The Memory Game

‘No, thanks. If I have too much it makes me all trembly.’

He ran his finger round the rim of his coffee mug in a slightly fidgety way. ‘Jane, you haven’t answered my question.’

‘Yes, I have. I said I didn’t want any more.’

Alex laughed. ‘No, I mean, why do you feel you need therapy?’

‘Isn’t it obvious?’

‘Not to me. Look, you’re having to deal with life on your own after – what is it? – twenty-one years of marriage. Have you ever lived on your own?’

I shook my head.

‘Welcome to the world of being single,’ Alex said in an ironic tone. ‘You know, I sometimes have a fantasy of what it would be like if I wasn’t married and didn’t have any children. I could suddenly decide in the evening to go out and see a movie or have a drink in a bar. Perhaps, occasionally, I meet a woman at a party and I think, if I were single, I could have an affair with her and it would be so exciting. But if I suddenly found myself single, it wouldn’t be like that at all. Maybe I’d have an initial bit of euphoria. I might even have one or two sexual experiences. But I doubt whether it would be as much fun as I had anticipated. And then all the things I was used to, the reassurance of seeing people I know when I go home, all that would be gone. It would be hard.’

‘I thought I was supposed to do all the talking.’

Alex laughed again. ‘Who says? You’ve probably been reading too much Freud. I wouldn’t pay too much attention to a man who psychoanalysed both himself and his own daughter if I were you. Anyway, not only do you have all that to deal with but you have a perfectly clear family tragedy as well. You have a perfect right to be unhappy for a while. Do you want me to wave a wand and take it away from you?’

‘That sounds tempting.’

‘Let me give you a very glib diagnosis, Jane, and it’s on the house. I think you’re a strong woman and you don’t like to feel you can’t cope, you don’t want people to feel sorry for you. That’s the problem. My comment is : life is painful. Allow yourself to give way to that. You could talk to me, of course, but you could also spend your money in other ways. You could have a weekly massage, have some nice meals in restaurants, go on holiday somewhere hot.’

It was my turn to laugh. ‘Now that really is tempting.’

We were both smiling and there was a rather embarrassing pause. It was the sort of pause that in other circumstances I might have thought of dispelling by kissing Alex.

‘Alex, I hate saying “but seriously?”… But seriously, I had this talk last night with my brother, who, incidentally, has got this deranged idea of making a film about the family, so you’ll soon probably be able to learn all about my problems by watching BBC₂, and Paul – that’s my brother’s name – was talking about our golden childhood. I’ve always had this image of our golden childhood as well but as he was talking in this nostalgic way there was something inside me that was saying no, no, no. Over the last few days I’ve been preoccupied with an image. It must be all to do with Natalie being found. But I’ve been thinking about my golden, golden childhood and a black hole in the middle of it, and I can’t get a grip on it and I don’t know what it is. Somehow it’s there, always on the edge of vision but when I turn to look at it directly it’s gone, gone to the edge again. I’m sorry, I’m probably not making sense. It hardly makes sense even to me. If you can imagine it, I’m listening to myself talking as a way of trying to understand. Perhaps what I’m asking is for you to trust me when I feel that there is something worth looking for behind all this.’

As I made this long, incoherent speech, I looked down at the table and when I finished looked up, almost scared of catching Alex’s eyes. He was frowning, with a look of alert concentration that I hadn’t seen before.

‘You may be right,’ he said, almost muttering it.

He took my mug and his and put them in the sink. Instead of returning to his chair he began to pace up and down. I didn’t know whether I should say anything but decided not. Finally, he sat down again.

‘You’ve probably got false ideas about the process of therapy. You may have seen films in which someone’s psychological problem is dramatically solved. You may have friends who are addicted to analysis and they talk to you about the wonderful insight it’s given them into their problems and how much happier it’s made them. It may have done, but if you’ve spent three hours a week for five years and twenty grand, then you’ve got a vested interest in its success.’

‘Well, why…?’

Alex held up his hand to silence me. ‘You do interest me, Jane. I think we could do something. However, I think we’ve both got to be clear about a few things first. This process isn’t going to be like going to the doctor with an infection or a broken leg. You might ask me if I’m going to make you better and we might then have a boring philosophical discussion about whether I am going to do anything for you at all and what we mean by making you better.’

‘I’m not looking for some easy answer.’

‘I don’t think you are. So let me be as clear as I possibly can about what may or may not happen. Let me give you a couple of warnings. You may feel, like many people do, that there could be nothing more pleasant than spending two or three hours a week having a good natter about your problems, getting them all off your chest. In my own experience this is hardly ever true. The process may be unpleasant in itself. How can I describe it?’ Alex looked around the kitchen and grinned. ‘The mess in this kitchen probably appals you. It certainly depresses me and infuriates my wife. So why don’t we just clear it up? Well, although it looks dreadful we’re actually used to it and we can find most things we need quite quickly. If I started to clear up, it would involve making everything even more chaotic for a while as I would have to empty all the cupboards as well. There would be a time when everything was worse, with the added fear that we might lose our nerve and leave it in that disastrous state. It would keep on seeming worse until just before the clean-up was completed. Even then, it wouldn’t feel quite as comfortable as it did before. And although theoretically the new arrangement might be more functional, because it has been rationally arranged, in practice we would probably be unable to find things more often because we would still be used to the old irrationality. So, you see, I’m an advertisement for leaving well alone.

‘You may not even achieve anything. I make no claim at all that after, I don’t know, six months or a year, you will be happier or better able to deal with the practical problems in your life. You’ll still be living in a world where people die and have irreconcilable conflicts. But I can guarantee at least something. Your life at the moment may seem like a collection of rough notes and impressions. Perhaps I can enable you to turn them into a narrative that will make sense to you. ‘That may help you to take responsibility for your life, even, perhaps, to gain an increased control over it.

‘That’s something at any rate, and it’s the least we can hope for. There are other possibilities as well. Let me give you one speculative example. I’m intrigued by the way you talk about your sister-in-law having been buried there, at the heart of the landscape of your childhood. That’s a telling image. Some of us may have bodies in our minds, hidden, waiting to be discovered.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Don’t worry about it, it’s just a thought, an image.’

‘What about the practicalities? What do we actually do?’

‘Good. Now it gets straightforward. I want to see you twice a week for an hour which actually lasts fifty minutes. My fee is thirty-eight pounds a session, payable in advance at the beginning of each week. As I have said, it would be entirely understandable for you not to go into therapy at all. I can assure you almost a hundred per cent that without any therapy or treatment at all, you will be feeling substantially better in a year or so. The pain of your sister-in-law’s reappearance will have receded and you will be used to your new life. If you do decide to go ahead, and I hope you do, then you have to make a commitment. By that I mean that the sessions are sacred, not to be missed because of work, illness, sexual opportunity, disenchantment, tiredness or anything. If you break your leg, come here on your way to A and E. Naturally, you are perfectly free to stop the therapy at any time, but I think you ought to make a private commitment to stick it out for something like four or five months at the very least. And also a mental promise that you’ll give it a chance. I mean emotionally and intellectually. I know you’re smart and that you’ve probably read Freud more recently than I have. If you come in here and start wanting to discuss transference, which I don’t believe in anyway, then we’ll both be wasting our time and you’ll be wasting your money. There. Have I said everything?’

‘Will it be like this?’ I asked. ‘Sitting in your kitchen, drinking coffee and chatting?’

‘No. As you say, this is just a chat and we’re deciding on the rules. When we begin we’ve got to, as it were,