“How long did it take him to get there?”
Jenny was more exhausted than I was. Her fight ran out first. After a moment her eyes drifted away again, and she said, “I don’t know. It felt like ages.”
Out of the sleeping bag, down the scaffolding, over the wall, up the garden and turn the key in the back door: a minute, maybe two, tops. Conor must have been drowsing, wrapped snug and warm in his sleeping bag and in the certainty of the Spains’ lives sailing onwards below him, in their shining little boat. Maybe the fighting had woken him: Jenny’s muffled screams, Pat’s shouts, the faint bangs of overturning furniture. I wondered what he had seen when he leaned to the windowsill, yawning and rubbing his eyes; how long it had taken him to understand what was happening, and to realize that he was real enough to smash through the wall of glass that had held him away from his best friends for so long.
Jenny said, “He must have come in through the back door; I felt the wind on me when it opened. It smelled like the sea. He picked me up off the floor, my head, he pulled me into his lap. He was making this sound, like whining or moaning, like a dog that’s got hit by a car. At first I didn’t even recognize him-he’d got so thin and so white, and he looked so terrible; his face was all the wrong shapes, he didn’t even look like a human being. I thought he was something else-like an angel maybe, because I’d prayed so hard, or something awful that had come up out of the sea. Then he said, ‘Oh Jesus, oh Jenny, oh Jesus, what happened?’ And his voice was the same as always. The same as when we were kids.”
She made a vague motion towards her stomach. “He was pulling at me, here, at my pajamas-I guess he was trying to see… There was blood all over him but I couldn’t understand why, when I didn’t hurt anywhere. I went, ‘Conor, help me, you have to help me.’ At first he didn’t understand, he went, ‘It’s OK, it’s OK, I’ll get an ambulance,’ and he was trying to go for the phone, but I screamed. I grabbed hold of him and I screamed, ‘No!’ till he stopped.”
And the fingernail that had split as Emma fought for her life, that had snagged for an instant on the pink wool of her embroidered cushion, tore away in the thick weave of Conor’s jumper. Neither he nor Jenny had noticed-how could they? And later, at home, when Conor wrenched off his bloody clothes and threw them on the floor, he would never have seen that fragment falling away into the carpet. He had been blinded, seared, just praying that someday he would be able to see something other than that kitchen.
“I went, ‘You don’t understand. No ambulance. I don’t want an ambulance.’ He was going, ‘You’re going to be fine, they’ll get you fixed up in no time-’ He was holding me so tight-he had my face pressed into his jumper. It felt like it took me forever to get away enough that I could talk to him.”
Jenny was still watching nothing, but her lips were parted, loose as a child’s, and her face was almost tranquil. For her, the bad part was over; this had looked like a happy ending. “I wasn’t frightened any more. I knew exactly what needed doing, like it was all written out in front of me. The drawing was there on the floor, Emma’s awful drawing, and I said, ‘That thing there, take it away. Put it in your pocket and burn it when you get home.’ Conor jammed it into his pocket-I don’t think he even saw it, he just did what I said. If anyone had found it they could have guessed, like you guessed, and I couldn’t let anyone find out, could I? They’d think Pat was crazy. He didn’t deserve that.”
“No,” I said. “He didn’t.” But when Conor had found the drawing, later, at home, he hadn’t been able to burn it. This last message from his godchild: he had saved it, one final souvenir.
“Then,” Jenny said, “then I told him what I needed him to do. I said, ‘Here, here’s the knife, do it, Conor, please, you have to.’ And I shoved the knife into his hand.
“His eyes. He looked at the knife and then he looked down at me like he was afraid of me, like I was the most terrifying thing he had ever seen. He went, ‘You’re not thinking straight,’ but I was like, ‘Yes, I am. I am’-I was trying to scream at him again, but it came out just a whisper. I went, ‘Pat’s dead, I stabbed him and now he’s dead-’
“Conor went, ‘
Jenny made a painful scraping sound that could have been some kind of laugh. “If we’d had a month or two, then maybe… I just went, ‘No ambulance. Please.’ Conor went, ‘Wait. Hang on. Hang on,’ and he laid me down and crawled over to Pat. He turned Pat’s head and he did something, I don’t know what, tried to open his eyes or something-he didn’t say anything but I saw his face, I saw the look on his face, so I knew. I was glad about that, at least.”
I wondered how many times Conor had re-run those few minutes in his head, staring at the ceiling of his cell, changing a different tiny thing each time:
Jenny said, “But then Conor-he started trying to stand up. He was trying to pull himself up on the computer desk-he kept falling back, like he was slipping on the blood or maybe he was dizzy, but I could tell he was aiming for the kitchen door. He was trying to go upstairs. I got hold of him, the leg of his trousers, and I went, ‘No. Don’t go up there. They’re dead too. I had to get them out.’ Conor-he just went down on his hands and knees. He said-he had his head down, but I heard him anyway-he said, ‘Ah, Jesus Christ.’”
Up until then he must have thought it was a domestic fight turned terrible, love transformed under all those tons of pressure into something diamond-hard that sliced flesh and bone. Maybe he had even thought it was self- defense, that Pat’s mind had boiled over at last and he had gone for Jenny. Once she told him about the children, there had been no place left for answers, for comfort, for ambulances or doctors or tomorrows.
“I went, ‘I need to be with the babies. I need to be with Pat. Please, Conor, please, get me out of here.’
“Conor made this coughing noise, like he was going to get sick. He said, ‘I can’t.’ He sounded like he was hoping this was all some kind of nightmare, like he was trying to find some way to wake up and make it all go away. I managed to get over closer to him-I had to drag myself, my legs had gone all numb and shaky. I got hold of his wrist and I went, ‘Conor, you have to. I can’t stay here. Please hurry. Please.’”
Jenny’s voice was fading, barely more than a hoarse flicker of sound; she was at the end of her strength. “He sat down beside me, and he turned my head so my face was against his chest again. He said, ‘It’s OK. It’s OK. Close your eyes.’ He was stroking my hair. I said, ‘Thank you,’ and I shut my eyes.”
Jenny spread her hands, palms up, on the blanket. She said simply, “That’s all.”
Conor had believed it was the last thing he would ever do for Jenny. And before he left, he had done two last things for Pat: wiped the computer, and taken the weapons. No wonder the delete job had been fast and messy; every second Conor stayed in that house had been shredding his mind. But he had known that if we read the flood of madness on that computer, and if there was no evidence that anyone else had been in the house, we would never look beyond Pat.
He must have known, too, that if he shoved it all onto Pat he would walk away safe, or at least safer. But Conor had believed the same thing I believed: you can’t do that. He had missed his chance to save the life that Pat should have had. Instead, he had put himself on the line to save those twenty-nine years from being branded with a lie.
When we came to get him, he had trusted in silence, in his gloves, in the hope that we couldn’t prove anything. Then I had told him that Jenny was alive; and he had done one more thing for her, before I could force the truth out of her. Probably a part of him had welcomed the chance.
Jenny said, “See? Conor only did what I wanted him to do.”
Her hand was struggling across the blanket again, reaching for me, and there was a flare of urgency in her voice. I said, “He assaulted you. By both of your accounts, he was trying to kill you. That’s a crime. Consent isn’t a defense to attempted murder.”
“I
I said, “That depends. If you testify to all of this in court, then yes, there’s an excellent chance Conor will walk away. Juries are only human; sometimes they bend the rules and go with their own consciences instead. Even if you give me an official statement, I can probably do something with that. But as it stands, all we’ve got to go on is the evidence and Conor’s confession. Those make him a triple murderer.”
“But he didn’t
“You told me your version. Conor told me his. The evidence doesn’t rule out either one, and Conor’s the one who’s willing to go on the record. That means his version carries a lot more weight than yours.”
“But you believe me. Right? If you believe me-”
