22
At the sound of her cry, the man spun on his heel. ‘Grace!’ Ben said, a mixture of astonishment and worry on his face. ‘What are you doing out here?’
For a moment she had imagined it was her husband, and nothing else had mattered except catching up to him. Now, bitter disappointment derailed her.
‘Why the hell are you creeping around?’ she shouted. Ben appeared to wince at her loud voice, and glanced uncomfortably towards the trees and the car park and hall beyond, but there was no one visible, only the faint sound of music.
‘Grace, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you – I didn’t know anyone else was down here.’
‘But what are you doing here?’ she demanded, still angry. ‘You said you weren’t coming.’
‘Well, I changed my mind. A few times, actually. I was wondering if this might be -’ He stopped, as though reluctant to go on.
‘Be what?’ Grace insisted.
Ben shook his head. ‘Never mind, it doesn’t matter.’ He came closer. ‘Here,’ he took off his jacket and held it up to drape over her shoulders, ‘you must be freezing.’
Grace became aware of how tightly she had wrapped her arms around herself, and how hard she was shaking. She let him lay the jacket over her, and as the fight left her, tears began to form in her eyes. She looked down.
‘You should go back inside, Grace, where it’s warm.’
She kept her focus on the ground. ‘I’d rather not, for a minute.’
‘All right then, come and sit in my car for a while and get warm.’
He led the way to the Land Rover, slivers of light from the hall reflecting off the bonnet. She heard the click of his key-fob and the doors opened. Grace climbed into the passenger seat and laid her head back against the head rest, while Ben got into the driver’s seat and started the engine.
‘Where are we going?’ Grace asked, alarmed as the doors automatically locked with a loud click.
‘Nowhere,’ Ben said, ‘I was just switching the engine on to get the heat coming through properly.’
Grace looked at the bright lights of the hall, and pictured the cheerful celebrations inside. Right at this moment she wanted to be far away from it all. ‘Actually, can you take us for a drive?’
Ben didn’t say another word, but put the car into gear and began to reverse.
Once they were heading slowly down the gravel driveway, Grace nestled into her seat. The silken lining of Ben’s jacket was soft against her arms, and she pulled it closer around her, breathing in the unfamiliar scent of his aftershave on the lapels. The dark sky formed a backdrop to the sable silhouettes of trees as they sped along. Nightfall made everything an illusion. The small red and blue lights on Ben’s dashboard were comforting, reassuring little beacons of safety; the car their small enclave on the unfamiliar roads.
She roused herself as Ben slowed, to find that they were caught in a traffic jam.
‘What’s going on?’ she asked, intrigued.
‘They’re heading for midnight mass.’
Grace looked towards the church in the distance, then at the cars pulling up. ‘I’ve never been,’ she said. ‘Have you?’
‘Would you like to go now?’
Grace considered the unexpected offer. ‘Yes.’
Ben pulled in to the kerb without a word. They got out of the car and made their way through a small lych gate, then along the churchyard path towards bright, welcoming light. Grace hadn’t been to a church service since she was a child. Her parents used to attend every week, until her father had found a new religion called golf.
They slid into an empty pew at the back, and Grace looked around. The church was long and thin with an ornate high ceiling. The organ droned in the background as the congregation filed in, then struck up with a renewed vigour as the clergy processed slowly down the aisle.
When the service began, Grace let the words wash over her, the vicar’s voice rising and falling in prayer. When she was asked to kneel, she pressed her face against her hands and let her tears come in silent relief, acknowledging how helpless she felt, and sending out a plea that the coming year would be brighter and happier for Millie and for herself.
When the service ended, she felt lighter. She hadn’t so much as looked at Ben since entering the church, but now, as people began to wish one another a merry Christmas, he turned to her with a smile. ‘Happy Christmas, Grace.’ She smiled in reply, enjoying the snatched moment of tranquillity. Then she glanced at her watch.
‘Oh no, I’ve got to get back. Annabel and James will be going mad… and I need to get home for Millie.’
‘The ball doesn’t finish until one,’ Ben reassured her. ‘They might not have even registered that you’ve gone.’
But Grace had no doubt that they would have noticed by now. ‘Can we go quickly?’ she asked as they hurried out of the church, saying a brief Merry Christmas to the vicar before rushing back to Ben’s car.
Ben unlocked the doors as he went swiftly around to the driver’s side. ‘Don’t panic, Grace, we’ll be there in ten minutes,’ he said as they climbed inside.
During the journey, Grace jiggled her knees up and down impatiently. But as they came onto the long gravel drive she was distracted from her worry, as Ben said, ‘Look, why don’t I leave you all to have Christmas dinner on your own. I don’t want to intrude.’
‘Ben, you’re not intruding – really,’ Grace insisted, keen for him to come after he had been so gently supportive of her tonight. ‘We’d love to have you. Annabel will grumble all day if you back out now…’
‘Well, all right, if you’re sure.’
For some reason his detachment infuriated her, and she twisted in her seat to face him. ‘Ben, why are you house-sitting in the middle of nowhere on your own? What’s going on?’ Jenny’s wary face and long auburn hair flashed through her mind. What role did that woman play in his life?
Ben lapsed into silence for a long moment, his features grim, before he said, ‘I have some unfinished business, like you.’
‘You skirt around giving straight answers every single time, do you realise that?’ Grace demanded, irritated.
She saw his jaw tighten. ‘Grace, I can assure you, this is not a Christmas Day kind of conversation.’
She sat back in her seat with an exasperated sigh, unable to think of a reply.
When they reached the end of the drive, instead of going right to the car park, Ben pulled up on the grass beforehand.
‘Will you be all right from here?’ he asked.
‘Yes, of course,’ she said, puzzled. But before she could turn away, he slowly leaned towards her, and she felt her heartbeat skitter as his face drew close to hers. She smelled his aftershave again, studied the taut line of his jaw, and when his face was almost touching hers, she looked into his eyes. He was watching her curiously.
She had forgotten to breathe. Then she heard the latch of her door as he opened it for her, and he straightened back up into his seat, even though he was still scrutinising her.
‘Ben,’ Grace began as she let go of her breath, forgetting that anyone was waiting for her now. She sensed she might not get another chance at such intimacy with him. ‘You can trust me, you know.’
Ben leaned back, staring at the car roof. ‘I know,’ he said. ‘I know that, Grace. I just don’t want you to think…’ He stopped, apparently lost for the next words. Then he turned to face her. ‘I left here under a cloud, Grace. A very, very black cloud.’
‘Even so, can’t you come and join the final hour of the party?’ she urged, giving his sleeve a small tug of encouragement. ‘Have a drink for Christmas, forget your troubles for a little while. You can stick with us,’ she added, in case he was worried about more reactions like those of the publicans in Roseby – briefly trying to imagine what he might have done to have caused them, then wishing she hadn’t.
‘I wish I could. I drove all the way over here because my sister told me to come – in fact she said it was an excellent idea – but now I’m here I doubt it very much.’
‘I didn’t know you had a sister,’ Grace said, pleased that he had shared this small confidence with her.
‘I have four of them, Grace,’ Ben replied, ‘and three are in there right now, along with my mother, who hasn’t spoken to me for fourteen years, and who still isn’t ready to talk to me now.’
