Wife 22

Me: Yes, but with one wonderful twist!

Nedra: No good can come of wonderful twists. Linda and Bobby made it after all.

Me: I thought they were going to the game.

Nedra (sniffing the lamb and making a face): They couldn’t resist your restaurant-quality dishes. Where are the kids?

Me: Peter’s here. Zoe’s at home doing sit-ups. Where’s Jude?

Jude (walking into the kitchen): Wishing he was anywhere but here.

Nedra: Darling, are you going to join us? Alice, wouldn’t that be lovely if Jude joined us?

Me: It would. Yes, Nedra. It would be so, so lovely.

Nedra: See, darling. See how wanted you are. Please say you will.

Jude: (looking down at the floor)

Me: (looking down at the floor)

Nedra (sighing): You are big babies, the both of you. Will you please make up?

Jude: I’m going to Fritz’s to play Pokemon.

Me: Really?

Jude: No, not really. I’m going to my room.

Nedra: Bye, bye, darling. One of these days the two of you will love each other again. It’s my dying wish.

Me: Must you be so melodramatic, Nedra?

Jude: Yes, must you?

Nedra: Melodrama is the language the both of you speak.

7:40: In the living room

Nedra: Men, gather round. The costume portion of the evening will begin. Kate and I brought you each back a fez from our most recent trip to Morocco.

Peter (unable to wipe stricken look off his face) : I would prefer not to wear a fez as I’m already wearing a trilby.

Nedra: Yes, which is why we got you a fez-to get that damn trilby off your head.

Kate: I think his trilby is cute.

William: I stand with Peter. Being a woman, you may be unfamiliar with the codes of men and hats in the twenty-first century.

Bobby: Yes, it’s not like the 1950s, where you take off your hat when you go to dinner. In the twenty-first century you wear your hat throughout dinner.

Me: Or if you are Pedro, throughout the month of June.

William: And if you start off the evening with a hat, you don’t switch to another hat. Hats are not like cardigan sweaters.

Nedra: Put on the fez, Pedro, or else.

Me: What about us?

Nedra: Kate, Alice, and Linda, I have not forsaken you. Here are your djellabas!

Me: Fabulous! A long, loose garment with big sleeves that soon I will be dipping accidentally into my mint sauce.

Peter: I’ll trade you for my fez.

Nedra (sighing): Must you all be so ungrateful?

8:30: At the dinner table

Kate: How was Salzburg, Alice?

William: You were in Salzburg?

Nedra: Yes, eating palatschinken. Apparently without you.

Me: I was in Salzburg on Facebook. I took the “Dream Vacation” quiz. I’ve always wanted to go to Salzburg.

Bobby: Linda and I are on Facebook. It’s a fabulous way to stay in touch without really staying in touch. How else would I have known you were going to Joshua Tree this weekend?

Linda: It’s a women’s weekend, Bobby. Don’t sulk. Ladies, you’re welcome to come.

Nedra: Will there be drums and burning of things?

Linda: Yes!

Nedra: Then no.

Linda: Hey, did we tell you guys we’re renovating? We’re redoing the master bedroom. It’s the most marvelous thing. We’re making it into two master bedrooms!

Me: Why would you need two master bedrooms?

Linda: It’s the new trend. It’s called a flex suite.

Kate: So you’ll be sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Peter: Can I be excused? Subtext: Can I sneak into your office and play World of Warcraft on your computer, Nedra?

Nedra: What, you don’t want to talk about the intimate sleeping arrangements of your parents and your parents’ friends? By all means, Pedro, go!

Linda: Isn’t it great? It’ll be like we’re dating again! Your suite or mine?

Nedra: What about spontaneity? What about waking up in the middle of the night and having wild, half-asleep sex?

Me: Yes, I was wondering about that, too, Linda! What about half-asleep sex?

William: Isn’t that called rape?

Linda: I have no desire to have sex at two in the morning. It’s a known fact that it gets much harder to share a bed as you get older. Bobby gets up three times a night to pee.

Bobby: Linda wakes up every time I move my middle toe.

Linda: We’ll share a bathroom, of course.

Me: Now that’s the thing I’d like two of.

Linda: Twin suites are going to reignite the mystery and the passion in our marriage. You’ll see. God, I miss Daniel. It’s the most ridiculous thing. I couldn’t wait for him to leave for college and now I can’t wait for him to come home.

William: Did I mention that a few weeks ago the dog urinated on my pillow?

Kate: I know a dog psychic you can call.

Nedra: I had a client once who peed in his wife’s lingerie drawer.

Bobby: The wife had a lingerie drawer? How long had they been married?

Me: Jampo knows you don’t like him. He senses that. He’s a truth-teller.

William: He’s mean. He eats his own shit.

Me: Exactly my point. How much more truthful can you be? Willing to eat your own poop?

Nedra: Why does this lamb taste like face cream?

William: It’s the lavender.

Nedra (putting down her fork): Alice, is this your idea of a twist? The recipe said rosemary.

Me: In my defense, a rosemary bush looks almost exactly like a lavender bush.

Nedra: Yes, except for the purple lavender-smelling flowers.

9:01: Through the bathroom door

Peter: Can I talk to you in private?

Me: I’m going to the bathroom. Can it wait?

Peter (sounding teary): I have something to confess. I did something really bad.