“You remember what Tom said, yeah? You can get ones that do less damage, don’t hurt the animal as much, but Pat didn’t go for one of those. Tom said they cost a couple of quid extra; I figured it was that. Now…” Richie sucked on his teeth and shook his head. “I’m thinking I was wrong, man. It wasn’t the money. Pat wanted to do damage.”
I scrolled down. Someone else wasn’t convinced: Foothold is a dumb idea for indoors. Think it through OK. What are you gonna do with your catch?? Fine you want to look at it or whatever but then what?? You can’t just pick it up and take it outside or it’s gonna take your hand off. Out in the woods you just shoot it but I don’t recommend that in your attic. Doesn’t matter how great your old lady is… women don’t like bullet holes in their pretty ceilings.
That didn’t faze Pat. Have to be honest you’re right, hadn’t even thought about what I’m gonna do with it once I’ve caught it! Just been focusing on how it’ll feel when I go up there and see it in the trap-I swear I can’t remember the last time I was looking forward to something this much, its like being a little kid waiting for Santa!! Not sure what I’ll do after that. If I decide to kill it I could just hit it on the head with something hard I guess?
“‘Hit it on the head with something hard,’” Richie said. “Like someone did to Jenny.”
I kept reading. Otherwise if I decide to let it go, I could leave it in the trap till it gets too worn out to attack me, then wrap a blanket or something around it + take it out into the hills + release it there right? How long would it take for it to wear itself out enough to be harmless? Like a few hours or like a few days? My spine twitched. I felt Richie’s eyes on me-Pat, the pillar of society, daydreaming about something dying a three-day death above his family’s heads. I didn’t look up.
The guy who had doubts about the foothold trap still wasn’t convinced: No way to tell. Way too many varaibles. Depends what the catch is, when it last ate/drank, how much damage the trap does, whether it tries to chew off its paw to escape. And even if it looks safe it could come round one last time when you try to release it and take a chunk out of you. Seriously bro… I’ve been doing this a long time and I’m telling you this is a shit idea. Get something else. Not a foothold.
It was a couple of days before Pat came back to answer that. Too late, already ordered it! Went for something a little bigger than you guys recommended, I figure what the hell, better safe than sorry am I right? Little faces, laughing and rolling. I’ll just have to wait till I catch the animal + figure out what to do with it then. Probably just watch it for a while + see if inspiration strikes.
This time Richie didn’t look up. The same skeptic pointed out that this wasn’t meant to be a spectator sport: Look a trap isn’t for torturing. Any decent trapper picks up his catch as soon as he can. Sorry bro but this is fucked up. Whatever’s in your walls, you got way bigger problems.
Pat didn’t care. Yeah no shit, but this is the one I’m working on now OK? Who knows, maybe when I see the animal in there I’ll feel sorry for it. Seriously doubt it though. My son is three, he’s heard it a few times, he’s a gutsy little fella doesn’t scare easy but he was terrified. Today he said to me You can go kill it with a gun Daddy, right? What was I supposed to say to him, No, sorry son, I can’t even get a look at the little fucker? I said Yeah course I will. So yeah I’m kind of having a hard time picturing me getting up much pity for whatever this is. I never deliberately hurt anything in my life (well, my little brother when we were kids, but hey who hasn’t) but this is different. If you don’t get that then tough.
The trap took a while to arrive, and the wait got to Pat. On the twenty-fifth of August he was back: OK I kind of have a problem (well, more of a problem). This thing has got out of the attic. Its going down inside the walls. Started hearing it in the sitting room, always in one specific spot by the sofa, so I made a hole in the wall right there + set up a monitor. Nothing, just the thing moved to the hallway wall-when I set up another monitor there it moved to the kitchen-etc etc etc. I swear its like its deliberately messing with my head for a laugh-I know it cant be but thats how it feels. Either way its definitely getting braver. In some ways I kind of think thats good, cos if it comes out of the walls into the open I’m more likely to get a look at it, but should I be worried that its going to attack us??
The guy who had suggested the trap website was impressed. Jesus! Holes in the walls? Your old lady is out of this world. If I told my girl I wanted to bust up the walls, my sh!t would be out on the street.
Pat was pleased-a row of grinning green faces. Yeah man, she’s a total gem all right. One in a million. Shes not too pleased, specially since she STILL hasn’t heard any of the really serious noises, just the odd bit of scraping that could be a mouse or a magpie or anything. But she’s like OK, if thats what you need to do then go for it. Now you see why I HAVE to catch this thing yeah? She deserves it. Actually she deserves a mink coat not a half dead mink/whatever, but if thats the best I can get her then shes bloody well getting it!
“Look at the times,” Richie said quietly. His fingertip hovered by the screen, moved down the time stamps beside the posts. “Pat’s up awful late, isn’t he?” The board was set to American West Coast time. I did the maths: Pat was posting at four in the morning.
The skeptic wanted to know, What’s all this shit with baby monitors? Believe me I’m not some expert on those but they don’t record right? So the animal could like dance a polka in your attic but if you’ve gone to take a leak and your not actually there to see it then tough shit. Why don’t you get video cameras and get some actual footage??
Pat didn’t like that. Because I don;t WANT “actual footage.” OK? I want to actually catch the actual animal actually in my actual house. I want to actually show it to my actual wife. Anyone can get footage of some animal, YouTube is full of it. I need THE ANIMAL. Anyway I didnt ask you for advice on my technology OK? Just on what to do about this thing being in the walls. If you dont feel like helping me out thwn fine that’s your perogative, I’m sure there are plenty of other threads that could use your genius.
The trap guy tried to soothe him down. Hey man, don’t worry about it getting into the walls. Just fix up the holes and forget the whole thing till you get your trap. Till then anything you can do is just pissing into the wind. Just chill and wait.
Pat didn’t sound convinced. Yeah maybe. I’ll keep you updated. Thanks.
Richie said, “He didn’t fix up the holes, though, did he? If he’d had chicken wire or something over them, we’d have seen the marks. He left them open.” He left the rest unsaid: somewhere along the way, Pat’s priorities had shifted.
I said, “Maybe he moved furniture in front of them.” Richie didn’t answer.
On the last of August, Pat’s trap finally arrived. Got it today!!!! Its a beauty. I actually went for one of the old-style ones with the teeth-hey, what’s the point of getting a trap if you can’t get the kind you saw in movies when you were a kid? I want to just sit here stroking it like some James Bond baddy-more laughing faces-but I better get it set up before my wife gets home. She’s a bit dodgy about the idea already + it looks pretty lethal which I think is a good thing but she might not feel the same way! Any advice?
A couple of people told him not to get caught with that thing: apparently they were illegal in most of the civilized world. I wondered how it had made it through Customs. Probably the seller had marked it “antique ornament” and kept his fingers crossed.
Pat didn’t seem worried. Yeah well, I’ll take my chances-its still my house (up until the bank comes and takes it back) and Im protecting it, I can put out any trap I want. I’ll let you know how it goes down. Can’t WAIT for this. I was so tired that my senses were getting their wires crossed. The words leapt off the screen like a voice in my ears, young, intent, overexcited. I caught myself leaning closer, listening.
He came back a week later, but this time he was sounding a lot more subdued. OK tried raw mince for bait, no dice. Even tried raw steak cos its bloodier so I thought maybe that might help but no. Left it there for three days so it would smell good + rank, nothing. Kind of starting to get worried-not sure what the hell Im going to do if this doesnt pan out. Going to try live bait next. Seriously guys please keep your fingers crossed that it works OK?
OK heres the other weird thing. This morn when I went up to take the steak away (before it could get rank enough that my wife smelled it, that wouldn’t go down well) there was this little pile of stuff in a corner of the attic. Six pebbles, smooth ones like they came off the beach, and three seashells, old white dried out ones. I’m 110% sure they were never there before. What the fuck?!
Nobody on the board seemed to care. Their general opinion was that Pat was putting way too much time and thought into this and who cared how a few rocks had got into his attic? The skeptic wanted to know why the whole
