Wife 22

did and I’m really, really sorry.”

“Are you saying you’d like a glass of milk, too, sweetheart?” she asks me gently.

I look down into my plate. “Yes, please.”

47

John Yossarian added Favorite Quotations

Omit needless words.-E. B. White

Just saying hello, Researcher 101.

Hello.

Lunchtime-grilled ham and cheese.

Grilled ham & cheese. Never use “and” when an ampersand will do. 2nd Favorite Quotation: Omit adverbial dialogue tags.-Researcher 101

Sunny here, she said sunnily.

Cloudy here.

I’m a bad mother.

No you aren’t.

I’m a tired mother.

Understandable.

I’m a tired wife.

And I’m a tired husband.

You are?

Sometimes, he said, disinhibitingly.

“Omit invented words.” -Wife 22

48

47. Ages: 19-27: Three plus days a week (the plus being active sex life, actually a bit of a slut). Ages 28-35: Two minus days a week (the minus being pregnancy, infants, no sleep=no libido). Ages 36-40: Seven plus days a week (the plus being desperate, the big 4-0 looming, making an effort to have active sex life so don’t feel like sex life is over). Ages: 41-44: One minus days a month (the minus being when asked by doctor say five days a week, even doctor not fooled, she says five days a week doing what? Chair dancing?).

48. This is an utterly annoying question-pass!!!

49. Shah Jahan and Mumtaz Mahal, Abigail and John Adams, Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward.

50. Ben Harper. Ed Harris (I have a thing for bald men with beautifully shaped heads). Christopher Plummer.

51. Marion Cotillard (but not in Edith Piaf movie where she shaved her hairline). Halle Berry. Cate Blanchett (especially in Queen Elizabeth movie). Helen Mirren.

52. Frequently.

53. I put my key in the lock and opened the door. William was working. He held up his hand. “Don’t move,” he said. He picked up his pad of paper and began to read out loud.

PEAVEY PATTERSON BRAINSTORMING SESSION

CLIENT: ALICE A

CREATIVE: WILLIAM B

TOPIC: THINGS ALICE SHOULD NEVER WORRY ABOUT

1. If her hair is too long (only too long if down to ankles and impedes ability to walk)

2. If she forgot to put on lipstick (doesn’t need lipstick-lips a perfectly lovely shade of raspberry)

3. If you can see through her dress (Yes)

4. If she should have worn a slip to work today (No)

“You ass! I’ve been walking around all day with my underwear showing? Why didn’t anybody tell me?”

“I just told you.”

“You should have told me earlier. I’m so embarrassed.”

“Don’t be. It was the highlight of my day. Come here,” William said.

“No,” I said, pouting.

He dramatically swept the table clean of all his papers. Who did he think he was? Mickey Rourke in 9? Weeks? God, I loved that movie. After I saw it I bought a garter belt and stockings. I wore them for a few days, feeling very sexy, until I experienced a garter malfunction. Have you ever had a stocking suddenly pool around your ankle while you’re in the process of boarding a bus? There is no quicker path to feeling like an old lady.

“Alice.”

“What?”

“Come here now.”

“I’ve always fantasized about having sex on a table but I’m not sure I’d recommend it,” William said half an hour later.

“I concur, Mr. B.”

“What did you think about the pitch?”

“I’m not sure the client will go for it.”

“Why not?”

“The client thinks it’s a bit too on-the-nose. Can we move this into the bedroom now?” In order to lie next to each other on the table, each of us had a leg and an arm dangling off.

“I’ve changed my mind. I like the table.”

“Well,” I said. “It’s hard. I’ll give you that.” My hand traveled down his chest to his waist.

“That’s the nature of a table,” he said, covering my hand with his own, guiding it south.

“Always have to be in charge, don’t you.”

He groaned softly when I touched him. “I’ll come up with a new pitch, Ms. A. I promise.”

“Don’t be stingy. Five new pitches. The client would like some choices.”

In deference to Helen, not wanting to rub it in her face (this was my idea), we’d decided it was best if our relationship stayed secret at work. Keeping up the masquerade was both thrilling and exhausting. William passed by my cubicle at least ten times a day, and because I could see directly into his office (and whenever I looked, he was looking right back at me) I was in a constant state of arousal. Nights, I came home and collapsed from the effort of having to sublimate my desire all day. Then I sat around and thought about his Levi’s. And how he looked in those Levi’s. And when we did venture out, for a walk in the Public Garden or to a Red Sox game, or to the hinterlands of Allston to hear some alternative band, it was like we’d never done any of those things before. Boston was a new city with him by my side.

I’m sure we were extremely annoying. Especially to older couples that did not walk down the sidewalk hand in hand, who often didn’t even seem to be speaking, a three-foot distance between them. I was incapable of understanding that their silence might be a comfortable, hard-won silence, a benefit that came from years of being