‘Some, for a while. But now none at all. She married someone else last year, and I’m glad for her. If we’d married it would have been a disaster, because we would each have wanted something the other could never give. There’s nothing there to make you jealous. The wisest thing I ever did was to wait for you.’
She lay down against him, reassured and content. It wasn’t until the last moment that it occurred to her that there was something ominous in the story, but before she could think of it she was asleep.
Only one person was welcome in their secret world, and that was Norah.
The boat had a computer link-up and Olivia had brought her laptop. Now they both enjoyed going online to her. She and Lang would embark on a chat as though taking up where they’d left off only a few minutes before. Norah liked him as she had never liked Andy, Olivia realised.
He talked about the Yangtze, describing the view from the deck until her eyes shone.
‘Oh, that must have been so marvellous!’ she exclaimed. ‘What a sight!’
‘Perhaps you’ll see it yourself one day,’ he suggested.
‘That would be lovely, but I’m old now. I don’t think there are any long journeys for me.’
‘Who knows what the future holds?’ Lang said mysteriously.
Listening to this, Olivia wondered if she was reading too much into a few words, but they seemed to lead in only one direction. If she and Lang were to choose a life together, she would have to move permanently to China. His life here was too settled to allow any doubt.
For just a little longer they could live in this private universe where the real world was set at a distance. But soon the practical decisions would have to be made.
They said goodnight and hung up. Lang was regarding her with a question in his eyes.
‘Something troubling you?’
‘I was just wondering about Norah. She’s very old, and when you talk of her coming here…’
‘She’s not too old for China. Old people get treated very well here, better than in many other countries.’
‘Yes, I know, but that long air-journey.’
‘Can be made a lot more comfortable with an upgrade.’ He gave her a conspiratorial smile, reminding her that the word had a special significance for them. ‘We just buy her a ticket in business class, where she can travel in comfort, stretch out and go to sleep. I think she’d like it here.’
‘Lang, what are you saying?’
‘I’m just looking ahead, down many different roads, but they all lead to you, my love. Let it happen as it will.’
Yes, she thought, that was the way. Fate, something she’d never believed in before, but which now seemed the only way.
Yet the flight arrangements he’d mentioned showed that he’d been thinking about this in detail, planning for the day.
He partially explained the mystery as they lay together later.
‘It comes from belonging to two different cultures,’ he said sleepily. ‘One side of me believes in fate and destiny, good luck, bad luck, being touched by another world we can’t control. The other side makes graphs and looks up flight timetables.’
‘Which side of you is which?’
‘They’re mixed up. Both cultures have both aspects, but they speak with different accents. Sometimes I tell myself how completely I belong here. I love my Chinese family.’
‘And they love you dearly too. Biyu talked of you being “a little bit English” as though that bit doesn’t matter at all next to your Chinese quarter. It must be wonderful to be so completely accepted.’
A slight shadow came over Lang’s face.
‘What is it?’ Olivia asked. ‘Have I said something wrong?’
‘No, it’s just that you speak of them accepting me.’
‘But they do, that’s obvious.’
‘I know it looks like that, and I’m probably imagining that the acceptance isn’t complete. I simply have this feeling that they’re holding back just a little.’
‘But why?’
‘I don’t know. All I can tell you is that I feel they’re waiting for me to do something, or say something. But I don’t know what it is.’
‘I think you’re wrong. They’re not holding back at all. They’re so proud of you, and they’re especially proud that you came here and chose them. Biyu did this.’ She tapped her breast. ‘And she said, “In here, he is one of us”.’
‘She actually said that?’ There was something touchingly boyish in his eagerness.
‘She actually said that. So doesn’t that prove you’re accepted?’
‘Maybe, but I don’t think even they know that something doesn’t fit.’
‘Then you have to be patient,’ Olivia said. ‘It’ll happen naturally, and you’ll all know by instinct.’
‘I didn’t think you believed in trusting your instinct.’
‘But it’s not
‘Perhaps it is. I think that whatever we seem to be talking about we’re also finding out about each other-and about ourselves.’
‘Yes, it’s alarming when you start to discover that you’re not the person you thought you were,’ she agreed.
‘What have you learned about yourself?’ he murmured, his mouth close to hers.
‘Things that alarm me. Things that I’m not sure I want to learn.’
‘Tell me about them.’
‘I’m just not the person I thought I was-but, if I’m not, then who am I?’
‘Does it matter?’
‘Of course it matters. What a question!’
‘I’m serious. Why do you have to know who you are? It’s enough that you
‘To you, yes. But that would mean putting myself entirely in your hands.’
‘Don’t you trust me that much?’
‘It’s not that, it’s just-I don’t know.’
‘Believe me, I know what it’s like to put yourself in the hands of the woman you love and to realise that, if she understands you, it doesn’t matter whether you understand yourself because she’s wiser than you are.’
He might have been talking about Natalie, but the warmth in his eyes told her what he really meant.
‘Perhaps you should be careful,’ she whispered. ‘Who knows if I can really be trusted that much?’
‘I do,’ he said at once. ‘I’d trust you with my life, with my heart, soul and all my future.’
‘But we’ve known each other such a little time.’
‘We’ve known each other for over two-thousand years,’ he said. ‘Ever since the moment I caught a glimpse of your face and knew that I’d gladly give up everything else in my life in order to be with you.’
‘Is that you talking?’ she asked in wonder. ‘Or Renshu?’
‘Ah!’ he said with satisfaction. ‘I said you understood me. Yes, I’m Renshu, and so is every man who’s ever loved as much as I do. And I know one thing-I can’t be without you. You must stay with me for ever or my life will be nothing.
‘I know you can’t abandon Norah, but I don’t ask you to. She has been your mother, and from now on she will be mine too. She’ll be happy in China, I’ll make sure of that. Don’t you think I can?’
‘I think you can do anything you set your mind to,’ she said in wonder.
‘Does that mean yes?’
‘Yes, yes,
Flinging her arms about him, she hugged him with wild joy and he hugged her back powerfully. When they drew back to behold each other’s faces she saw that his was full of mischief.
‘I was so afraid you’d refuse me,’ he said meekly.
‘Liar, liar! You never thought that for a moment,’ she cried, thumping him. ‘You’re the most conceited devil that ever lived.’
