Never Knowing

believe he was already turning ten. I’d practiced changing diapers on him. Not that my trial-and-errors with him helped when it came to dealing with a strong-willed little girl.

Just trying to take Ally shopping for a present was insane. First she had to walk up and down every aisle. Then we finally settled on a Nintendo game, but she wouldn’t stop looking at the ones still on the shelf. “Maybe he’d like hockey better, Mommy.” I said Brandon would be happy with any of them, but she started picking up one after another again. When I finally snapped and grabbed the one she’d already picked, she screamed, “It’s the wrong one, Mommy!” like her life depended on it. Then she stood in the middle of the aisle, her arms crossed in front of her, and refused to budge no matter what I said. At the end of my rope, I said, “Fine, you can just stay here all day,” and started walking away. After a moment she followed along behind, her little shoulders slumped and her lips tight as she struggled not to cry.

A few miles down the road she was still staring out the passenger window. Now that I was calmer, I felt bad for rushing her and said, “Brandon’s going to be so excited when he sees your present.” She still wouldn’t look at me, so I started singing along to the radio, making up my own words. “Sugar pie, Ally Cat, you know I love you. I can’t help myself, I love you and nobody else, except for Evan, and Moose, and Nana, and Auntie Lauren, and—” I sucked in a big breath of air. The corner of Ally’s lips twitched as she tried not to laugh. I started singing louder. By the time we picked up Evan, she was also singing — in between giggles, which got me laughing too. Then she tilted her head to one side, smiled at me, and said, “You’re so pretty, Mommy.” God, I love that kid.

We were still having fun when we pulled into Lauren and Greg’s driveway. This year the party was a Transformers theme, so I knew the whole house would be decorated top to bottom, and they had all kinds of games for the kids. I probably would’ve had a great time if both my fathers hadn’t ruined it for me.

Dad was getting a case of beer from his truck when we got out of the Cherokee. As Ally ran ahead with Moose to find the boys, I followed my father and Evan to the backyard while they talked fishing. Greg hovered over a gas grill, apron tied around his neck. He grinned at the sight of us. A big teddy bear of a man, he pulled me, then Evan, in for a rough hug. After he released us he opened a cooler near his feet and handed Evan a beer. Judging by Greg’s rosy cheeks he’d already helped himself to a couple.

“You want anything, Sara?”

“I’ll grab a coffee inside, thanks.”

In the kitchen, Lauren was dumping chips into a bowl while Mom finished up the dishes. Lauren has a dishwasher, but Mom won’t use one. She doesn’t think they get dishes clean enough.

“Can I help with anything?” I said.

Lauren turned around with a smile and blew a wisp of blond hair off her face.

“I think we’re okay for the moment.”

I gave Mom a kiss on the cheek, noticing her face seemed thinner since I last saw her. She smiled, but her eyes were tired and she’d definitely lost weight. I poured myself a cup of coffee and felt my good mood slipping away.

As I took my first sip I spotted Melanie and Kyle coming around the side of the house. Dad barely acknowledged Kyle, who was dressed in skinny black jeans and a tight black T-shirt, before turning back to his conversation with Evan.

Lauren came up behind me and rested her chin on my shoulder. We watched the men for a moment. Greg was telling a story — beer in one hand, tongs in the other. Evan and Melanie laughed when he finished. Greg’s eyes darted to Dad to see if he was laughing too — he wasn’t.

I said, “Beer and logging. Greg’s two favorite subjects.”

“Be nice.” Lauren poked my back.

While the kids dove into the food at their table, the adults settled around the log picnic table Greg built. I was just taking my first bite of burger when my cell rang in my pocket. I pulled it out and casually glanced at the call display. Another strange number. It had to be John.

It rang again. As I stood up, everyone around the picnic table stopped talking. The only sound was from the kids’ table.

I said, “Excuse me for a minute.” Dad’s face was a thundercloud. Trying not to break into a run, I walked around the corner until I was out of sight, then answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“I needed to hear your voice.”

His words made me cringe, but I said, “Is everything all right?” How was I going to get him off the phone?

“I’m glad I found you.” His voice was tight, like it was hard to get out the words. “Knowing … knowing I have you … helps.” I heard a noise in the background but couldn’t make it out.

“What’s that sound? Where are you calling from?”

“It’s not too late.”

“What’s not too late?”

“For us.”

I didn’t say anything for a moment, trying to focus on the sounds in the background. Animal or human?

“Tell me it’s not too late.”

“No, no, of course not.”

He exhaled into the phone. It sounded labored, like he was breathing through clenched teeth.

He said, “I have to go.”

After I closed the phone I tried to compose myself, but my throat was so tight I felt like I was strangling. My vision blurred. I pressed the heel of my hand against my temple and closed my eyes. How was I going to deal with this? I couldn’t let my family see how upset I was. I wanted to call Billy, but everyone would wonder if I was gone much longer. Don’t think about John, just shut it out and focus. Pull it together, Sara. As I walked back to the table I caught Evan’s eye and gave a slight nod.

“That the client you were waiting for?” he said when I sat down.

Thank you, baby.

“Yeah.” I avoided my dad’s stare from across the table and picked my burger up. “Sorry about that, guys. This client is really high-maintenance.”

Dad said, “It could’ve waited.”

“He has limited time, so I have to—”

Dad had already turned his attention back to Evan. On the other side of the table Kyle picked at his food. His nails were painted black.

Melanie caught me staring. “Was it that good-looking cop?”

Evan’s body tensed beside me.

I shook my head. “No, a different client.”

Melanie said, “What was his name again? Bill?”

I nodded, then forced myself to take another bite of my burger. “These are great, Greg.”

“He didn’t look like the antique-collecting type,” Melanie said. Now everyone was watching me.

Mom looked confused. “You met one of Sara’s clients?”

Melanie said, “Yeah, when I stopped by the other day they were having lunch.”

Shut up, Melanie.

Evan stopped eating and was looking at me.

“He just came over to see my shop and I was making a sandwich, so I offered him one.” Not quite, but close enough.

Melanie said, “So what are you doing for him?” I wanted to smash my burger into her smirking face.

Think, think.

“His mother just passed away and she had a basement full of antiques. I’m trying to sort through them for him and clean them up so he can sell them. There are quite a few pieces.” I warmed to my lie. “Could take me a