Carol looked thoughtful. 'I think you were right,' she said. 'You couldn't go on the way you were going. You were burning yourself out.'
'So you think I did the right thing?'
'I envy you your six months off. I think it's very brave.'
Another shock. Six months. And I noticed her use of the word 'brave': 'brave' as a euphemism for 'dumb'.
'But you're looking forward to me coming back?' I said jokingly. She looked wary again and that really did alarm me. What the fuck had I been up to?
'Obviously things got a bit frazzled at the end,' she said. 'And people said things they shouldn't have.'
'I always had a big mouth,' I said, when what I really wanted to say was, 'What is all this about?'
'I think you were mainly right,' Carol said. 'It's always a matter of tone, isn't it? And timing. I think it's good you've come in to talk things over.' We were at the door of Laurence's office now. 'By the way,' she said, too casually, 'that stuff with the police. What was it about?'
'It's complicated,' I said. 'Wrong place at the wrong time.'
'Were you .. . you know .. . ?'
Oh, so that was it. The gossip was that I might have been raped. Or not really raped.
'No, nothing like that.'
So I found myself being told by Laurence Joiner what I needed. It was all very awkward. On the spur of the moment I decided not to launch into a detailed account of my recent medical and psychiatric history. It was obvious that my last days at Jay and Joiner's hadn't been brilliant, and if there was going to be any prospect of my coming back, I ought to try not to make things worse.
'Good idea,' I said. 'In fact, I'm trying to get as much rest as I possibly can.'
'I don't need to tell you, Abbie, how important you are to us.'
'You do,' I said. 'It's always good to hear that.'
Laurence Joiner had forty-two suits. There had once been a party at his house and one of the girls in the office had wandered into his bedroom and counted them. They had taken up three cupboards. And that had been a year earlier so there were probably more by now. And they were beautiful. As he talked, he stroked the knee of the lovely dark green one he was wearing today, as if it were a pet lying in his lap.
'We've all been worried about you,' he said.
'I've been a bit worried about myself.'
'First, we have .. . well, I needn't go over it again.'
Oh, please, go over it again, I said silently. If the apple wouldn't fall, I'd have to give the tree a little shake.
'One of the things I wanted to make sure,' I said desperately, 'was that everything was still all right from your point of view.'
'We're all on the same side,' Laurence said.
It was all so polite.
'Yes, but I want to know, explicitly, how you saw it. I mean my taking time off. I want to hear your view of it.' '
Laurence frowned. 'I'm not sure if it's healthy to rake over it again. I'm not angry any more, I promise. It's clear to me now that you had been overworking for some time. It's my fault. You were so productive, and so effective, I just overloaded you. I think if we hadn't had the row over the Avalanche job we would have had it over something else.'
'Is that all?'
'If you mean, have I forgiven you for badmouthing the company to clients after you had taken time off, for going round London encouraging them to complain, the answer is yes. Just about. Now look, Abbie, I don't want to sound like someone out of The Godfather but I really don't think you ought to take sides with clients against the company. If you feel they've been badly advised or overcharged, you take it up with me, rather than informing them behind my back and in your own time. But I think we're all agreed on that.'
'When, um -just for my own records, I mean when did I make these complaints?' I didn't need to ask what the complaints had been: I had a clear enough memory of the Avalanche project to know that.
'You're not going to start raking over everything again, are you, just when we've smoothed it all out?'
'No, no. But I'm a bit unclear about chronology, that's all. My diary's here and ...' I stopped because I couldn't think how to finish the sentence.
'Shall we just draw a veil over the sorry affair?' said Laurence.
'I left on Friday, didn't I? Friday the eleventh.'
'Right.'
'And I complained to people, um .. .' I waited for him to fill in the gap.
'After the weekend. I don't know the dates myself. I just heard gradually, on two occasions by solicitors' letters. You can imagine how let down I felt.'
'Quite,' I said. 'Could I have a look through the Avalanche file?'
'What on earth for? That's all behind us. Let sleeping dogs lie.'
'Laurence, I absolutely promise I'm not going to make any trouble for you. But I want to talk to a couple of the people involved with it.'
'You must have the numbers.'
'I'm in a bit of chaos, I'm afraid. I've moved.'
'Do you mean moved out?'
'Yes.'
'I'm sorry to hear that. You can get any information you need from Carol.' Now he looked even more concerned. 'I don't want to butt in. But as I said, we've been worried. I mean, your problems here, you've split up with Terry, and then there were the police coming round. Can we do anything? Would you like us to arrange for you to go somewhere?'
I was puzzled for a moment then couldn't help laughing.
'You think it's drink or drugs?' I said. 'I wish.' I leant over and kissed Laurence's forehead. 'Thank you. Laurence, I've got one or two things to sort out and I'll be in touch.'
I opened the door of his office.
'Listen,' he said, 'if there's anything at all we can do .. .'
I shook my head. 'Just listening to you has made me think of how much you've already done. I hope I haven't been too much of a handful.' A thought came to me. 'I'd say that I was a different person then, but that might sound as if I wasn't taking proper responsibility.'
Laurence looked deeply puzzled, and no wonder.
On the way out I asked Carol for the Avalanche file.
'Are you serious?' she said.
'Why shouldn't I be?'
She looked doubtful. 'I'm not sure,' she said.
'The job's done with.'
'Yes, but-'
'It'll just be a few days,' I said. 'I'll be very careful.'
She started to yield. Maybe the idea that I would go away if she gave it to me was just too tempting.
'Do you want the drawings as well?'
'Just the correspondence will be fine.'
She fetched a bulky file and gave me a Marks & Spencer plastic carrier bag to put it in.
'One more thing,' I said. 'Has anybody called me here in the last couple of days?'
Carol rummaged around on her desk and gave me two sheets of paper covered with names and numbers. 'Only fifty or sixty people. Mostly the usual suspects. Do you want to give me a number I can give them?'
'No. This is important. Don't give anyone my numbers. Nobody.'
'Fine,' she said, looking rather startled by my urgent tone.
'I'll just take these numbers with me, I think. You don't need them, do you?' I folded up the sheets of paper and put them into my back pocket. 'I'll call you every so often. And one last thing.'
