It had all happened so fast. Only hours ago, she’d been basking in the conviction of his unspoken love, certain that the trouble between them could be resolved and the way made clear. Then the heavens had fallen on her.
No, on them both. Even when Dante had been at his most cruel, she had recognised the pain and disillusion that drove him. Her heart cried that he should trust her, but life had taught him that the traps were always waiting at his feet, ready to be sprung when he least expected it.
In desperation she’d told him that she loved him, but now it hit her with the force of a sledgehammer that he hadn’t said as much in return. He’d spoken only of killing her love, and had done his best to do it. With all her heart she longed to believe that he’d been forcing himself, denying his true feelings, but she was no longer sure what those feelings were. At times, she’d thought she detected real hatred in his eyes.
Perhaps that was the real Dante, a man whose need to keep the world at bay was greater than any love he could feel. Perhaps the cold hostility he’d turned on her was the strongest emotion he could truly feel.
She sat there in the darkness, shaking with misery and despair.
In the early hours she heard him arrive, moving quietly. When the door of the bedroom opened just a little, she said, ‘I’m awake.’
‘I’m sorry, did I wake you?’ His voice was quiet.
‘I can’t sleep.’
He didn’t come near the bed but went to stand by the window, looking out in the direction of Vesuvius, as they had once done together.
‘That was what you meant, wasn’t it?’ she asked, coming beside him. ‘Never knowing when it was going to send out a warning.’
‘Yes, that was what I meant.’
‘And, now that it has, we’re all supposed to make a run for it?’
‘If you have any sense.’
‘I never had any sense.’
‘I know.’ He gave a brief laugh. ‘Nobody who knew us would imagine I was the one with common sense, would they?’
‘Certainly not me,’ she said, trying to recapture their old bantering way of talking.
‘So I have to be wise for both of us. I should think what happened today would have opened your eyes. You saw what’s probably waiting for me at the end of the road.’
‘Not if you take medical help to avoid it,’ she pressed.
‘There is no avoiding it, or at least so little chance as not to justify the risk. To become like Leo is my nightmare. Maybe one day it’ll happen, and if we were married what would you do? Would you have the sense to leave me then?’
Ferne stared at him, unable to believe that he’d really spoken such words.
‘You’d want me to leave you-just abandon you?’
‘I’d want you to get as far away from me as possible. I’d want you to go where you’d never have to see me, or even think about me, again.’
Shattered, Ferne stepped back and looked at him. Then a blind rage swept over her and she drew back her hand, ready to aim at his face, but at the last minute she dropped it and turned away, almost running in her fear of what she had been about to do.
He came after her, also furious, pulling her around to face him.
‘If you want to hit me, do it,’ he snapped.
‘I ought to,’ she breathed.
‘Yes, you ought to. I’ve insulted you, haven’t I? Fine, I’ll insult you again. And again. Until you face reality.’
The rage in his voice frightened her. Part of her understood that his cruelty was a deliberate attempt to drive her off her for own sake. Yet still it stunned her in its intensity, warning her of depths to him that she had never understood because he had never wanted her to understand.
‘Reality means what you want it to mean,’ she said. ‘Maybe I see things differently.’
‘Marriage? Children? Holding hands as we wander into the sunset? Only I wouldn’t just be holding your hand, I’d be clinging to it for support.’
‘And I’d be glad to give you that support, because I love you.’
‘Don’t love me,’ he said savagely. ‘I have no love to give back.’
‘Is that really true?’ she whispered.
The look he gave her was terrible, full of despair and suffering that she could do nothing to ease. That was when she faced the truth: if she had no power to ease his pain, then everything was dead between them.
‘Try not to hate me,’ he said wearily.
‘I thought you wanted me to hate you as the quickest way of getting rid of me.’
‘I thought so too, but I guess I can’t manage it. Don’t hate me more than you have to, and I’ll try not to hate you.’
‘Hate
He was silent for a long moment before whispering, ‘Yes. If I must.’
He looked away again, out of the window, to where the dawn was breaking. The air was clear and fresh; the birds were beginning to sing. It was going to be a glorious day.
She came up close behind him, touching him gently and resting her cheek against his back. Her head was whirling with the words that she wanted to say, and yet no words would be enough.
She could feel him warm against her, as she’d known him so often before, and suddenly, irrationally, she was filled with hope. This was Dante, who loved her, no matter what he said. They would be together because it was fated. All she had to do was convince him of that.
‘Darling,’ she whispered.
His voice was hard, and he spoke without looking at her.
‘There’s a flight to England at eleven this morning. I’ve booked your seat.’
He came with her to the airport, helping her to check in and remaining with her as they waited for the first call. There was no more tenderness in his manner than there had been before. He was doing his polite duty.
She couldn’t bear it. Whatever might happen, there was no way she could go one way and leave him to go another, at the mercy of any wind that blew.
‘Dante, please.’
‘Don’t.’
‘Tell me to stay,’ she whispered. ‘We’ll make it work somehow.’
He shook his head, his eyes weary and defeated. ‘It’s not your fault. It’s me. I can’t change. I’ll always be a nightmare for any woman to live with. You were right. I shouldn’t have lived with you and not warned you. I made the terms but didn’t tell you what they were. Doesn’t that prove I’m a monster?’
‘You’re not a monster,’ she said fervently. ‘Just a man trapped in a vicious web. But you don’t have to live in it alone. Let me come inside, let me help you.’
His face was suddenly wild.
‘And see you trapped too? No, get out while you can. I’ve done you so much damage, I won’t do more. For pity’s sake, for
He almost ran from her then, hurrying into the crowd without looking back even once. She watched as the distance between them grew wider, until he vanished.
But only from her sight. In her mind and heart where he would always live, she could still see him, making his way back to the empty apartment and the empty life, where he would be alone for ever in the doubly bitter loneliness of those who had chosen their isolation.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
IT WAS late at night when Ferne reached her apartment, to find it gloomy and cold. Locking the door behind her, she stood in the silence, thinking of Dante far away, locked in a chill darkness that was more than physical.
