Beneath the Shadows

Grace smiled at her. ‘You’re probably right.’ She hesitated. ‘You’re different to the rest of your family, Claire. More…’ She wasn’t sure how to finish.

‘I’m hoping you’re going to be the first person ever to say normal,’ Claire chuckled, indicating her piercings as she did so. ‘These usually make me stand out for a start. But I am very different to them. I think Ben and I have more trouble hiding our feelings than the others. And there’s so much going on in our family that I’d rather not know about. You’ll have to excuse Jenny, for a start. She’s all bitter and twisted at the moment because Liza is pregnant. Jenny would love a family, but she had to have an emergency hysterectomy a few years ago. She’s trying to live with it, but she doesn’t do a great job at times… She’s had a tough time of it lately, anyway – she was always Dad’s baby and it hit her particularly hard when he died. No doubt she’s envious of you having Millie – I remember her having a bit of a crush on Adam when he lived here. She always used to tag along when I went out for a sneaky cigarette with him. It annoyed the crap out of me, I quite liked him myself.’

Grace smiled, still having trouble picturing Adam as a chain-smoking teenager.

‘My role in the family is primarily as the dumping ground for everyone else’s stress and problems,’ Claire continued, ‘most of which, if not all, are self-inflicted. You can see why I like to go on long trips away…’ Claire smiled as she said it, but her underlying frustration was clear. ‘And what about you, Grace?’ she asked. ‘What are your plans now?’

‘I have no idea.’ Grace sighed. ‘I’ve only been on my own here for a couple of days, and it feels like everything is getting on top of me again. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to see this out. I’m normally pretty strong – I don’t know why I’m struggling so much…’

‘Well, you’ve been through a lot,’ Claire said. ‘Give yourself a break. Besides, struggling doesn’t make you weak, Grace. Considering what you’re dealing with, it would probably be more of a concern if you weren’t struggling…’

Grace put her head in her hands. ‘Well, I’m fed up of it. I don’t know how much longer I can live here without going crazy, but there’s still quite a bit to do…’

Claire looked thoughtful. ‘You know, when I go travelling, I pick up a bag, and I go. Sometimes I’m away for a few weeks. The longest I’ve been gone is a couple of years. But everything I’ve needed has been in that bag… When I come home from a trip it always takes me a while to get used to living in a house, and it always seems strange how attached people get to a lot of irrelevant, unnecessary stuff.’

‘Point taken,’ Grace said. ‘But I’m not attached to this place at all. That’s what I’m trying to say. I want to sort every thing out here and then move on, give myself and Millie the best shot at a life somewhere else. But if I can at least get the cottage generating an income for us, I’ll have so much more freedom to choose what I do next.’

‘Well, money isn’t everything. The people I meet on the road who do have money don’t have half as much fun. Because the ones without too much ready cash have to take risks – they can’t play it safe because they don’t have that luxury. So we don’t lock ourselves away in posh hotels, or on guided tours, even though we probably would if we could afford it. But as a result, the experience is so much richer. Those who can play it safe, invariably do – and, you know what, I think they miss out. So don’t be afraid of risk, Grace.’

Grace was listening hard. ‘But that’s the funny thing, I thought I was taking a risk – coming here,’ she said.

‘Really?’ Claire looked bemused. ‘To me it seems like you’re trying to do the responsible thing.’

‘Maybe.’ Grace smiled at Claire. ‘I’ll certainly think about what you’ve said.’ She took a sip of her drink. ‘I’m sorry Ben didn’t come tonight.’

Claire shrugged. ‘He has his reasons. I should stop interfering, he’s a big boy.’

‘So, if you and Adam were good friends when you were younger,’ Grace asked, ‘how come Ben didn’t know him very well?’

‘Oh, Ben was doing his own thing by the time we were eighteen, certainly not hanging around with me. It’s that strange twin thing – we’ve got a strong bond, but we can irritate the hell out of each other as well.’

Grace stared at her in astonishment. ‘You’re twins?’

‘Yes – I thought you knew.’

Grace shook her head. ‘It makes sense though – Ben seems so much closer to you than the others, and you share certain similarities.’

‘Yes – as Mum used to say, we’re both wilful and pig-headed,’ Claire laughed. She finished her drink. ‘It also makes me piggy in the middle in the case of everyone versus Ben. But then my brother doesn’t help that really – he’s so hard to predict, or prise information from. Well, thanks for letting me stay for a chat. I’d best get back to the house now and see what’s happening. Will you be okay?’

‘I’ll be fine, thanks.’ Grace followed her to the front door.

‘Happy New Year,’ she called out belatedly, a few seconds after Claire had closed the gate behind her.

‘Happy New Year,’ came Claire’s disembodied voice in reply, her body already engulfed by the night.

When Grace shut the front door, she went back into the lounge and poured herself a glass of wine. She took it out to the hallway and stood in front of the grandfather clock, feeling impetuous. ‘Happy New Year, and fuck you,’ she said to the clock, raising her glass to it.

The clock ticked on.

It was after two a.m. She knew she was going to regret staying up in a few hours, but the night had thrown up so many things to think about. Pieces were beginning to come together in her mind. From what she had overheard earlier, there could be little doubt that Liza and Steve were having an affair. Perhaps Liza wasn’t meant to be in Ockton on the day she had bumped into Adam? It would certainly explain her reluctance to get involved. Especially if Dan was friends with people on the investigation.

She remembered what Claire had said about Adam. She smiled to herself, wondering if Adam knew what Meredith’s girls had thought of him.

Then something occurred to her that made her freeze.

Jesus, she thought. If she were right, this would change everything.

She hurried over to a pile of papers, and leafed rapidly through them until she found those strange notes. She searched for the only one that was signed. She had read it as Jonny. But that o could easily be an e. In fact it was an e, the more she looked at it.

If you go, I will die.

I love you.

Don’t leave me.

Don’t make me hate you forever.

I can’t bear the thought of being apart from you. Please don’t go. We can work this out, whatever our parents say. I love you.

Jenny

35

Grace sat staring at the notes in front of her, then reached out and topped up her wine glass without even thinking about it.

These letters were obviously written by a girl who was hopelessly in love. The one that she had signed bothered Grace the most. ‘… whatever our parents say…’ implied that Adam had reciprocated, didn’t it? She remembered Claire saying that Jenny had just turned thirty – so there were only a couple of years between her and Adam. She would have been sweet sixteen when Adam had moved into the village.

If the two of them had had a secret romance, and their parents had conspired to separate them, Meredith might not be best pleased to see Adam back. But that was fourteen years ago. Surely this couldn’t have any bearing on Adam’s disappearance, could it?

Moreover, surely Adam wouldn’t have brought Grace and Millie to live here if he had any notion that there was