the shrinks. The fact remains that they’re dead and I’m not. And I’m the one who should be dead, not them.”
The agony in his voice was almost more than she could bear. “Promise me something, John.”
He glanced up at her, surprised.
“When you get home from this expedition, promise me you’ll talk to a counselor. A good one. That you’ll stick with it until you work this thing out.”
His entire being went still. He was looking at her, but she got the sense he was looking through her, not really seeing her. “The only thing I can promise you is that when I get back home, I’m going to finish what you interrupted the day you walked into the store.”
“And what was that?”
“I was in the middle of hanging myself.”
She reeled back, stunned. Her arms ached to wrap around him, to pull him close and comfort him like a child. But she sensed that he’d implode if she so much as laid a finger on him right now.
She finally whispered, “Oh, John. I’m so sorry.”
“You’re sorry? What the hell for?”
“I’m sorry you’re in so much pain.” And she wasn’t talking about his back. She was talking about his heart. But then, she expected he knew that. He stared off into space for a long time, lost in his own private hell. And she sat beside him and ached for him with all her heart.
Eventually, he shook himself and took a deep breath. “This has turned into the damnedest op.” After a moment he added resolutely, “C’mon. Let’s go.”
His strength of will was staggering. How he bore this burden and still managed to put one foot in front of the next, she had no idea. They walked for what felt like forever, until the air was cold enough for her to see her breath in the gathering dusk. It was about the only thing she could see. How John was picking his way through the dense forest undergrowth in this gloom, she hadn’t the faintest idea. But his broad back moved steadily in front of her, clearing a way past all obstacles and opening a path of sorts for her.
Twice she thought she felt a faint presence behind her. Both times she considered telling John about it but then decided it was just paranoia kicking in. Both times the sensation went away after a few minutes.
Given the cacophony of unidentified night noises out here, they were far from alone in these mountainous climes. Animals and insects kept up a steady chorus of chirps and squawks and buzzes around them as they marched on through the night. That was undoubtedly what she was hearing. After all, who could possibly manage to follow them through these impossible conditions?
Her watch said it was after 4:00 a.m. when they finally stopped to make camp. While John pitched the tarp, she dug out freeze-dried meals and added salt water to activate a self-heating reaction in the pouches. The combination of calories and something hot in her belly refreshed her, and when they stretched out in their usual position pressed together with her head on his shoulder, sleep eluded her.
After a few minutes, John spoke out of the darkness. “What’s on your mind that’s keeping you awake?”
“You.”
He sighed. “Do we have to get into that again?”
“No. I was just answering your question.”
Silence fell between them.
She was surprised when he actually broke the lull. “So what were you thinking about me?”
She allowed her palm to slide across his T-shirt and savored the powerful bulge of muscles beneath the soft cotton. “I was thinking about what a remarkable man you are, and how little I know about you.”
He replied dryly, “That must be why you still think I’m remarkable.”
She smiled against his neck. “You’re too modest. If you don’t mind my asking, is there anyone waiting for you back on Timbalo Island?”
He started beneath her. “Hell no! I wouldn’t fool around with you if there were anyone else!”
“I’m the one who came on to you. I wouldn’t blame you if you had a wife or a girlfriend back home. After all, I plied you with liquor and then stripped down to my thong in front of you.”
He lurched beneath her, dumping her on her back and looming over her, propped up on his elbow to stare down
