at that little face until I had to blink again.
I don't know how long we stood like that. At some point Midori put her hand on my shoulder and I became aware of an ache in my jaw from the way I had been clenching it. I handed Koichiro back to her and wiped my face while she got him settled again in his crib.
We went back into the living room. Midori closed the door behind us.
I looked up at the ceiling and deliberately breathed in and out, in and out, trying to steady myself. A hundred jumbled thoughts were pinballing through my brain.
'What if…' I started to say, then thought better of it.
'What?'
I looked at her. 'What if I could get out of the life? Really out of it'
She sighed. 'I don't believe you can.'
'But what if I could.'
A long moment went by. Finally she said, 'I guess we'd have to see then.'
I wanted her to say more, but I was afraid to ask.
There was a pad of paper and a pen on the coffee table next to the couch. I walked over and wrote down my cell phone number.
'Here,' I said. 'If you ever need help, with anything, call me.'
She took the piece of paper. 'Is this a phone number?'
'Yeah. Cell phone. If I don't answer, leave a voice mail. I check it all the time.'
'Wow, a number where I can actually call you,' she said, with a small smile. 'I guess that's progress.'
I smiled back. 'Told you I could change.'
'We'll see.'
I reached out and touched her shoulder.
'Thank you,' I said.
She nodded.
I was still touching her shoulder. I realized she hadn't objected.
I moved closer, and she didn't step back.
I wrapped my arms around her and squeezed. Then, after a moment, she was squeezing me, too.
We stood like that for a while, just holding each other. I kissed her forehead, then her cheek. Then her forehead again. She smelled good, she smelled the way I remembered.
She whispered, 'Jun, don't.'
She was the only one who called me by the diminutive of Junichi, my Japanese given name. It felt good to hear her say it.
I kissed her eyelids. Again she said, 'Don't.'
I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. I kissed her softly on the lips. She didn't kiss me back, but she didn't move away, either. I could hear her breathing.
She put a hand on my chest. I thought she was going to push me away, but she left it there. It felt warm through my shirt.
I kissed her again. This time she made a sound that was somewhere between a whimper and a reproach and suddenly seized the sides of my head with both hands. Then she was kissing me back, kissing me hard.
I put my hands on her and she pressed against me. But when I started to lift her shirt out of her jeans, she twisted away.
'Jun, stop. We have to stop.'
I nodded, breathing hard. 'Yeah,' I said.
'You need to go. Please.'
I blinked and shook my head. 'Will you call me?' I asked.
'Will you get out of the life?'
'I'll try.'
'Then you call me. When you're out.'
I couldn't ask for more than that. I walked to the door and pulled on my shoes, the fleeces, and the jacket. I nodded to her. She nodded back. Neither of us spoke.
I got the baseball cap on in the elevator and moved through the lobby with my head down. I stepped outside and checked the hot spots. All clear. I headed east. The chill air hit my face but I was barely aware of it. I felt exhausted, empty. I should have known I wasn't in the right condition to protect myself. I should have known what was going to happen next.
Midori stood and watched the door for a long time after Rain left. He was gone as suddenly as he had appeared, but his presence lingered everywhere and changed everything, from the feel of her lips and tongue to the contours of the apartment to her thoughts of the future.
How many times had she told herself she hated him, for what he did to her father, for the lies he told her
