The Slippery Slope

the first time an enormous net on the ground, spread out over almost the entire peak and just stopping at their fork-assisted climbing shoes. 'On my signal, these eagles will lift this net from the ground and carry it into the sky, capturing a group of young people who think they're here to celebrate False Spring.'

'The Snow Scouts,' Violet said in astonishment.

'We'll capture every one of those uniformed brats,' the villainous man bragged, 'and each one of them will be offered the exciting opportunity to join us.'

'They'll never join you,' Klaus said.

'Of course they will,' said the sinister woman, in her deep, deep voice. 'They'll either be recruited, or they'll be our prisoners. But one thing is for certain — we'll burn down every single one of their parents' homes.'

The two Baudelaires shuddered, and even Count Olaf looked a bit uneasy. 'Of course,' he said quickly, 'the main reason we're doing all this is to get our hands on all those fortunes.'

'Of course,' Esmй said with a nervous snicker. 'We'll have the Spats fortune, the Kornbluth fortune, the Winnipeg fortune, and many others. I'll be able to afford the penthouse apartment of every single building that isn't on fire!'

'Once you tell us where the sugar bowl is,' said the man with a beard but no hair, 'you can leave, volunteers, and take your baby friend with you. But wouldn't you rather join us?'

'No, thank you,' Quigley said. 'We're not interested.'

'It doesn't matter if you're interested or not,' said the woman with hair but no beard. 'Look around you. You're hopelessly outnumbered. Wherever we go, we find new comrades who are eager to assist us in our work.'

'We have comrades, too,' Violet said bravely. 'As soon as we rescue Sunny, we're going to meet up with the other volunteers at the last safe place, and tell them about your terrible scheme!'

'It's too late for that, volunteers,' said Count Olaf in triumph. 'Here come my new recruits!'

With a horrible laugh, the villain pointed in the direction of the rocky path, and the elder Baudelaires could see, past the covered casserole dish still held by the white-faced women, the arrival of the uniformed Snow Scouts, walking in two neat lines, more like eggs in a carton than young people on a hike. Apparently, the scouts had realized that the snow gnats were absent from this part of the Mortmain Mountains and had removed their masks, so Violet and Klaus could instantly spot Carmelita Spats, standing at the front of one of the lines with a tiara on her head — 'tiara' is a word which here means 'small crown given to a nasty little girl for no good reason'

— and a large smirk on her face. Beside her, at the head of the other line, stood Bruce, holding the Springpole in one hand and a big cigar in the other. There was something about his face that Violet and Klaus found familiar, but they were too concerned about the villainous recruitment plan to give it much thought.

'What are all you cakesniffers doing here?' demanded Carmelita, in an obnoxious voice the two siblings found equally familiar. 'I'm the False Spring Queen, and I order you to go away!'

'Now, now, Carmelita,' Bruce said. 'I'm sure these people are here to help celebrate your special day. Let's try to be accommodating. In fact we should try to be accommodating, basic, calm, darling — '

The scouts had begun to say the ridiculous pledge along with Bruce, but the two Baudelaires knew they could not wait for the entire alphabetical list to be recited. 'Bruce,' Violet interrupted quickly, 'these people are not here to help you celebrate False Spring. They're here to kidnap all of the Snow Scouts.'

'What?' Bruce asked with a smile, as if the eldest Baudelaire might have been joking.

'It's a trap,' Klaus said. 'Please, turn around and lead the scouts away from here.'

'Pay no attention to these three masked idiots,' Count Olaf said quickly. 'The mountain air has gone to their heads. Just take a few steps closer and we'll all join in a special celebration.'

'We're happy to accommodate,' Bruce said. 'After all, we're accommodating, basic — '

'No!' Violet cried. 'Don't you see the net on the ground? Don't you see the eagles in the sky?'

'The net is decoration,' Esmй said, with a smile as false as the Spring, 'and the eagles are wildlife.'

'Please listen to us!' Klaus said. 'You're in terrible danger!'

Carmelita glared at the two Baudelaires, and adjusted her tiara. 'Why should I listen to cakesniffing strangers like you?' she asked. 'You're so stupid that you've still got your masks on, even though there aren't any snow gnats around here.'

Violet and Klaus looked at one another through their masks. Carmelita's response had been quite rude, but the two siblings had to admit she had a point. The Baudelaires were unlikely to convince anyone that they were telling the truth while their faces were unnecessarily covered. They did not want to sacrifice their disguises and reveal their true identities to Count Olaf and his troupe, but they couldn't risk the kidnapping of all the Snow Scouts, even to save their sister. The two Baudelaires nodded at one another, and then turned to see that Quigley was nodding, too, and the three children reached up and took off their masks for the greater good.

Count Olaf's mouth dropped open in surprise. 'You're dead!' he said to the eldest Baudelaire, saying something that he knew full well was ridiculous. 'You perished in the caravan, along with Klaus!'

Esmй stared at Klaus, looking just as astonished as her boyfriend. 'You're dead, too!' she cried. 'You fell off a mountain!'

'And you're one of those twins!' Olaf said to Quigley. 'You died a long time ago!'

'I'm not a twin,' Quigley said, 'and I'm not dead.'

'And,' Count Olaf said with a sneer, 'you're not a volunteer. None of you are members of V.F.D. You're just a bunch of orphan brats.'

'In that case,' said the woman with hair but no beard, in her deep, deep voice, 'there's no reason to worry about that stupid baby any longer.'

'That's true,' Olaf said, and turned to the white-faced women. 'Throw the baby off the mountain!' he ordered.

Violet and Klaus cried out in horror, but the two white-faced women merely looked at the covered casserole dish they were holding, and then at one another. Then, slowly, they looked at Count Olaf, but neither of them moved an inch.

'Didn't you hear me?' Olaf asked. 'Throw that baby off this mountain!'

'No,' said one of the white-faced women, and the two Baudelaires turned to them in relief.

'No?' asked Esmй Squalor in an astonished voice. 'What do you mean, no?'

'We mean no,' said the white-faced woman, and her companion nodded. Together they put the covered casserole dish down on the ground in front of them. Violet and Klaus were surprised to see that the dish did not move, and assumed that their sister must have been too scared to come out.

'We don't want to participate in your schemes anymore,' said the other white-faced woman, and sighed. 'For a while, it was fun to fight fire with fire, but we've seen enough flames and smoke to last our whole lives.'

'We don't think that it was a coincidence that our home burned to the ground,' said the first woman. 'We lost a sibling in that fire, Olaf.'

Count Olaf pointed at the two women with a long, bony finger. 'Obey my orders this instant!' he screamed, but his two former accomplices merely shook their heads, turned away from the villain, and began to walk away. Everyone on the square peak watched in silence as the two white- faced women walked past Count Olaf, past Esmй Squalor, past the two sinister villains with eagles on their shoulders, past the two Baudelaires and Quigley Quagmire, past the hook-handed man and the former employees of the carnival, and finally past Bruce and Carmelita Spats and the rest of the Snow Scouts, until they reached the rocky path and began to walk away from Mount Fraught altogether.

Count Olaf opened his mouth and let out a terrible roar, and jumped up and down on the net. 'You can't walk away from me, you pasty-faced women!' he cried. 'I'll find you and destroy you myself! In fact, I can do anything myself! I'm an individual practitioner, and I don't need anybody's help to throw this baby off the mountain!' With a nasty chuckle, he picked up the covered casserole dish, staggering slightly, and walked to the edge of the half- frozen waterfall.

'No!' Violet cried.

'Sunny!' Klaus screamed.

'Say good-bye to your baby sister, Baudelaires!' Count Olaf said, with a triumphant smile that showed all of his filthy teeth.