He was a fool. He’d known she would leave, but he’d let himself start to think that he was enough to make her stay. She’d said she loved him. So had a lot of women at that particular moment, when he’d been buried inside giving them both pleasure. It didn’t always mean anything, and he wasn’t the kind of guy to wait around and watch for signs from the buckbrush to see if it did.
The doorbell rang and he expected to see Delaney. He found Gail instead.
“Merry Christmas,” she said and held a brightly colored box toward him. He let her in because he needed a distraction.
“I didn’t get you anything.” He hung her coat by the door, then led her into the kitchen.
“That’s okay. It’s just cookies, nothing big. Josh and I had some extra.” Nick set the box on the counter and looked her over. She wore a tight red dress and red stiletto heels. He’d bet she had on her red garter and nothing else. She’d come over to deliver more than gingersnaps, but he wasn’t even mildly interested.
“Where is your son?”
“His daddy has him tonight. All night. I thought you and I could spend some quality time together in your hot tub.”
The doorbell rang for a second time in five minutes, and this time it was Delaney. She stood on his porch, a foil red present in her hands and a smile on her lips. Her smile died when Gail walked up behind him and hung her wrist over his shoulder. He could have removed it. He didn’t.
“Come on in,” he said. “Gail and I were just about to jump in the hot tub.”
“I-” Her stunned gaze moved between them. “I didn’t bring my swimsuit.”
“Neither did Gail.” He knew what she thought and he let her think it. “You won’t need one, either.”
“What’s going on, Nick?”
He wrapped an arm around Gail’s waist and pulled her up against his side. He took a drink from the bottle and looked at the woman he loved so much it was like a writhing ache in his chest. “You’re a big girl. Figure it out.”
“Why are you behaving this way? Are you angry about what happened earlier? I told you I’ll make sure my mother doesn’t say anything.”
“I don’t give a rat’s ass about any of that.” Even if he’d wanted to stop himself from hurting her, he couldn’t. He felt like a powerless kid again, watching her and wanting her so much it drove him crazy. “Why don’t you join us in the hot tub?”
She shook her head. “Three’s a crowd, Nick.”
“No, three’s one hell of a good time.” He knew he’d never forget the pain in her eyes, and he turned his gaze to Gail. “What do you say? Are you up for a threesome?”
“A-”
He looked back at Delaney and raised a brow. “Well?”
She lifted her free hand and grabbed her wool coat above her heart. She took a step backward and her mouth moved but no words came out. He watched her turn, the shiny red package forgotten in her hand, and run down the sidewalk to her car. Better to let her go before he begged her to stay. Better to end it now. Nick Allegrezza didn’t beg anyone to love him. He never had and he never would.
He made himself stand there, and he made himself watch her drive out of his life. He made himself feel his insides rip apart, then he handed Gail her coat. “I’m not good company,” he said, and for once she had the sense not to try and change his mind.
Alone, he walked into the kitchen and popped the cap off another beer. By midnight he’d graduated to Jim Beam. Nick wasn’t necessarily a mean drunk, but he was in a mean mood. He drank to forget, but the more he drank the more he remembered. He remembered the scent of her skin, the soft texture of her hair and the taste of her mouth. He fell asleep on the sofa with the sound of her laughter in his ears and his name on her lips. When he woke at eight, his head pounded, and knew he needed a little something for breakfast. He grabbed a bottle of Bufferin and added a little orange juice to his vodka. He was on his third drink and seventh aspirin when his brother walked into his house.
Nick lay sprawled on the leather couch, channel surfing with the remote to the big screen television in one hand. He didn’t bother to look up.
“You look like shit.”
Nick switched the channel and drained his glass. “Feel like shit, too, so why don’t you leave.”
Louie crossed to the television and shut it off. “We expected to see you last night for Christmas dinner.”
Nick set his empty glass and the remote on an end table. He finally looked at Louie standing there across the room, surrounded by a hazy glow, kind of like the picture of Jesus his mother had hanging on the wall in her dining room. “Didn’t make it.”
“Obviously. What’s going on?”
“None of your business.” His head pounded and he wanted to be left alone. Maybe if he stayed drunk for a couple of months, the alcohol would kill that persistent voice in his head that had started nagging him sometime around midnight, calling him an idiot and telling him he’d made the biggest mistake of his life.
“Lisa talked to Delaney this morning. I guess she’s pretty upset about something. Would you happen to know anything about that?”
“Yep.”
“Well-what did you do?”
Nick stood and the room spun twice before stopping. “Mind your own business.” He moved to walk past Louie, but his brother reached out and grabbed a fistful of his shirt. He looked down at Louie’s fingers tangled in his flannel, and he couldn’t believe it. The two of them hadn’t physically fought since they’d knocked their mother’s back door off the hinges fifteen years ago.
“What in the hell is wrong with you?” Louie began. “For most of your life you’ve wanted one thing. One. Delaney Shaw. As soon as it looks like you’re finally going to get what you want, you do something to screw it up. You hurt her on purpose so she’ll hate you. Just like always. And guess what? She does.”
“Why do you care?” Nick raised his gaze to his brother’s deep brown eyes. “You don’t even like her.”
“I like her okay, but how I feel doesn’t really matter. You’re in love with her.”
“Doesn’t matter. She’s leaving in June.”
“Did she say that?”
“Yep.”
“Did you ask her to stay? Did you try to work anything out with her?”
“It wouldn’t have made any difference.”
“You don’t know that, and instead of finding out, you’re going to let the one woman you’ve loved your whole life walk out. What’s that matter with you? Are you chicken shit?”
“Fuck you, Louie.” He barely saw Louie’s fist before he buried it in his face. Light exploded behind Nick’s eyes and he went down hard, cracking the back of his head on the wood floor. His vision darkened and he thought he might pass out. Unfortunately the exposed ceiling beams came into focus, and with his cleared vision, his skull felt like it had been split in two. His cheekbone began to throb, and his brain pounded. He groaned and gingerly touched his eye. “You’re a little prick, Louie, and when I get up, I’m gonna kick your ass.”
His brother moved to stand over him. “You couldn’t kick old man Baxter’s ass, and he’s been pushing around one of those oxygen cylinders for ten years.”
“You cracked my head open.”
“No, your head’s too hard. Probably cracked your floor though.” Louie pulled a set of keys from his pants pocket. “I don’t know why you made Delaney hate you, but you’re going to sober up and realize you made a big mistake. I hope it’s not too late.” He frowned and pointed a finger at his brother. “Take a shower, Nick. You stink like a distillery.”
After Louie left, Nick picked himself off the floor and stumbled upstairs to bed. He slept until the next morning and woke up feeling like he’d been run over by a monster truck. He took a shower, but didn’t feel much better. The back of his head hurt and he had a black eye. That wasn’t the worst of it. Knowing that Louie was right was worse. He’d pushed Delaney out of his life. He’d thought he could push her out of his head, too. He’d thought he’d feel better. He’d never felt so low.
