Never Knowing

To her back I said, “But do you think it’s just someone trying to scare me? And you have to take it seriously because of the Campsite Killer connection?”

She glanced over her shoulder. “I can’t really say until we look into it, but be careful. And thanks for coming in. If you have any questions give me a call.”

Out in the parking lot, I sat in the Cherokee and stared at the business card in my hand. My body was shivering. I’d hoped the police would tell me I had nothing to worry about, but Constable Taylor had passed up every opportunity to reassure me. Now I was terrified it really was the Campsite Killer calling.

Were the police going to talk to Julia? How long was it going to take before they got in touch with me? How was I going to make it through another couple of days not knowing? I thought about what the man had said about Karen’s earrings. Wasn’t that the quickest way to prove him a liar? But if I called Julia, she’d just hang up before I could ask her anything.

I glanced at the clock. It was only nine in the morning — time enough to get down to Victoria and still be back to pick Ally up from school.

Because it was Friday and not yet lunchtime I thought Julia might be at the university, so I headed straight to the campus. I spent the entire drive rehearsing ways to tell her what was going on, but first I had to actually get her to talk to me. I hoped showing up at her workplace would mean she couldn’t slam the door in my face. But when I called her office from a pay phone, an assistant told me she didn’t have any classes that day and she didn’t know when she’d be back.

I was going to have to go to her house.

As I drove down Dallas Road, I started to second-guess the brilliance of my plan. I was crazy. Julia was going to flip at the sight of me. I should just leave it to the police. But still I found myself parked on the road in front of Julia’s house, staring at her front door.

I had to let her know what was going on. She was the only person who knew about the earrings. I had a right to ask — the safety of my family depended on it. Her safety depended on it.

When I knocked on her door my heart kicked into high gear and my throat tightened. She didn’t answer, but her car was in the driveway. Had she seen me walk up to the house? What should I say if Katharine’s home? This was a bad idea. Then I heard voices from the back of the house.

As I came around the corner I saw Julia and an older man standing by a basement window at the far end of the house. The man was carrying a clipboard and Julia was pointing at the window, her face pale and strained. I stopped, wondering if I should leave. I picked up part of their conversation, something about steel bars. Now I remembered seeing a van for a security company on the street. The man said something as he shook Julia’s hand, but she seemed distracted. She was still staring at the window as he walked past me with a nod. I waited until he was down the driveway, then cleared my throat. Her head snapped in my direction.

“Hi, I need to talk to—”

“That’s it. I’m calling the police.” She stalked toward a back deck.

“That’s why I’m here — it’s about the police.”

That stopped her. She turned around.

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been getting calls from newspapers and—”

“What do you think my life is like?” Her face was flushed and angry. “I had to cancel classes today because reporters are harassing my students and waiting in the parking lot. My home number and address are unlisted, but it won’t take them long to get that information. Or did you already tell them that too?” “I never—”

“Are you trying to make money off this? Is that what you’re here for?” She started to pace in short jerky directions like she wanted to run but didn’t know where to go.

“I didn’t have anything to do with it getting out. That’s the last thing I wanted. I only told a private investigator, and then my sister because I was upset, but I don’t know how it got leaked.”

“You hired a private investigator.” She shook her head and squeezed her eyes closed. When she opened them, they looked desperate.

“What do you want?”

“I don’t want anything.” But it wasn’t true. And now she’d never give me what I really wanted.

“Do you know how long it took for me to build a life here?” she said. “You’ve ruined everything.”

Her words crashed into me and I almost stepped back from the blow. She was right, I had ruined everything. And it was about to get worse. The next part would terrify her even more, but it had to be said. I braced myself.

“I came here today because I thought you should know a man called me this morning. He said … he said he’s my real father. He recognized your photo and he said he had your earrings.”

She was completely still, the only movement her pupils dilating. Then she began to shake as tears leaked from the corners of her eyes.

“They were a gift from my parents. Pearls. Pink ones with silver leaf backings, for my graduation.” Her voice caught and she swallowed hard. “I was worried about wearing them camping, but my mother said beautiful things were to be enjoyed.” He did take her earrings. I remembered the man’s voice, the way he spoke about his daughter. My blood whooshed in my ears as I stared at her, trying to think of what to say, trying not to think about what this meant.

Finally I found some words. “I’m … I’m sorry he took them.”

Her eyes met mine. “He said thank you.” She looked away again. “The police never revealed to the public that he took my earrings. They told me they’d catch him.” She shook her head. “Then I found out I was pregnant. But I couldn’t kill it. So I changed my name and moved away. I just wanted to forget it ever happened. But every time he murders someone, the police find me. One of them told me I was the lucky one.” She laughed bitterly, then looked back at me.

“I’ve lived in terror for thirty-five years that he’s going to find me. I haven’t slept one night without waking up from a dream that he’s still chasing me.” Her voice quivered. “You found me, he can find me.” For once her expression wasn’t guarded and I could see the raw pain in her eyes. I could see her. Every broken piece. This poor woman had lived in fear for so long — and now she had even more because of me.

I stepped closer. “I’m really—”

“You should go.” Her face had closed down again.

“Okay, sure. Do you want my number?”

She said, “I have it.” The patio doors closed behind her with a solid click.

That night Evan came home and I told him we needed to talk, but we didn’t get a chance until Ally and Moose were in bed and we’d collapsed on the couch. Evan sat with his legs up on the coffee table, and I sat at the opposite end with my arms wrapped around my knees. He was upset about the second call but glad I’d gone straight to the police. When I told him I’d also gone to see Julia he just shook his head. But he really didn’t like hearing about the earrings.

“If he calls again — don’t answer it.”

“That’s what the cops said too.”

“I don’t like that this is happening and I have to leave on Monday. Maybe I should get one of the other guides to take this group.”

“I thought everyone was away.”

He rubbed his jaw. “Frank might be able to do it, but he’s only been out once on his own and it’s a big group. They come back every year.”

Evan had worked for years to build his lodge’s reputation to the point where he was booked every summer. But one bad trip with an inexperienced guide or, worse, an accident, and his business was toast.

“You have to take them.”

“Maybe you should stay at your parents’ or Lauren’s.”