“Headache. Stomachache. Light-headed.”
The bartender gives me my wine. I take a big sip.
“That’s just nerves,” says Nedra.
“I think I’m having a panic attack.”
“You are not having a panic attack. Stop being so dramatic and just say what you need to say.”
“I can’t give the toast tonight. But don’t worry, William’s going to take my place.”
Nedra shakes her head. “That is a hideous suit.”
“I didn’t want to upstage you. But I shouldn’t have worried. All this-” I say, waving at her breasts. “Wow.”
“I asked one thing of you, Alice. One thing most women would be thrilled about. For you to be my maid of honor.”
“There’s a reason. I’m a mess. I can’t think straight. Something’s happened,” I cry.
“
“I got some bad news tonight. Some really, terrible, horrible bad news.”
Nedra’s face softens. “Christ, why didn’t you open with that? What’s happened? Is it your father?”
“Researcher 101 is William!”
Nedra takes a dainty sip of her Soiree. She takes another little sip.
“Did you hear me?”
“I heard you, Alice.”
“And?”
“Are you about to get your period?”
“I have evidence! Look. This is one of Researcher 101’s profile photos.” I take out my phone, go to Facebook, click on his photo album, and then click on the photo of his hand. “First of all, it’s geotagged.”
“Hmm,” says Nedra, looking over my shoulder. I drag the icon of the little yellow man onto the red pushpin and when the photo of our house pops up on the screen, she claps her hand over her mouth. “Wait, it gets better.” I zoom in on the photo. “It’s his hand. He could have used any hand. Any hand from the Internet. A clip art hand, even. He used his own.”
“That bloody, fucking idiot,” says Nedra, grinning.
“I know!”
“I can’t believe it.”
“I
She shakes her head in disbelief. “Who knew he had it in him? That is the single most romantic thing I’ve ever heard of.”
“Oh, God, not you, too.”
“What do you mean not me, too?”
“Bunny had the same reaction.”
“Well, that should tell you something, then.”
I finger my engagement ring in my pocket. “Oh, Nedra, I don’t know what to feel. I’m so confused. Look,” I show her the ring. “This came today in the mail.”
“What is it?”
“My engagement ring.”
“The one you threw out the car window fifty million years ago?”
“My father found it in a pawnshop. Somebody must have turned it in.” I hold the ring up to my eye and squint. “There’s an engraving, but I can’t read it.”
“Your refusal to deal with your adult-onset presbyopia is becoming a real problem, Alice,” says Nedra. “Let me see.”
I hand the ring to her.
“It does not say that.”
“Yes, it does.”
“You’re making that up.”
“I promise you, I’m not. That sounds familiar. Give me your phone.” She types the quote into Google search. “It’s Jane Austen.
“Well, that’s just ridiculous,” I say.
“Completely ridiculous. Over-the-top ridiculous. You have got to forgive him. It’s a sign.”
“I don’t believe in signs.”
“Oh, that’s right, only romantics believe in signs.”
“Wimps,” I say. “Saps.”
“And you go right on believing you’re not one of them, darling.”
“What are you two whispering about?” asks Kate, popping up behind Nedra. Kate is wearing a yellow dress that I’m sure Nedra picked out for her. Together they’re a sunflower: Kate is the blossom, Nedra the stem.
“My God, you look beautiful,” says Nedra, reaching up and stroking her cheek. “Doesn’t she, Alice? She looks like an Irish Salma Hayek.”
“Okay. I think that’s a compliment. Listen, I think we’re getting close to sitting down,” says Kate. “Maybe fifteen minutes? Alice, when do you want to do the toast? Right before we eat? Or after.”
“She’s not giving a toast,” says Nedra.
“She’s not?” says Kate.
“William’s going to do a toast in her place.”
Kate raises her eyebrows.
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, but I’m just not up to it tonight. But William will be brilliant. He so good at these sorts of things. Much better than me, actually. I’m terrible in front of a crowd. I get all sweaty and my legs-”
“Enough, Alice,” says Nedra. “Let’s circulate, darling,” she says to Kate.
I take my chardonnay and go sit at an empty table in the back of the room. I see Zoe and Jude in a corner, holding hands, staring intently into each other’s eyes. Peter is out on the dance floor, doing the robot all by himself and by the looks of it having a grand time. Jack, Bunny, and Caroline are sitting at a table. And William is at the bar, his back to me. I grab my phone. John Yossarian is still online. William must have forgotten to log out.
I’ve changed my mind. I want to meet you, Researcher 101.
When can we meet?
Real life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
When can we meet?
Why?
She can’t hold a candle to me.
She’s a wuss.
You’re a wuss.
Tell me the truth. You at least owe me that. Are you happy in your marriage?
I had to answer it. Your turn.
I watch as William puts the phone down, then picks it up again, then puts it down again and takes a big sip of his drink. Finally he picks the phone up once more and begins to type.
