some horrid drab overalls, and how can you take me riding in the Row dressed like … like a common commissary person, or something?'
'Shan't wear uniform,' says I. 'Just civilian toggings, my dear. And you'll own my tailor's a good one, since you chose him yourself.'
'That will be quite as bad,' says she, 'with all the other husbands in their fine uniforms—and you looked so well and dashing. Could you not be a Hussar again, my love—just for me?'
When Elspeth pouted those red lips, and heaved her remarkable bosom in a sigh, my thoughts always galloped bedwards, and she knew it. But I couldn't be weakened that way, as I explained.
'Can't be done. Cardigan won't have me back in the 11th, you may be sure; why, he kicked me out in '40.'
'Because I was a … a tradesman's daughter, he said. I know.' For a moment I thought she would weep. 'Well, I am not so now. Father … '
'. . bought a peerage just in time before he died, so you are a baron's daughter. Yes, my love, but that won't serve for Jim the Bear. I doubt if he fancies bought nobility much above no rank at all.'
'Oh, how horridly you put it. Anyway, I am sure that is not so, because he danced twice with me last season, while you were away, at Lady Brown's assembly—yes, and at the cavalry ball. I distinctly remember, because I wore my gold ruffled dress and my hair a l'imperatrice, and he said I looked like an Empress indeed. Was that not gallant? And he bows to me in the Park, and we have spoken several times. He seems a very kind old gentleman, and not at all gruff, as they say.'
'Is he now?' says I. I didn't care for the sound of this; I knew Cardigan for as lecherous an old goat as ever tore off breeches. 'Well, kind or not as he may seem, he's one to beware of, for your reputation's sake, and mine. Any-way, he won't have me back—and I don't fancy him much either, so that settles it.'
She made a mouth at this. 'Then I think you are both very stubborn and foolish. Oh, Harry, I am quite miserable about it; and poor little Havvy too, would be so proud to have his father in one of the fine regiments, with a grand uniform. He will be so downcast.'
Poor little Havvy, by the way, was our son and heir, a boisterous malcontent five-year-old who made the house hideous with his noise and was forever hitting his shuttle-cocks about the place. I wasn't by any means sure that I was his father, for as I have explained before, my Elspeth hid a monstrously passionate nature under her beautifully innocent roses-and-cream exterior, and I suspected that she had been bounced about by half London during the fourteen years of our marriage. I'd been away a good deal, of course. But I'd never caught her out—mind you, that meant nothing, she'd never caught me, and I had had more than would make a hand-rail round Hyde Park. But whatever we both suspected we kept to ourselves, and dealt very well. I loved her, you see, in a way which was not entirely carnal, and I think, I believe, I hope, that she worshipped me, although I've never made up my mind about that.
But I had my doubts about the paternity of little Havvy—so called because his names were Harry Albert Victor, and he couldn't say 'Harry' properly, generally because his month was full. My chum Speedicut, I remember, who is a coarse brute, claimed to see a conclusive resemblance to me: when Havvy was a few weeks old, and Speed came to the nursery to see him getting his rations, he said the way the infant went after the nurse's tits proved beyond doubt whose son he was.
'Little Havvy,' I told Elspeth, 'is much too young to care a feather what uniform his father wears. But my present work is important, my love, and you would not have me shirk my duty. Perhaps, later, I may transfer'—I would, too, as soon as it looked safe—'and you will be able to lead your cavalryman to drums and balls and in the Row to your heart's content.'
It cheered her up, like a sweet to a child; she was an astonishingly shallow creature in that way. More like a lovely flaxen-haired doll come to life than a woman with a human brain, I often thought. Still, that has its conveniences, too.
In any event, Bindley spoke for me to Lord Paget, who took me in tow, and so I joined the Board of Ordnance. And it was the greatest bore, for his lordship proved to be one of those meddling fools who insist on taking an interest in the work of committees to which they are appointed—as if a lord is ever expected to do anything but lend the light of his countenance and his title. He actually put me to work, and not being an engineer, or knowing more of stresses and moments than sufficed to get me in and out of bed, I was assigned to musketry testing at the Woolwich laboratory, which meant standing on firing-points while the marksmen of the Royal Small Arms Factory blazed away at the 'eunuchs'.2 The fellows there were a very common lot, engineers and the like, full of nonsense about the virtues of the Minie as compared with the Long Enfield .577, and the Pritchard bullet, and the Aston backsight—there was tremendous work going on just then, of course, to find a new rifle for the army, and Molesworth's committee was being set up to make the choice. It was all one to me if they decided on arquebuses; after a month spent listening to them prosing about jamming ramrods, and getting oil on my trousers, I found myself sharing the view of old General Scarlett, who once told me:
'Splendid chaps the ordnance, but dammem, a powder monkey's a powder monkey, ain't he? Let 'em fill the cartridges and bore the guns, but don't expect me to know a .577 from a mortar! What concern is that of a gentleman—or a soldier, either? Hey? Hey?'
Indeed, I began to wonder how long I could stand it, and settled for spending as little time as I could on my duties, and devoting myself to the social life. Elspeth at thirty seemed to be developing an even greater appetite, if that were possible, for parties and dances and the opera and assemblies, and when I wasn't squiring her I was busy about the clubs and the Haymarket, getting back into my favourite swing of devilled bones, mulled port and low company, riding round Albert Gate by day and St John's Wood by night, racing, playing pool, carousing with Speed and the lads, and keeping the Cyprians busy. London is always lively, but there was a wild mood about in those days, and growing wilder as the weeks passed. It was all: when will the war break out? For soon it was seen that it must come, the press and the street-corner orators were baying for Russian blood, the Government talked interminably and did nothing, the Russian ambassador was sent packing, the Guards marched away to embark for the Mediterranean at an unconscionably early hour of the morning—Elspeth, full of bogus loyalty and snob curiosity, infuriated me by creeping out of bed at four to go and watch this charade, and came back at eight twittering about how splendid the Queen had looked in a dress of dark green merino as she cried farewell to her gallant fellows—and a few days later Palmerston and Graham got roaring tight at the Reform Club and made furious speeches in which they announced that they were going to set about the villain Nicholas and drum him through Siberia.3
I listened to a mob in Piccadilly singing about how British arms would 'tame the frantic autocrat and smite the Russian slave,' and consoled myself with the thought that I would be snug and safe down at Woolwich, doing less than my share to see that they got the right guns to do it with. And so I might, if I hadn't loafed out one evening to play pool with Speed in the Haymarket.
As I recall, I only went because Elspeth's entertainment for the evening was to consist of going to the theatre with a gaggle of her female friends to see some play by a Frenchman—it was patriotic to go to anything French just then, and besides the play was said to be risque, so my charmer was bound to see it in order to be virtuously shocked.4 I doubted whether it would ruffle my tender sensibilities, though—not enough to be interesting, anyway—so I went along with Speed.
We played a few games of sausage in the Piccadilly Rooms, and it was a dead bore, and then a chap named Cutts, a Dragoon whom I knew slightly, came by and offered us a match at billiards for a quid a hundred. I'd played with him before, and beat him, so we agreed, and set to.
I'm no pool-shark, but not a bad player, either, and unless there's a goodish sum riding, I don't much care whether I win or lose as a rule. But there are some smart-alecs at the table that I can't abide to be beat by, and Cutts was one of them. You know the sort—they roll their cues on the tables, and tell the bystanders that they play their best game off list cushions instead of rubber, and say 'Mmph?' if you miss a shot they couldn't have got themselves in a hundred years. What made it worse, my eye was out, and Cutts' luck was dead in—he brought off middle-pocket jennies that Joe Bennet wouldn't have looked at, missed easy hazards and had his ball roll all round the table for a cannon, and when he tried long pots as often as not he got a pair of breeches. By the time he had taken a fiver apiece from us, I was sick of it.
'What, had enough?' cries he, cock-a-hoop. 'Come on, Flash, where's your spirit? I'll play you any cramp game you like—shell-out, skittle pool, pyramids, caroline, doublet or go-back.5 What d'ye say? Come on, Speed, you're game, I see.'
