Grace felt the pull and stretch of every muscle in her body as she upped the speed on the treadmill one more time. Her hair was dampened with sweat, and the black sports bra and shorts she wore were soaked through. She knew Gabe was watching her from his own workout in the corner of the small room that had been designated as a gym. He’d done nothing but watch her the last few weeks.
The safe house was on the opposite side of town from headquarters, almost an hour away, and they didn’t have all the comforts of the other building. Or the security. Not that security had done them much good before.
The safe house wasn’t in a good part of town. The building had an outside appearance of being nothing more than an abandoned brownstone with rotting wood and chinks missing from the mortar. But outward appearances were often deceiving, and the core of the building was strong and secure. It was three levels, and they weren’t afforded nearly the privacy they’d had at headquarters. There was a common living area on the second floor, and Gabe had opened the walls and put the control room there as well, so it was just one big space.
Jack and Logan slept in the rooms on the first floor, and Ethan pretty much slept with his computers. That left the top floor for Gabe and Grace.
Gabe had barely taken his eyes off her for the last month. He’d barely spoken to her, either. Not to mention he’d made it very clear that making love was out of the question. She’d had no choice but to push her body past its limits once she was able to get out of bed, or she’d try to kill him.
The cuts and bruises had healed over the past weeks. Only a light discoloration decorated her shoulders and back. And while her body had been healing, she’d had time to think as well. It was hard to admit that she’d been headed down the path of self-destruction. She’d disappointed her team and Gabe, but worst of all, she’d disappointed herself. She knew what she had to do. And she knew she needed to make Gabe listen. Because she needed him to be her support—her strength—through this. She hadn’t been ready to accept his help when he’d first found her in Colombia. But she was ready now.
She slowed the machine to cool-down mode and grabbed a towel off the rail to dry her face. Gabe turned his attention back to the weights he was lifting when he saw her watching him, pretending he hadn’t just spent the last hour scrutinizing her every move.
“Gabe,” she said, waiting patiently until his gaze met hers.
He didn’t stop his reps, and she accepted the slow curl of lust that spread through her as his muscles bulged with every movement. His body was a finely crafted instrument, and she never got tired of knowing that it belonged to her, scars and all. He finally met her eyes, but his expression was shuttered.
“You don’t need to push yourself so hard, Grace.”
“I’m fine. And I need to push myself as much as possible. You know it’s only a matter of time until we hear Kimball has scheduled the auction.”
He went back to his workout, trying to dismiss her as he’d done so many times in the last few days. He didn’t want her thinking about Kimball. As far as he was concerned, she needed to stay tucked in bed until the entire mission was over.
“It’s time to talk, Gabe. No more excuses. I’ll meet you upstairs.”
She hurried out of the gym before Gabe could try to stop her or insist she wasn’t strong enough. They were going to get things worked out between them. And then they were going to make love because she honestly didn’t think she could stand the torture of being so close to him and not having him a second longer.
Since Gabe had rescued her, she’d had no choice but to share his room because it had been easier for him to take care of her. There was a spare bedroom on the top floor, but the thought of going back to her own living space wasn’t as appealing as it had once been. He’d stopped sharing the bed with her once she’d been up and moving around on her own. It was damned irritating.
She used his shower, the smell of his soap and shampoo a comfort as she rubbed it across her skin. The hot water beat down on her tired muscles, but also made her aware of how sensitive her skin was to any kind of touch. Each drop of water was a caress, and it took every ounce of willpower she had not to move her hand to the juncture of her thighs.
She turned the water off with a flick of her wrist and stepped out onto the mat. Her gun was just where she’d left it on the back of the toilet seat, and she grabbed a towel off the rack and dried off quickly. Gabe never made any sound when he moved, but she knew he was out there, waiting for her.
She dressed in soft cotton pants and a tank top. The best she could do with her hair was to brush the tangles out and let it air dry. She grabbed her gun and carried it with her into the small living area they’d been sharing.
He stood in the kitchen with his back to her, wearing a threadbare gray T-shirt and old jeans. His hair was damp from his own shower, and he measured coffee as efficiently as he did everything else.
“What’s this all about, Grace? I need to get down to the control room and talk to Ethan.”
She put her gun on the table and went to him in the kitchen since he was determined to make this as difficult as possible.
“I need to say what I have to say,” she said. “And I need you to listen.” She saw his quick nod, even though he kept his back to her.
Her throat was suddenly dry, and she wasn’t quite sure where to start. How to start.
“I know you lost Maddie too, but I need to make you understand.” His shoulders tensed at the mention of their daughter’s name, but she forged ahead. “As much as you loved her, you never felt that life inside your body. Never felt her growing and stretching, or that instant connection that takes every terrible thing I’ve ever done and washes it clean because I know in my heart she’s the one thing in this life that I’ve done right.”
She held up her hand when he turned around and she saw he was going to speak. Her hand shook, so she put it down quickly, but she got what she wanted. Gabe’s lips pressed together, and he nodded again for her to continue.
“And then she was born, and it was a completely different kind of miracle. She was so perfect, Gabe. How could she come from two such imperfect parents?” She licked her lips and tasted the salt of her tears. She hadn’t even realized she’d been crying. “I can’t tell you what it feels like to have to fight so hard to bring her into the world only to sit there helpless as she was taken out of it.”
She couldn’t quite bring herself to look him in the eyes. “I hated you for a while. I hated myself. To the point where I didn’t care if I lived or died as long as I avenged her death. I’ve been struggling on my own for these last two years, determined to forget you and deal with the pain on my own in the only way I knew how. What has the government made us, Gabe? What kind of person am I that my first thought is to go out and kill?”
“The kind who has a conscience. The kind who takes chances because others choose to look the other direction when it comes to right and wrong. We know what real sacrifice is. And we live with it because there’s no other option.” His voice was soft and full of emotion, but she couldn’t meet his gaze. Not yet.
“This hate is like a disease,” she said. “I can feel it creeping over my skin and devouring my soul. It scares me, and I hate the person I’ve become.”
“Give yourself a break, sweetheart. I still love you as you are. The woman you used to be is in there somewhere, but she’s never going to be the same. She’ll be stronger. Because she’s a survivor.”
He moved toward her, and she tried to back away. To get everything said before he touched her and she fell apart. But he wouldn’t let her. He pulled her into his arms, and she broke. Sobs violently shook her body as she soaked his shirt with her tears. Two years of pain, and hate, and loathing tore free until the sounds that came from deep inside her no longer sounded human.
Gabe knelt with her on the floor and rocked her as he would a child, his own tears falling silently against her neck. She didn’t know how long they stayed that way, but when the tears were gone, her body continued to shake with fatigue and the grief that had finally made its way to the surface.
“I don’t want to be this person anymore, Gabe. I can’t be this person anymore. I won’t survive it.”
“And do you want to survive?”
He tilted her face up until she was looking directly into the blue depths of his eyes. They were wet with emotion and held their own silent grief. Grief that had nothing to do with Maddie and everything to do with the pain she’d caused him.
“Yes. I want to survive. I want to live again. With you.”
