‘When are you going up for the funeral?’
‘What? Oh, I don’t know, Saturday, I suppose. What about you?’
‘I’m going tomorrow. Look, if I have the opportunity, I’ll try to get in there. If I can’t manage it, you’ll have to do it. I’ll do anything I can. Anything.’
Claud stood up, and looked down at me. I looked back, unsmiling; our gazes locked, and I couldn’t look away. Then his face crumpled, and he sat heavily on the sofa beside me. This time it was me who picked up his hand. His ring was still on his fourth finger, and I turned it slowly. Tears were running in a smooth sheet down his face; carefully I wiped them away, cupped his face in my hands.
‘I’m sorry, Claud.’
He groaned and moved towards me and I didn’t stop him. How could I? He nuzzled into my neck and I let him. He slipped down and put his streaming face on my lap.
‘Jane, Jane, please don’t leave me. I can’t, I can’t, without you. Nothing’s the same without you. I can’t go through this on my own. You’ve always been with me. You’ve always helped me. Always. When I’ve most needed you, you’ve been there. You’ve saved me. Don’t go now. Not now.’
‘Ssssh.’ I stroked his hair, and felt his breath hot against my thigh. This felt like incest. ‘Ssssh. There, Claud, don’t cry. I can’t bear it if you cry.’ He lay there like a heavy child, and I raised him up and cradled him against my breast.
Twenty-Nine
I was back where I’d started, in Alex Dermot-Brown’s kitchen drinking coffee out of a thick mug. Alex was on the phone to someone, making non-committal noises, uming and ah-ing, obviously trying to get the caller off the line. Every so often, he looked across at me and smiled encouragingly. I gazed around the room. It was the kind of kitchen I felt at home in: cluttered, recipes tacked to notice-boards, bills in a pile on the table, newspapers scattered, photographs propped up against candle-sticks, breakfast dishes stacked in the sink, garlic cloves in a bowl and flowers in a vase. I noticed a photograph on the window ledge of a woman with dark hair and a self- conscious smile: his wife, I supposed. I wondered how important Alex’s kitchen had been to the whole process of my therapy. Would I have trusted myself to a man whose kitchen was neat and cold?
He put the phone down, and sat down across the table from me.
‘More coffee?’
‘Please.’
It felt odd to be on an equal level to him, meeting his direct gaze.
‘You’re looking a bit better.’
This morning I had put on a low-waisted woollen dress and a funny little hat, and I’d applied lipstick and mascara.
‘I’m feeling a bit better. I think.’
I’d wept so many tears I felt drained of them.
Alex leant across the table. ‘Jane,’ he said in his low, pleasant voice, ‘you have shown enormous courage, and I’m very proud of you. I know it’s been hard.’
‘Why don’t I feel any better?’ I burst out. ‘You said it was like bursting an abscess. So why do I feel so terrible? Not just about all of them, but about me. I feel terrible about
Alex passed me a tissue.
‘Bursting an abscess is painful and brings problems of its own. At a very vulnerable stage in your life, just when you were crossing over from childhood to adulthood, you witnessed something so atrocious that your mind censored it. You can’t expect everything to be all right immediately. Knowledge is painful; to take control over your own life is hard; and healing takes time. But you have to realise, Jane, that you can’t go back to your previous state. You’ll never forget again.’
I shivered.
‘What shall I do?’
‘You agree that you can’t run away from this new knowledge?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you think you could live with it and do nothing?’
‘No, I suppose not.’
‘You do realise, of course, that if you did decide to do nothing, just to live with this terrible memory, that you’d still be exercising your power, making a choice.’
‘Yes, I know that.’
‘Who matters to you?’
The question took me aback.
‘What?’
‘I said, “Who matters to you?’“
‘Robert and Jerome.’ Their names came out of my mouth so quickly I realised that my sons, the horror they would experience from all of this, had been near the front of my mind all the time, suppressed. ‘Dad. Kim. And Hana now.’
‘Who else?’
‘Well, Claud in a way. Still.’
‘Who else?’
‘After that, lots of people. But not so much.’
‘Alan?’
‘No, of course not,’ I said almost in weariness. I could hardly bear the mention of his name now.
‘No one else in particular?’
‘Not especially.’
‘Nobody?’
‘Alex, what is this?’
‘What about you?’
‘Me?’
I didn’t understand.
‘Don’t you matter to yourself, Jane?’
‘Yeah, right, I know what you mean but…’
‘Don’t you think, Jane, that you owe it to yourself to acknowledge this openly. You’re thinking of your sons, your father, your ex-husband. You are so busy thinking of the world beyond you that you haven’t thought of the most important thing of all.’
‘But I have to think of everyone else. I’m wrecking their world.’
Alex leant further forward, stared at me intently. ‘I have dealt with cases similar to yours before,’ he said. ‘In all of them, women have had to be brave and determined. They have not just had to deal with their own considerable pain but with the simple disbelief of the people they know, of the authorities. You don’t just owe it to yourself to go through with this, you owe it to them, Jane, all those women who know the pain of repressing their memories, and all those who have found the courage to speak out. Don’t cry.’
His voice became gentle again. He handed me another tissue and I blew noisily into it.
‘I don’t suppose you’d let me have a cigarette?’
He smiled. ‘We could go into the garden.’
Outside it was damp and cold. Mud seeped up through the balding lawn. Snowdrops wilted in pots by the door. I put a cigarette in my mouth and struck a match; it flared and blew out. I struck again, shielding the flame with my hand. Inhaled gratefully.
