But of course I sat there jerking like a puppet, grinning foolishly—what else was there to do?
'I think we may congratulate ourselves,' the old idiot went on, 'and tomorrow I shall take you to the Palace to meet your new charge. I congratulate you, Captain, and'—he shook my hand with a noble smile—'I know you will be worthy of the trust imposed on you now, as you have been in the past. Good day to you, my dear sir. And now,' I heard him say to his secretary as I bowed myself out, 'there is this wretched war business. I suppose there is no word yet whether it has begun? Well, I do wish they would make up their minds.'
You have already guessed, no doubt, the shock that was in store for me at the Palace next day. Raglan took me along, we went through the rigmarole of flunkeys with brushes that I remembered from my previous visit with Wellington, and we were ushered into a study where Prince Albert was waiting for us. There was a reverend creature and a couple of the usual court clowns in morning dress looking austere in the background—and there, at Albert's right hand, stood my little greenhorn of the billiard hall. The sight hit me like a ball in the leg—for a moment I stood stock still while I gaped at the lad and he gaped at me, but then he recovered, and so did I, and as I made my deep bow at Raglan's side I found myself wondering: have they got that blacking off his arse yet?
I was aware that Albert was speaking, in that heavy, German voice; he was still the cold, well-washed exquisite I had first met twelve years ago, with those frightful whiskers that looked as though someone had tried to pluck them and left off half-way through. He was addressing me, and indicating a side-table on which a shapeless black object was lying.
''hat do you 'hink of the new hett for the Guards, Captain Flash-mann?' says he.
I knew it, of course; the funny papers had been full of it, and mocking H.R.H., who had invented it. He was always inflicting monstrosities of his own creation on the troops, which Horse Guards had to tell him tactfully were not quite what was needed. I looked at this latest device, a hideous forage cap with long flaps,7 and said I was sure it must prove admirably serviceable, and have a very smart appearance, too. Capital, first-rate, couldn't be better, God knows how someone hadn't thought of it before.
He nodded smugly, and then says: 'I un-erstend you were at Rugby School, Captain? Ah, but wait—a captain? That will hardly do, I think. A colonel, no?' And he looked at Raglan, who said the same notion had occurred to him. Well, thinks I, if that's how promotion goes, I'm all for it.
'At Rugby School,' repeated Albert. 'That is a great English school, Willy,' says he to the greenhorn, 'of the kind which turns younk boys like yourself into menn like Colonel Flash-mann here.' Well, true enough, I'd found it a fair mixture of jail and knocking-shop; I stood there trying to look like a chap who says his prayers in a cold bath every day.
'Colonel Flash-mann is a famous soldier in England, Willy; although he is quite younk, he has vun—won— laurelss for brafery in India. You see? Well, he will be your friend and teacher, Willy; you are to mind all that he says, and obey him punctually and willingly, ass a soldier should. O-bedience is the first rule of an army, Willy, you understand?'
The lad spoke for the first time, darting a nervous look at me. 'Yes, uncle Albert.'
'Ver-ry good, then. You may shake hands with Colonel Flash-mann.'
The lad came forward hesitantly, and held out his hand. 'How do you do?' says he, and you could tell he had only lately learned the phrase.
'You address Colonel Flash-mann, as 'sir', Willy,' says Albert. 'He is your superior officer.'
The kid blushed, and for the life of me I can't think how I had the nerve to say it, with a stiff-neck like Albert, but the favour I won with this boy was going to be important, after all—you can't have too many princely friends— and I thought a Flashy touch was in order. So I said:
'With your highness's permission, I think 'Harry' will do when we're off parade. Hullo, youngster.'
The boy looked startled, and then smiled, the court clowns started to look outraged, Albert looked puzzled, but then he smiled, too, and Raglan hum-hummed approvingly. Albert said:
'There, now, Willy, you have an English comrade. You see? Very goot. You will find there are none better. And now, you will go with—with 'Harry''—he gave a puffy smile, and the court clowns purred toadily,—'and he will instruct you in your duties.'
I've been about courts a good deal in my misspent career, and by and large I bar royalty pretty strong. They may be harmless enough folk in themselves, but they attract a desperate gang of placemen and hangers-on, and in my experience, the closer you get to the throne, the nearer you may finish up to the firing-line. Why, I've been a Prince Consort myself, and had half the cutthroats of Europe trying to assassinate me,*(* See Royal Flash) and in my humbler capacities—as chief of staff to a White Rajah, military adviser and chief stud to that black she-devil Ranavalona, and irregular emissary to the court of King Gezo of Dahomey, long may he rot—I've usually been lucky to come away with a well-scarred skin. And my occasional attachments to the Court of St James's have been no exception; nurse-maiding little Willy was really the most harrowing job of the lot.
Mind you, the lad was amiable enough in himself, and he took to me from the first.
'You are a brick,' he told me as soon as we were alone. 'Is that not the word? When I saw you today, I was sure you would tell them of the billiard place, and I would be disgraced. But you said nothing—that was to be a true friend.'
'Least said, soonest mended,' says I. 'But whatever did you run away for that night?—why, I'd have seen you home right enough. We couldn't think what had become of you.'
'I do not know myself,' says he. 'I know that some ruffians set upon me in a dark place, and … stole some of my clothes.' He blushed crimson, and burst out: 'I resisted them fiercely, but they were too many for me! And then the police came, and Dr Winter had to be sent for, and—oh! there was such a fuss! But you were right—he was too fearful of his own situation to inform on me to their highnesses. However, I think it is by his insistence that a special guardian has been appointed for me.' He gave me his shy, happy smile. 'What luck that it should be you!'
Lucky, is it, thinks I, we'll see about that. We'd be off to the war, if ever the damned thing got started—but when I thought about it, it stood to reason they wouldn't risk Little Willy's precious royal skin very far, and his bear- leader should be safe enough, too. All I said was:
'Well, I think Dr Winter's right; you need somebody and a half to look after you, for you ain't safe on your own hook. So look'ee here—I'm an easy chap, as anyone'll tell you, but I'll stand no shines, d'ye see? Do as I tell you, and we'll do famously, and have good fun, too. But no sliding off on your own again—or you'll find I'm no Dr Winter. Well?'
'Very well, sir—Harry,' says he, prompt enough, but for all his nursery look, I'll swear he had a glitter in his eye.
We started off on the right foot, with a very pleasant round of tailors and gunsmiths and bootmakers and the rest, for the child hadn't a stick or stitch for a soldier, and I aimed to see him—and myself—bang up to the nines. The luxury of being toadied through all the best shops, and referring the bills to Her Majesty, was one I wasn't accustomed to, and you may believe I made the most of it. At my tactful suggestion to Raglan, we were both gazetted in the 17th, who were lancers—no great style as a regiment, perhaps, but I knew it would make Cardigan gnash his elderly teeth when he heard of it, and I'd been a lancer myself in my Indian days. Also, to my eye it was the flashiest rigout in the whole light cavalry, all blue and gold—the darker the better, when you've got the figure for it, which of course I had.
Anyway, young Willy clapped his hands when he saw himself in full fig, and ordered another four like it—no one spends like visiting royalty, you know. Then he had to be horsed, and armed, and given lashings of civilian rig, and found servants, and camp gear—and I spent a whole day on that alone. If we were going campaigning, I meant to make certain we did it with every conceivable luxury—wine at a sovereign the dozen, cigars at ten guineas the pound, preserved foods of the best, tip-top linen, quality spirits by the gallon, and all the rest of the stuff that you need if you're going to fight a war properly. Last of all I insisted on a lead box of biscuits—and Willy cried out with laughter.
'They are ship's biscuits—what should we need those for?'
'Insurance, my lad,' says I. 'Take 'em along, and it's odds you'll never need them. Leave 'em behind, and as sure as shooting you'll finish up living off blood-stained snow and dead mules.' It's God's truth, too.
'It will be exciting!' cries he, gleefully. 'I long to be off!'
'Just let's hope you don't find yourself longing to be back,' says I, and nodded at the mountain of delicacies
