The doctor shrugged.
“Anyway, he’s not mean. He can be very critical, caustic, sarcastic. He’s cynical. Fourteen years old and he’s already cynical! He hasn’t experienced enough to be cynical, has he? He hasn’t earned it. Maybe it’s just a pose. It’s how kids are today. Arch, ironic.”
“Those sound like unpleasant qualities.”
“Do they? I don’t mean them to. Jacob’s just complicated, I think. He’s moody. You know, he likes to be the angry boy, the ‘nobody fucking understands me’ boy.”
This was too much.
I snapped, “Laurie, come on, that’s every teenager, the angry boy, the ‘nobody fucking understands me’ boy. Come on! What you’ve just described is every adolescent on earth. It’s not a kid; it’s a bar code.”
“Maybe.” Laurie bowed her head. “I don’t know. I always thought maybe Jacob should see a shrink.”
“You’ve never said he should see a shrink!”
“I didn’t say I said it. I said I wondered if it was the right thing to do, just so he would have someone to talk to.”
Dr. Vogel growled, “Andy.”
“Well, I can’t just sit here!”
“Try. We’re here to listen to each other, to support each other, not argue.”
“Look,” I said, exasperated, “enough is enough. The whole presumption of this conversation is that Jacob has something to answer for, to explain. It’s just not true. A horrible thing happened, all right? Horrible. But it’s not our fault. It’s certainly not Jake’s fault. You know, I’m sitting here and I’m listening, and I’m thinking, What the hell are we talking about? Jacob had nothing to do with Ben Rifkin getting killed, nothing, but we’re all sitting here talking about Jake as if he’s some kind of freak or monster or something. He’s not. He’s just an ordinary kid. He has his flaws like every other kid, but he had nothing to do with this. I’m sorry, but somebody has to stand up for Jacob here.”
Dr. Vogel: “Andy, looking back, what do you think about all those kids who got hurt around Jacob? All the kids falling off playground structures and crashing bicycles? Was it all just bad luck? Coincidence? How do you think about it?”
“Jacob had a lot of energy; he played too rough. I acknowledge that. It’s something we dealt with when he was a kid. But that’s all it was. I mean, this all happened before Jake got to kindergarten. Kindergarten!”
“And the anger? You don’t think Jacob has an issue with anger?”
“No, I don’t. People get angry. It’s not an issue.”
“There’s a report here from Jacob’s file that he punched a hole in the wall in his bedroom. You had to call a plasterer. This was just last fall. Is that true?”
“Yes, but-how did you get that?”
“Jonathan.”
“That was for Jacob’s legal defense only!”
“That’s what we’re doing here, preparing his defense. Is it true? Did he punch a hole in the wall?”
“Yes. So what?”
“People don’t generally punch holes in walls, do they?”
“Sometimes they do, actually.”
“Do you?”
Deep breath. “No.”
“Laurie thinks you may have a blind spot about the possibility of Jacob being… violent. What do you think of that?”
“She thinks I’m in denial.”
“Are you?”
I shook my head in a stubborn, melancholy way, like a horse swaying its head in a narrow stall. “No. Just the opposite. I’m hyperalert to these things; I’m hyperaware. I mean, you know my background. My whole life-” Deep breath. “Lookit, you’re always concerned when kids get hurt; even if it’s an accident, you never want to see something like that. And you’re always concerned when your own kid behaves in ways that are… disturbing. So yes, I was aware of these things, I was concerned. But I knew Jacob, I knew my kid, and I loved him and I believed in him. And I still do. I’m sticking with him.”
“We’re all sticking with him, Andy. That’s completely unfair! I love him too. It’s got nothing to do with that.”
“I never said you didn’t, Laurie. Did you hear me say you didn’t love him?”
“No, but you always retreat to that: I love him. Of course you love him. We both love him. I’m just saying, you can love your child and still see his flaws. You have to see his flaws, otherwise how can you help him?”
“Laurie, did you or did you not hear me say you didn’t love him?”
“Andy, that’s not what I’m saying! You’re not listening!”
“I am listening! I just don’t agree with you. You’re drawing this picture of Jacob as violent and moody and, and dangerous, based on nothing, and I just disagree. But if I disagree, you say I’m being dishonest. Or ‘unreliable.’ You’re calling me a liar.”
“I did not call you a liar! I’ve never called you a liar.”
“You didn’t use the word, no.”
“Andy, no one’s attacking you. There’s nothing wrong with admitting your son might need a little help. It doesn’t say anything about you.”
The comment bayoneted me. Because of course Laurie was talking about me. This whole thing was completely about me. I was the reason, the only reason, she thought our son might be dangerous. If he were not a Barber, no one would ever have parsed his childhood so closely for signs of trouble.
But I remained silent. What was the use? There was no defense to being a Barber.
Dr. Vogel said cautiously, “Okay, maybe we should just stop here. I’m not sure it would be productive to go on much longer. This isn’t easy for anyone, I realize. We’ve made some progress. We can try again next week.”
I looked down at my lap, avoiding Laurie’s eyes, ashamed, though for what I was not exactly sure.
“Let me just ask you both one last question. Maybe we can leave on a happier note, okay? So let’s assume for a moment that this case will go away. Assume that in a few months the case will be dismissed and Jacob will be free to go and do whatever he pleases. Just as if this case had never happened. No qualifications, no lingering shadows, nothing at all. Now, if that were to happen, where would you see your son in ten years? Laurie?”
“Wow. I can’t think that way. I’m just getting through from one day to the next, you know? Ten years is just… too hard to imagine.”
“Okay, I understand. But just as a thought exercise, try. Where do you see your son in ten years?”
Laurie considered. She shook her head. “I can’t. I don’t even like to think about it. I just can’t envision anything good. I think about Jacob’s situation constantly, Doctor, constantly, and I can’t see how this story could end happily. Poor Jacob. I just hope, you know? That’s all I can do. But if I think about when he’s older and we’re not around? I don’t know, I just hope he’s okay.”
“That’s all?”
“That’s all.”
“All right, how about you, Andy? If this case disappeared, where would you see Jacob in ten years?”
“If he walks on this case?”
“That’s right.”
“I see him happy.”
“Happy, okay.”
“Maybe with someone, a wife who makes him happy. Maybe a father. With a son.”
Laurie shifted.
“But through with all this teenage crap. All the self-pity, the narcissism. If Jacob has a weakness, it’s that he doesn’t have the kind of discipline it takes. He’s… self-indulgent. He doesn’t have the… I don’t know… the steel.”
Dr. Vogel: “The steel to do what?”
Laurie looked at me across her shoulder, curious.
