He looked away, thinking aloud. 'People resent my equanimity-always have.
Those who work for me don't, they like it. They know that when they feel like panicking, when they feel they can't cope, they can come to me and tell me about the dilemma; and if I can't see a way through it, I'll tell them what is the best thing to do, the lesser evil; and because I say it in a calm voice, because I see that it's a dilemma and I don't panic, they go away reassured and do what they have to do. All I do is clarify the problem and refuse to be frightened by it; but that's just what they need. However ... exactly the same attitude often infuriates other people-my superiors, my friends, Angela, you ... I've never understood why.,,
'Because sometimes you should panic, fool,' she said softly. 'Sometimes you should show that you are frightened, or obsessed, or crazy for something. It's human, and it's a sign that you care. When you're so calm all the time we think it's because you don't give a damn.'
Vandam said: 'Well, people should know better. Lovers should know better, and so should friends, and bosses if they're any good.' He said this honestly, but in the back of his mind he realized that there was indeed an element of ruthlessness, of cold-heartedness, in his famous equanimity.
'And if they don't know better' She had stopped crying now.
'I should be different? No.' He wanted to be honest with her now. He could have told her a lie to make her happy: Yes, you're right, I'll try to be different. But what was the point? If he could not be himself with her, it was all worthless, he would be manipulating her the way all men had manipulated her, the way he manipulated people he did not love. So he told her the truth. 'You see, this is the way I win. I mean, win everything ... the game of life-so to speak.' He gave a wry grin. 'I am detached. I look at everything from a distance. I do care, but I refuse to do pointless things, symbolic gestures, empty fits of rage. Either we love each other or we don't, and all the flowers in the world won't make any difference. But the work I did today could affect whether we live or die. I did think of you, all day; but each time I thought of you, I turned my mind to more urgent things. I work efficiently, I set priorities and I don't worry about you when I know you're okay. Can you imagine yourself getting used to that?'
She gave him a watery smile. 'I'll try.'
And all the time, in the back of his mind, he was thinking: For how long?
Do I want this woman forever? What if I don't?
He pushed the thought down. Right now it was low priority. 'What I want to say, after all that, is: Forget about tonight, don't go, we'll manage without you. But I can't. We need vou, and it's terribly important.' 'That's okay, I understand.'
'But first of all, may I kiss you hello?'
'Yes, please.'
Kneeling beside the arm of her chair, he took her face in his big hand, and kissed her lips. Her mouth was soft and yielding, and slightly moist. He savored the feel and the taste of her. Never bad he felt like this, as though he could go on kissing, just so, all night and never get tired. Eventually she drew back, took a deep breath, and said: 'My, my, I do believe you mean it.'
'You may be sure of that.'
She laughed. 'When you said that, you were the old Major Vandam for a moment-the one I used to know before I knew you.'
'And your my, my,' in that provocative voice was the old Elene.'
'Brief me, Major.'
'I'll have to get out of kissing distance.'
'Sit over there and cross your legs. Anyway, what were you doing today?'
Vandam crossed the room to the drinks cupboard and found the gin. 'A major in Intelligence has disappeared along with a briefcase full of secrets.'
'Wolff?'
'Could be. It turns out that this major has been disappearing at lunchtime, a couple of times a week, and nobody knows where he's been going. I've a hunch that he might have been meeting Wolff.' 'So why would he disappear?'
Vandam shrugged. 'Something went wrong.'
'What was in his briefcase today?'
Vandam wondered how much to tell her. 'A rundown of our defenses which was so complete that we think it could alter the result of the next battle.' Smith had also been in possession of Vandam's proposed deception plan, but Vandam did not tell Elene this: he trusted her all the way, but he also had security instincts. He finished: 'So, we'd better catch Wolff tonight.'
'But it might be too late already!'
'No. We found the decrypt of one of Wolffs signals, a while back. It was timed at midnight. Spies have a set time for reporting, generally the same time every day. At other times their masters won't be listening-at least, not on the right wavelength--so even if they do signal nobody picks it up. Therefore, I think Wolff will send this information tonight at midnight-unless I catch him first.' He hesitated, then changed his mind about security and decided she ought to know the full importance of what she was doing. 'There's something else. He's using a code based on a novel called Rebecca. I've got a copy of the novel. If I can get the key to the code-' 'What's that?'
'Just a piece of paper telling him how to use the book to encode signals.'
'Go on.'
'If I can get the key to the Rebecca code, I can impersonate Wolff over the radio and send false information to Rommel. It could turn the tables completely-it could save Egypt. But I must have the key.' 'All right. What's tonight's plan?'
'It's the same as before, only more so. I'll be in the restaurant with Jakes, and we'll both have pistols.' Her
