water, she lifted herself out of the tub, stepping over him in her haste.
“Cass, what just happened?”
Cass reached for the towel and circled it around her body like a shield of armor. She heard another splash behind her, but she kept moving. She needed clothes, she needed her things, she needed her cats.
“Talk to me.”
“No,” she muttered, stepping into a pair of panties and a bra that she’d left on top of the bed.
“What did I do?” Malcolm raged.
“Nothing. You did nothing, but don’t pretend you don’t know what happened.”
She didn’t bother to glance up. His silence was enough of an answer.
“It was weird. It wasn’t you,” he whispered, his voice shaking. She imagined that was to be expected, considering he had just spoken to his dead sister. Or rather she had spoken to him.
“No. It wasn’t.”
“She was saying goodbye.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Cass snapped. “It doesn’t matter what she said-it’s what it means. I can’t do this. I can’t be with you when I know she’s there. Waiting for whenever the hell she wants to make contact. To take control and use me like some kind of puppet. I won’t allow it.”
“You would have to have known Lauren to know she wouldn’t do that. If she did what she did it was just to say goodbye. I think she’s gone, Cass. Permanently. I felt it.”
“You don’t know that.” Still on the move, Cass pulled on her jeans and shrugged herself into a sweater. Malcolm was standing in the bathroom door, naked and wet. Perfect. Except he wasn’t. Not for her.
“You’re not leaving.”
“See, that’s how well you still don’t know me. Of course I’m leaving.” She searched for and found the duffel bag she had used to bring her clothes over. Stuffing into the bag everything she had neatly laid out on the chair brought with it a certain satisfaction.
“It’s too dangerous. You want to be mad at me, for what, I’m not sure-fine, but I’m not letting you go with that nutcase still on the loose.”
“You don’t have a choice.”
“I absolutely have a choice,” he roared. Cass felt him rather than heard him come up behind her and whirl her around to face him. The bag dropped on the floor at her feet and she was once again reminded of his temper.
“What are you going to do?”
The question was clearly a taunt and a not-so-gentle reminder of what he had done to her not that long ago. She watched the anger drain immediately from his face only to be replaced with a measure of shame. For that, she felt somewhat guilty.
“Still don’t trust me?”
“It’s not that.” She sighed, suddenly weary of all of it. “Let go of my arm.” He dropped it. “I’ve got to go. I have to. I’ll call Dougie as soon as I get home. I’ll have him set up the trap. He won’t let anything bad happen to me. I know it.”
“So it’s back to him.”
“It’s not back to anything. I can’t stay. Being with you opens me up to her and I won’t have it. I should have known better, but I didn’t.”
“Lauren’s gone. I know it even if you don’t want to believe it. This isn’t about her, anyway. This is about you and whatever the hell it is you’re afraid of. Your grandfather really messed you up, didn’t he? What he did to you- that’s why you can’t believe that every man isn’t out to use you. Isn’t it?”
He didn’t understand. It wasn’t the fear of being used that drove her; it was the loss of control. Being committed to the asylum had been worse than jail because she hadn’t done anything wrong. She’d simply been herself. That feeling that her life wasn’t hers to live had never left her.
Turning herself over to some spirit would be the same. The loss of self wasn’t something she could give up again, and she was willing to sacrifice anything to protect herself against it. Including giving up the one thing she had missed the most: connection with another living soul.
Cass shook her head. “You’re right. Again. But it doesn’t change anything. Let me go. Let me go and don’t call and don’t come over. If you feel anything at all for me…”
“Feel
“Leave them here. I’ll collect them and bring them over. You want to make the dramatic exit, go.”
“No. I need them now.” There could be no strings. It was the only way. If she so much as left a sock here, it would give him the opening he needed and she couldn’t allow it because the truth was she wasn’t altogether sure how resolute she would be against any attempt he made.
“Fine.” He pulled on a pair of sweats and rounded up the cats so quickly, it almost seemed as if they sensed their mother’s urgency to leave. Despite their cozy surroundings, they knew where their loyalty belonged.
During the roundup, Cass had quietly called a cab. When he came down the stairs dressed and ready to take her home, he’d been startled by the presence of the yellow car in his driveway. In a way it was like a dagger in his back that she hadn’t allowed him at least this final courtesy of driving her home. It was a slap in the face to the gentleman he was.
Leaving him standing in the foyer, she carried everything out to the car. She pushed the carrier along the backseat, tossed her duffel on the floor, closed the car door and told the driver to go-all without once looking back.
It was better this way, she told herself, reclining into the cab’s seat. He knew that she was “messed up,” and she knew that she could never risk that kind of closeness with another person again. She’d been weak and stupid and needy and everything else she had ever detested about herself growing up. Everything she’d learned to overcome in the asylum. She had this gift, this curse, and there was no wishing it away. It required sacrifices. How foolish she’d been to forget that. Tears pooled in her eyes, but ruthlessly she forced them away.
She had made her bed. It was time to lie in it.
The apartment was exactly how she had left it. Nothing was disturbed. There had been no attempt to break in. Feeling slightly more secure, Cass stepped inside and tried to shake off what had been a crushing afternoon. Letting the cats free, she noted for the first time that what she once thought looked uncluttered, aside from the dishes in the sink and a frying pan left on the stove, now seemed…barren.
It was easier not to have things. Easier to move around, easier not to form attachments to them. But looking at the near-empty living area with nothing more than the mats, the squat table, the tiny television, the single chair, Cass came to the conclusion that a couch wouldn’t hurt.
The phone rang and the glaring noise had her jumping in her skin. She picked up the receiver cautiously, although she wasn’t sure why.
“Hello?”
“Is anything disturbed?”
Cass listened to Malcolm’s tight voice and decided she was deluding herself if she thought the break was going to be that simple. Not that it mattered. If she had to cut it with a chain saw, she would.
“Everything is fine.”
“Call Brody. Now.” With that, he hung up and the click in her ear made her perversely annoyed.
The phone rang again and was no less jarring. Cass snatched it up. “I’ll call him when I’m ready. Get off my back.”
“Cassandra?”
“Dr. Farver. Sorry, I thought you were someone else. What’s up?”
There was a decided pause at the other end of the phone, and Cass found herself getting irritated all over again. She had committed herself to staying in touch with this man, but these weekly phone calls were getting a little ridiculous. “Look, Dr. Farver, if this is about your subject again, I already told you I’m not interested. I’m not going to change my mind.”
