time before he discards her, if he hasn’t already.” Her throat felt raw, and her stomach churned with a multitude of emotions-mingling her own personal history with tonight’s events. “And while a part of me is infuriated that she allowed herself to get involved in such a degrading situation, another part of me completely understands how it can happen.”
He tipped his head curiously. “How so?”
“It’s a long story.” And one she wasn’t certain she wanted to share.
He smiled, the sentiment gentle and caring. “As far as I’m concerned, we have the entire night to talk if you need to.”
The compassion in his eyes unraveled her guard, as did the knowledge that he was willing to listen. After everything she’d seen tonight, and recognizing a piece of herself in Holly, the urge to talk about her emotional connection to the girl was strong. Everything was sitting so heavily on her chest, and her own humiliating past clawed with the need to be released and set free.
Except for a college mental health counselor, she’d never confessed to anyone about her relationship with her English professor. She’d been so ashamed that she’d let someone she trusted take advantage of her, she hadn’t been able to bring herself to even tell her parents the truth about why she’d fallen into a short bout of depression after her first term at Columbia University. Instead, upon returning to college for her sophomore year, she’d buried all the anguish and grief away and poured all her time and energy into graduating and then building a career as a journalist.
She’d believed that particular part of her life was all behind her, that she’d resolved those issues and moved on. But tonight’s exposure to Holly had unearthed those agonizing memories and pushed them right up to the surface, making her feel emotionally stripped bare.
She glanced at Nathan, who was waiting patiently for her to say something, and she debated on how much to reveal, if anything at all. In the past few days she’d learned enough about him to know he was an honorable man, that he’d be the last person to judge her for the bad choices she’d made in her past. Sitting next to him in the dark, she felt safe and secure, and she couldn’t remember ever feeling that way with any other man.
She trusted her instincts. And she was about to trust Nathan with her deepest, darkest secrets.
“When I left my small town in Iowa to attend Columbia University in New York, it was the most exciting time of my life. I was eighteen and felt so grown-up and mature being on my own for the first time ever.” Looking back, it was easy to see just how young and vulnerable she’d been, ignorant even. A small-town girl with stars in her eyes and big dreams in her heart.
“I was nervous, a little scared, and at times felt lonely. But I was determined to study hard, get good grades, and most especially impress my English professor, since journalism was my major and I was at CU on a full scholarship based on my writing ability and my solid grade point average in high school.”
“Very impressive,” Nathan said, sounding sincere.
“Thanks,” she said, and smiled for a moment before getting back to her story. “My freshman English professor, Mark Reeves, was a really good-looking guy and had a charming personality to go with it. He was thirty-seven, but he looked exceptionally young, and it was well known that most of the girls in his classes had a huge crush on him.”
“Including you?” Nathan guessed quietly.
She nodded. “Yeah, including me. And it was very exciting when he started paying extra attention to me. Out of all the other girls he had as students, he took me under his wing and really made me feel special as a writer, and as a woman. He lavished me with praise, gave me all A’s on my essays and tests even when I felt they weren’t my absolute best, and he flirted with me in a way that made me feel sexy and attractive. He told me that he saw something special in me and my writing ability, and I honestly believed him.”
“You trusted him.”
Nathan understood, which was why it was so easy for her to open up and talk to him. “I had no reason not to trust him up to this point. He was perfect, as far as I was concerned,” she said, and didn’t miss the cynical note in her voice now that she was older and wiser. “I was so infatuated with Mark, and when he invited me over to his apartment to help me with a big writing project, I was not only flattered, but excited to be completely alone with him. He made me dinner and we talked about my current essay and what I could do to make it stronger and better, and then he kissed me and told me how much he wanted me.”
She remembered that night all too well. The flurry of butterflies in her stomach as his lips touched hers. The surge of exhilaration that someone like Mark Reeves, an older, sophisticated man, could desire her. His sole attention, along with the seductive, romantic way he treated her, had been like an aphrodisiac, feeding a part of her that felt alone in a new city away from family and friends.
“After that night, the relationship quickly turned intimate, and for me, very emotional, especially after giving him my virginity. The sex was hot, and being with Mark was quite an eye-opener. I was more than eager to learn what pleased him the most because I honestly believed that I was in love with him.” She felt the warm rush of old humiliation sweep across her cheeks, but a glance at Nathan told her that she had no reason to be ashamed. That it wasn’t her fault Mark Reeves had taken advantage of her youth and innocence.
“A little over a month after we had sex for the first time, Mark started pressuring me to… expand our sexual repertoire. At first, I didn’t understand what he meant, but I trusted him enough to go along with what he wanted. Some things were… interesting, and other things he asked me to do made me uncomfortable.”
She dragged her fingers through her hair and exhaled a deep breath before continuing. “I didn’t mind when he asked me to dress like a stripper, or we watched porn together, and some of the toys he used were kind of fun,” she admitted. “But then those sexual stimulants weren’t enough for him, and he started introducing things that made me feel uneasy, like bondage, exhibitionism, and even some S and M.”
“Did you tell him you weren’t interested?” Nathan asked gruffly.
She nodded. “Yes, and that’s when he insisted that I just needed to relax and I’d enjoy it as much as he did. He started giving me these little white pills that calmed my anxiety, and he assured me it was perfectly safe. Whatever it was, the drug definitely lowered my inhibitions, to the point that I let him do things that I normally wouldn’t.”
Nathan’s jaw clenched with a glimpse of fury. “The guy was a real asshole, wasn’t he?”
A choppy laugh escaped her. Nathan’s question was a rhetorical one that didn’t need a verbal reply because the answer was obvious. “About two months later, he started talking about the two of us indulging in a menage a trois. He told me his greatest desire was to watch me with another man, to share me…”
She shook her head, revolted anew at the thought. “I didn’t want to do it, but he stepped up the pressure. He told me I was special, that watching me with another man, sharing me, would only heighten what we had together.”
Nathan cursed under his breath. “What happened?” he asked gently.
“Because I was afraid of losing him, I gave in and agreed.” Her stomach roiled at the memory. “This time, going into the threesome,
“So, Mark gave me just enough that I was aware of what was going on during the threesome, but I was too lethargic to do anything about it.” Her voice grew hoarse. “I thought taking something to relax me would make it easier to let two men take advantage of me, to use me sexually, but it was the worst experience of my life. I felt so helpless, so mortified and degraded-during and afterward.”
“I’m sorry,” Nathan said softly, compassionately.
She glanced at him, appreciating his comforting presence. “Me, too. About a week after the threesome, the semester ended and a fresh crop of young freshman girls started a new term in his class. It didn’t take Mark long to replace me.”
Feeling a slight chill, Nicole drew her legs up and wrapped her arms protectively around them. “He ended things with me abruptly and coldly, and as I watched him work his charm on one of the new girls, I literally got sick to my stomach because I realized that I’d essentially traded my virginity, perverse sex, and the use of my body for good grades in his class.”
She swallowed hard to push back the knot tightening in her throat. “It all felt so sleazy, and I was devastated emotionally. But while I was in the relationship, it never occurred to me how wrong it all was, not when he was
