“You’re not serious.”
“Damn serious,” Elsie said.
“You graduated from guard school while you were in a nursing home?”
“Yup. I broke my hip skiing in Vermont, and they had to put one of them steel contraptions in, so I took this correspondence course to keep from going nuts in rehab.”
She lifted her right leg. “See? It’s almost as good as new. Except of course I have to be careful about going out in an electrical storm with all these metal parts.”
Steve searched for words but couldn’t find any.
“That’s a joke,” Elsie said. She shook her head at Daisy. “He’s a looker, but he’s not too bright.”
“Excuse us,” Steve said to Elsie, pulling Daisy by the arm. “I’d like to talk to Miss Adams in private a moment.”
He walked Daisy five cars down and backed her against a van. “What’s going on? What’s with the squirrelly old lady?”
“She’s not squirrelly. She’s perfectly capable. And she really did graduate from the Rough and Ready Security Guard School. I saw her certificate. We had a nice ceremony for her at the rehabilitation center.”
Steve pulled Daisy back to Elsie Hawkins. “I’m sorry, Miss Hawkins, but I don’t think this is going to work. Miss Adams’s life is in danger, and I need a real guard.”
“Stop the presses,” Daisy said. “Elsie
“I’m the one paying the bill. And I’m the one losing sleep over it,” Steve said.
Elsie made a disgusted sound with her tongue. “Well, make up your minds if you want me. This isn’t the only security-guard job in town, you know. And I got better things to do than to stand here and watch you two argue. I gotta be home by six to see a TV show about blood pressure.”
Steve smacked his forehead with the heel of his hand. “I don’t believe this. This is insane.” He looked at Daisy. “What is this woman going to do if someone threatens you?”
Elsie pulled a.45 magnum long-barrel out of her pocketbook and leveled it at Steve’s zipper. “I’d shoot him in the privates. Some people aim for the heart, some people like to gut-shoot a man, but I always aim for the privates. Word gets around when you shoot off a man’s privates. People get to be real careful of you. Yessir, I could blow a hole in you the size of a potato with this baby.”
“Holy cow!” Steve pushed Daisy behind a car. “Where’d you get that bazooka? And what are you doing carrying it around in your pocketbook?”
Elsie put the gun back in her purse and closed it with a firm snap. “Got it at a yard sale in the District,” Elsie said. “A woman’s got to protect herself. I’m an old lady, you know. It isn’t like I could give some pervert a karate chop.”
“It isn’t loaded, is it?”
“Of course it’s loaded, but you don’t have to worry. I know what I’m doing. You sure are a jumpy one,” she said to Steve.
“You have a license to carry a concealed weapon?”
“People keep asking me that. One of these days I’m going to have to look into it,” Elsie said.
Steve loosened his tie and popped the top button on his shirt. “I need a drink. Something cold that’s going to make me numb.”
“Drinking rots your liver,” Elsie told him. “And an ounce of alcohol kills a thousand brain cells.”
Steve thought it was pretty clear Elsie didn’t think he could afford to lose that many brain cells.
“I gotta roll,” Elsie said. “I’ll be back tomorrow.” She climbed into a blue-and-white vintage Cadillac and rumbled away with a V-8 engine and dual exhaust system that sounded like distant thunder.
“I’ll follow you home,” Steve said to Daisy. “How about discussing this over dinner.”
“Sounds great, but I have to work at the nursing home tonight.” She looked at her watch. “I better get going, or I’ll be late.”
“How about after work?A late dinner?”
She chewed on her lower lip. It was tempting, but she was behind on her dissertation schedule. “Can’t. I have a ton of reading to do for school.”
His life wasn’t going well, Steve decided. Everything used to be so smooth. Women never said no, old ladies used to think he was bright, people he employed followed instructions. At least he had a dog. The thought lifted his spirits. He’d go home, take Bob out for a burger, and then they’d go run a couple fast miles together. Afterward they could watch television and maybe put a frozen pie in the oven for dessert. Pretty damn domestic, he thought to himself. He’d turned into a regular family man. An SUV, a dog, and a frozen pie.
Life didn’t get much better than that. Not tonight anyway.
When Steve got home there were seven notes tacked to his condo door about Bob’s howling and an eviction notice from the superintendent stating he’d violated the no-pet rule of the condo building. When Steve opened the door, Bob rushed out to the elevator. Steve pushed the emergency express button, but they only made it to the second floor before Bob humiliated himself. They continued on down to the basement parking garage, where they quickly exited the elevator. Steve pushed the elevator button for the penthouse, then he and Bob went out in search of a Realtor.
“Don’t worry about it,” Steve said to Bob. “It wasn’t your fault. You did the best you could. I guess a dog doesn’t belong in a condo.” Bob looked depressed, so Steve patted his head. “We’re going to buy you a nice house. One with a big fenced-in yard.” A house that was closer to Daisy, Steve thought. A house that had enough room for a few dozen kids-just in case.
“Do you like kids?” he asked Bob.
Bob woofed and wagged his tail.
Two hours later Steve and Bob had a house to live in. The owners had already moved out, so Steve and Bob could rent the house until closing. It was amazing what you could do when you were willing to pay top dollar and didn’t need financing, Steve thought grimly. His bank account was dwindling. He hadn’t realized a dog could be such an expense.
When they returned to the apartment building they took the stairs. Steve put the pie in the oven and started packing essentials. Tomorrow he’d call a mover and pay whatever was necessary to get an immediate move. By tomorrow night he’d have his own tomato bush, a cozy fireplace, a gas grill in his backyard. Until recently he’d thought he hated all those things. He told himself he was buying them for Bob, but oddly enough, deep down inside, he was looking forward to watching his tomato bush grow.
Steve and Bob met Daisy in the garage the following morning. Daisy was wearing a khaki jacket, orange T- shirt, and khaki shorts that looked like a skirt except they had cuffs. She had a styrofoam cup of coffee in her hand and dark circles under her eyes.
“What’s Bob doing here?” she asked.
“He wanted to see where I work.”
Daisy nodded sleepily, as if it were perfectly normal for a dog to go to work.
“Have a tough night?” Steve asked.
“I got home late from the nursing home, then I had all this reading to do.” She yawned and sighed. “Kevin tried to do the papers for me, but he delivered some of them to the wrong people, so I had to go out and fix things.”
“I thought you were going to give up the paper route?”
“I told them I’d finish out the week.”
Tomorrow he’d help her with the paper route, he decided. His new house was only half a mile away from her town house. He’d get up early and walk around with her, then they could have breakfast together in his cozy breakfast nook that overlooked his tomato bush.
Elsie pulled up in the Caddie. She slammed the door and locked it and marched over to them. She was wearing a purple-flowered dress with a little lace collar, and she was carrying the big black handbag. “Morning.” She looked
