The Hostile Hospital

phrases that are far too nasty to be placed in a book. But the name she preferred was the one that came snarling out of her lipsticked mouth.

'I am Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor,' said Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor, as if the Baudelaires would ever forget her, no matter how hard they tried. She stopped walking and stood in front of the Baudelaires, who saw immediately why her footsteps had been so odd and tottering. For as long as the children had known her, Esmé Squalor had been a slave to fashion, a phrase which here means 'dressed in incredibly expensive, and often incredibly absurd, outfits.' This evening she was wearing a long coat made from the fur of a number of animals that had been killed in particularly unpleasant ways, and she was carrying a handbag shaped like an eye, just like the tattoo her boyfriend had on his left ankle. She wore a hat with a small veil that hung in front of her face, as if she had blown her nose with a black lacy handkerchief, and then forgotten to remove it, and on her feet she had a pair of shoes with stiletto heels. A stiletto is a small, slender knife resembling a dagger, such as might be carried by a carnival performer or a murderer, and the word 'stiletto' has been used to describe a woman's shoe with a very long and narrow heel. In this case, however, the phrase 'shoes with stiletto heels' actually refers to a pair of shoes made with a small, slender knife where each heel should be. The stilettos were pointing straight down, so that Esmé viciously stabbed the floor of the Library of Records with each step, and occasionally the stilettos stuck, so the wicked woman had to pause and yank them out of the floor, which explained why her footsteps were so odd and tottering. These shoes happened to be the absolute latest fashion, but the Baudelaires had more important things to do than leaf through magazines describing what was in and what was out, so they could only stare at Esmé's shoes and wonder why she was wearing footwear that was so violent and impractical.

'This is a pleasant surprise,' Esmé said. 'Olaf asked me to break in here and destroy the Baudelaire file, but now we can destroy the Baudelaires as well.'

The children looked at each other in shock. 'You and Olaf know about the file?' Violet asked.

Esmé laughed in a particularly nasty way, and, from behind her veil, smiled a particularly nasty smile. 'Of course we know about it,' she snarled. 'That's why I'm here--to destroy all thirteen pages.' She took one odd, tottering step toward the Baudelaires. 'That's why we destroyed Jacques Snicket.' She took another stabbing step down the aisle. 'And that's why we're going to destroy you.' She looked down at her shoe and shook her foot wildly to get the blade out of the library floor. 'Heimlich Hospital is about to have three new patients,' she said, 'but I'm afraid it'll be too late for any doctor to save their lives.'

Klaus stood up, and followed his sisters as they began to step away from the slave to fashion who was moving slowly toward them. 'Who survived the fire?' he asked Esmé, holding up the page from the file. 'Is one of our parents alive?'

Esmé frowned, and teetered on her stiletto heels as she tried to snatch the page away. 'Did you read the file?'' she demanded in a terrible voice. ' What does the file say?'

'You'll never find out!' Violet cried, and turned to her siblings. 'Run!'

The Baudelaires ran, straight down the aisle past the rest of the B files, rounding the corner past the cabinet that read 'Byron to Byzantine' and around to the section of the library where all of the C files were stored.

'We're running the wrong way,' Klaus said.

'Egress,' Sunny agreed, which meant something along the lines of, 'Klaus is right--the exit is the other way.'

'So is Esmé,' Violet replied. 'Somehow, we'll have to go around her.'

'I'm coming for you!' Esmé cried, her voice coming over the top of the file cabinets. 'You'll never escape, orphans!'

The Baudelaires paused at the cabinet reading 'Conch to Condy's Fluid,' which are a fancy seashell and a complex chemical compound, and listened as Esmé's heels clattered in pursuit.

'We're lucky she's wearing those ridiculous shoes,' Klaus said. 'We can run much faster than she can.'

'As long as she doesn't think of taking them off,' Violet said. 'She's almost as clever as she is greedy.'

'Shh!' Sunny said, and the Baudelaires listened as Esmé's footsteps abruptly stopped. The children huddled together as they heard Olaf's girlfriend mutter to herself for a moment, and then the three youngsters began to hear a terrifying sequence of sounds. There was a long, screechy creak, and then a booming crash, and then another long, screechy creak, and another booming crash, and the pair of sounds continued, getting louder and louder. The youngsters looked at one another in puzzlement, and then, just in the nick of time, the oldest Baudelaire figured out what the sound was.

'She's knocking over the file cabinets!' Violet cried, pointing over the top of Confetti to Consecration. 'They're toppling over like dominos!'

Klaus and Sunny looked where their sister was pointing and saw that she was right. Esmé had pushed over one file cabinet, which had pushed over another, which had pushed over another, and now the heavy metal cabinets were crashing toward the children like a wave crashing on the shore. Violet grabbed her siblings and pulled them out of the path of a falling file cabinet. With a creak and a crash, the cabinet fell to the floor, right where they had been standing. The three children breathed a sigh of relief, having just narrowly avoided being crushed beneath files on congruent triangles, coniferous trees, conjugated verbs, and two hundred other topics.

'I'm going to flatten you!' Esmé called, starting on another line of cabinets. 'Olaf and I are going to have a romantic breakfast of Baudelaire pancakes!'

'Run!' Sunny cried, but her siblings needed no urging. The three children hurried down the rest of the C aisle, as the cabinets creaked and crashed all around them.

'Where can we go?' Violet cried.

'To the D aisle!' Klaus answered, but changed his mind as he saw another row of cabinets begin to topple. 'No! The E aisle!'

'B?' Violet asked, finding it difficult to hear over the sounds of the cabinets.

'E!' Klaus cried. 'E as in Exit!' The Baudelaires ran down E as in Exit, but when they reached the last cabinet, the row was becoming F as in Falling File Cabinets, G as in Go the Other Way! and H as in How in the World Are We Going to Escape? Before long, the children found themselves as far from the anteroom door as they possibly could be. As the cabinets crashed around them, and Esmé cackled wildly and stabbed the floor in pursuit, the three youngsters found themselves in the area of the Library of Records where information was deposited. As the room creaked and crashed around them, the siblings looked first at the basket of papers, then at the bowl of paper clips, then the mouth of the chute, and finally at one another.

'Violet,' Klaus said hesitantly, 'do you think you can invent something out of paper clips and a basket that could help us get out of here?'

'I don't have to,' Violet said. 'That chute will serve as an exit.'

'But you won't fit in there,' Klaus said. 'I'm not even sure I will.'

'You're never going to get out of this room alive, you imbeciles!' Esmé cried, using a horrible word in her horrible voice.

'We'll have to try,' Violet said. 'Sunny, go first.'

'Prapil,' Sunny said doubtfully, but she went first, crawling easily into the chute and staring out through the darkness at her siblings.

'Now you, Klaus,' Violet said, and Klaus, removing his glasses so they wouldn't break, followed his sister. It was a tight fit, and it took some manuevering, but eventually the middle Baudelaire worked his way through the mouth of the chute.

'This won't work,' Klaus said to Violet, peering around him. 'It'll be tough to crawl up through the chute, the way it's slanted. Besides, there's no way you'll fit.'

'Then I'll find another way,' Violet said. Her voice was calm, but Klaus and Sunny could see, through the hole in the wall, that her eyes were wide with fear.

'That's out of the question,' Klaus said. 'We'll climb back out, and the three of us will escape together.'

'We can't risk it,' Violet said. 'Esmé won't catch all of us, not if we split up. You two take page