The Grim Grotto

Violet and Klaus were reminded of Prufrock Preparatory School, where they had first met Carmelita. The vice principal of the school, a tedious man named Nero, forced his students to listen to him play the violin for hours, and they realized this administrator must have had a powerful influence on Carmelita's creativity.

'C is for 'cute,' ' Carmelita sang, 'A is for 'adorable'! R is for 'ravishing'! M is for 'gorgeous'! E is for 'excellent'! L is for 'lovable'! I is for 'I'm the best'! T is for 'talented'! and A is for 'a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian'! Now let's begin my whole wonderful song all over again!' The song was so irritating, and sting so poorly, that Violet and Klaus almost felt as if they were being tortured after all, particularly as Carmelita kept on singing it, over and over and over.

'I can't stand her voice,' Violet said. 'It reminds me of the cawing of the V.F.D. crows.'

'I can't stand the lyrics,' Klaus said. 'Someone needs to tell her that 'gorgeous' does not begin with the letter M.'

'I can't stand the brat,' the hook-handed man said bitterly. 'She's one of the reasons I'd like to leave. But this sounds like as good a time as any to try to sneak through this room. There are plenty of pillars to hide behind, and if we walk around the very edge, where each oar sticks through the wall into the tentacles of the octopus, we should be able to get to the other door – assuming everybody is watching Carmelita 's tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian dance recital.'

'That seems like a very risky plan,' Violet said.

'This is no time to be a coward,' the hook-handed man growled. 'My sister is not a coward,' Klaus said. 'She's just being cautious.'

'There's no time to be cautious!' Fiona said. 'Aye! She who hesitates is lost! Aye! Or he! Let's go!'

Without another word, the hook-handed man poked the eye on the wall, and the door slid open to reveal the enormous room. As Olaf's comrade had predicted, the rowing children were all facing Carmelita, who was prancing and singing on one side of the room while Esmй watched with a proud smile on her face and a large noodle in one of her tentacles. With the hook-handed man and Fiona in the lead, the three Baudelaires – Sunny still in the diving helmet, of course – made their careful way around the outside of the room as Carmelita twirled around singing her absurd song.

When Carmelita announced what C was for, the children ducked behind one of the pillars. When she told her listeners the meaning of A and R, the children crept past the moving oars, taking care not to trip. When she insisted that 'gorgeous ' began with M, Count Olaf's henchman pointed one of his hooks at a far door, and when Carmelita reached E and L, the children ducked behind another pillar, hoping the dim light of the lanterns would not give them away. When Carmelita announced that she was the best, and bragged about being talented, Esmй Squalor frowned and turned around, blinking underneath the fake eyes of her octopus outfit, and the children had to flatten themselves on the floor so the villainous girlfriend would not spot them, and when the tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian found it necessary to remind her audience that she was, in fact, a tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian, the two elder Baudelaires found themselves ahead of Fiona and the hook-handed man, hiding behind a pillar that was just a few feet from their destination.

They were just about to inch their way toward the door when Carmelita began belting out the last line of her song – 'belting out' is a phrase which here means 'singing in a particularly loud and particularly irritating voice' – only to stop herself just as she was about to begin her whole wonderful song all over again.

'C is for – cakesniffers!' she shouted. 'What are you doing here?' Violet and Klaus froze, and then saw with relief that the terrible little girl was pointing scornfully at Fiona and the hook-handed man, who were standing awkwardly between two oars.

'How dare you, Hooky?' Esmй said, fingering her large noodle as if she wanted to strike him with it. 'You're interrupting a very in recital by an unspeakably darling little girl!'

'I'm very sorry, your Esmйness,' the hook-handed man said, stepping forward to elaborately bow in front of the wicked girlfriend. 'I would sooner lose both hands all over again than interrupt Carmelita when she's dancing.'

'But you did interrupt me, you handicapped cakesniffer!' Carmelita pouted. 'Now I have to start the entire recital all over again!'

'No!' cried one of the rowing children. 'Anything but that! It's torture!'

'Speaking of torture,' the hook-handed man said quickly, 'I stopped by to see if I could borrow your tagliatelle grande. It'll help me get the Baudelaires to reveal the location of the sugar bowl.'

Esmй frowned, and fingered the noodle with one tentacle. 'I don't really like to lend things,' she said. 'It usually leads to people messing up my stuff.'

'Please, ma'am,' Fiona said. 'We're so close to learning the location of the sugar bowl. Aye! We just need to borrow your noodle, so we can return to the brig.'

'Why are you helping Hooky?' Esmй said. 'I thought you were another goody-goody orphan.'

'Certainly not,' the hook-handed man said. 'This is my sister, Fiona, and she's joining the crew of the Carmelita.'

'Fiona isn't a very in name,' Esmй said. 'I think I'll call her Triangle Eyes. Are you really willing to join us, Triangle Eyes?'

'Aye!' Fiona said. 'Those Baudelaires are nothing but trouble.'

'Why are you still talking?' demanded Carmelita. 'This is supposed to be my special tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian dance recital time!'

'Sorry, darling,' Esmй said. 'Hooky and Triangle Eyes, take this noodle and scram!'

The hook-handed man and his sister walked to the center of the room and stood directly in front of Esmй and Carmelita, offering a perfect opportunity for the elder Baudelaires to scram, a rude word which here means 'slip out of the room unnoticed and walk down the shadowy hallway Olaf had led them down just a little while earlier.'

'Do you think Fiona will join us?' Violet asked.

'I don't think so,' Klaus said. 'They told Esmй they'd return to the brig, so they'll have to go back the way we came.'

'You don't think she's really joining Olaf's troupe, do you?' Violet said.

'Of course not,' Klaus said. 'That was just to give us an opportunity to get out of the room. Fiona may be volatile, but she's not that volatile.'

'Of course not,' Violet said, though she didn't sound very sure.

'Of course not,' Klaus repeated, as another ragged cough came from inside the diving helmet. 'Hang on, Sunny,' he called to his sister. 'You'll be cured in no time!' Although he tried to sound as confident as he could, the middle Baudelaire had no way of knowing if his words were true – although, I'm happy to say, they were.

'How are you going to cure Sunny,' Violet said, 'without Fiona?'

'We'll have to research it ourselves,' Klaus said firmly.

'We'll never read her entire mycological library in time to make an antidote,' Violet said.

'We don't have to read the entire library,' Klaus said, as they reached the door to the Queequeg's brig. 'I know just where to look.'

Sunny coughed again, and then began to wheeze, a word which here means 'make a hoarse, whistling sound indicating that her throat was almost completely closed up.' The elder Baudelaires could hardly stop themselves from opening the helmet: to comfort their sister, but they didn't want to risk getting poisoned themselves.

'I hope you're right,' Violet said, pressing a metal eye on the wall. The door slid open and the children hurried toward the broken porthole of the submarine.

'Sunny's hour must almost be up.' Klaus nodded grimly, and jumped through the porthole onto the large wooden table.

Although it had only been a short while since the children had left the Queequeg, the Main Hall felt as if it had been abandoned for years. The three balloons tied to the table legs were beginning to sag, the tidal charts Klaus had studied had fallen to the floor, and the glass circle Count Olaf had cut in the porthole still lay on the floor. But the middle Baudelaire ignored all of these objects, and picked up Mushroom Minutiae from the floor.

'This book should have information on the antidote,' he said, and turned immediately to the table of contents as Violet carried Sunny through the porthole into the submarine. 'Chapter Thirty-Six, The Yeast of Beasts. Chapter Thirty-Seven, Morel Behavior in a Free Society. Chapter Thirty-Eight, Fungible Mold, Moldable Fungi. Chapter Thirty-Nine, Visitable Fungal Ditches. Chapter Forty, The Gorgonian Grotto.'