I Can Barely Take Care of Myself

moment in our lives.

I do have one regret, though. I never asked Miriam how she managed not to get yellow, nicotine-stained fingers after smoking her three morning unfiltered Pall Malls.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I’m sure plenty of people will be mad at me for writing about them in a book—even with a fake name. And now everyone else can be mad at me for either forgetting or omitting them from the acknowledgments. I will try to keep this list of people I’m thanking to those who have something directly to do with the book—or else the list is going to go on and on and I’ll end up thanking Morrissey or just listing private jokes I have with my friends as if this were a middle school yearbook.

Thank you to Sarah Knight at Simon & Schuster. Because of your lack of maternal instinct, you made me a paid author. Thank you for your smart notes and encouragement to keep this book on target and funny and to take chances. Thank you to my manager, Kara Baker, for encouraging me to write a book about my experience as a childfree chick. Thank you to my agent Simon Green at CAA for your support and for selling this. Thanks to everyone at Avalon and CAA.

Thank you to Chelsea Handler. Let’s be honest. Nobody was buying my book ideas before I became part of your show(s). Thanks for everything you’ve done for me—and for hiring me twice. Before you hired me the first time I was temping in a windowless room. I love you.

Thanks to everyone at Chelsea Lately—especially the printer by my desk for printing out the first completed manuscript. Everyone else—thanks for reading things in advance and telling me this isn’t a piece of shit that should be thrown away: Chris Franjola, Brad Wollack, Heather McDonald, Fortune Feimster, Sarah Colonna, Jeff Wild, Sue Murphy, Tom Brunelle, April Richardson, Josh Wolf, Dan Maurio, Steve and Andrea Marmalstein.

Thanks to my immediate family for just being you: Ron, Joan, Linda, and Gail; and my nieces and nephews, Buffalo, Ali, and Zac. Thanks to my extended family for just being you. If I list you all by name, this will turn into an encyclopedia. I love you all.

Thanks to my friends who were part of this book, from the child-having to the child-free. I appreciate your reading early drafts and sharing your stories. Margaret Morse, Andrew Donnelly, Sharon Houston, Morgan Murphy, Tami and Tara Fitzkoff, Shauna Beland, Teri McDonald, Paul F. Tompkins, and Janie Haddad-Tompkins. Thank you to everyone who has ever had me on their podcast.

Thanks to “Mr. Bergen.” I still have the card.

About Jen Kirkman

Jen Kirkman is a stand-up comedian as well as a writer and regular roundtable guest on Chelsea Lately, and one of the stars of the hit spin-off mockumentary show After Lately. Jen’s latest stand-up album, Hail to the Freaks (released May 2011), hit no. 13 on the Billboard comedy album charts. Her debut album was 2006’s Self Help. Jen is also well known for her role as the narrator in the cult-hit series Drunk History from Funny or Die/HBO, which won the jury prize in short filmmaking at the Sundance Film Festival. Every month, Jen makes a storytelling appearance on Paul F. Tompkins’s podcast, The Pod F. Tompkast, which was hailed by Rolling Stone as “the best comedy podcast of the moment.” Jen has performed stand-up on Conan, John Oliver’s New York Stand-Up Show, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Late Friday on NBC, Comedy Central’s Premium Blend, and the BBC’s The World Stands Up. Jen was also a cast member of VH1’s sketch show Acceptable TV. She did many voices on the Cartoon Network’s Home Movies as well as Current TV’s political cartoon SuperNews! Entertainment Weekly has twice named Jen as a comedian to watch and the Huffington Post has named her one of the top ten comedians to follow on Twitter. Jen tours as a stand-up and is based in Los Angeles.

Visit Jen at

www.jenkirkman.com

or on Twitter @jenkirkman

FOR MORE ON THIS AUTHOR: authors.simonandschuster.com/Jen-Kirkman

MEET THE AUTHORS, WATCH VIDEOS AND MORE AT

SimonandSchuster.com

_{JACKET PHOTOGRAPHS BY DEBRA FEINGOLD}

_{COPYRIGHT © 2013 SIMON & SCHUSTER}

We hope you enjoyed reading this Simon & Schuster eBook.

Join our mailing list and get updates on new releases, deals, bonus content and other great books from Simon & Schuster.

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP

or visit us online to sign up at

eBookNews.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright

Simon & Schuster

1230 Avenue of the Americas

New York, NY 10020

www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright © 2013 by Block of Cheese, Inc.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Simon & Schuster Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Simon & Schuster hardcover edition April 2013

SIMON & SCHUSTER and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at www.simonspeakers.com.

Designed by Esther Paradelo

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data