For His Little Girl

'So I didn't complain. I did everything the way you wanted, the way everyone always does. I smiled and I didn't tell you my heart was breaking at losing you, and breaking again because you were so glad to be going.'

'I wasn't-'

'Shut up! Just for once I'm going to tell you how I really feel about something. This time I'm not pretending in case the truth drives you away. I'm telling you about my feelings, what I want, and if you don't like it, then tough! I've spent too long loving you on your terms with nothing back, and I'm fed up.

You didn't want any ties, so I didn't create any, and that's been fine for you. But where did it leave me? Bringing up our child alone in a boarding house where nobody eats anything but chips.

'Oh, yes, you've been wonderful about money and you've stayed in touch, after a fashion. I tried to tell myself how lucky I was, because other men don't pay a penny, or they pretend the child isn't theirs. I wouldn't let myself face how selfish you were really being, because money's easy. You're a generous man, as long as it's only money, but ask you to give part of yourself, and you don't want to know.

'And those charming e-mails you and Josie exchange. Anyone can be charming at a distance. Five thousand miles, and switch the machine off when it suits you.'

By now Luke had stopped even trying to reply. The world was collapsing around his ears, but that didn't matter. What mattered was that she was in anguish and it was somehow his fault.

She was gasping as though she'd been running, and the words seemed to have run down. She brushed a hand across her face, trying to hide the wetness on her cheeks. Her lips trembled, but he saw her swallow hard and force back the emotion.

'Oh, forget it,' she said tiredly.

'No, I think you should say the rest of it, whatever the rest is. I guess there are some things in there that you've been waiting to say for years.'

'Yes, well, I thought I wanted to say them, but the time is past. What difference can it make now?'

He poured himself a brandy and offered her one. She took it in one gulp. 'Say it,' he repeated.

'You'd got as far as switching off the machine when it suited me.'

'Well, it's true, isn't it? I've had no machine to switch off. I'm there twenty-four hours a day, because that's what being a parent is. It's not just picking the nice bits. It's the boring bits, reading the same story for the fiftieth time because it's her favorite. It's broken nights, and not being able to go out with your friends because she needs you, and always thinking of her first. Things you wouldn't know anything about.

'It's not just giving her presents and being told you're wonderful. Sometimes it's being told you're horrible because you've said no to something she desperately wanted. You couldn't stand being told you're horrible.'

'I'm getting a taste of it now,' he said wryly.

'No, you're not horrible. You're selfish and immature and you've got enough charm to make people let you get away with it, so you know nothing about real life. But you're not horrible. That's why I've never said all this before. And maybe I should have done.'

'So why didn't you?'

'Because I was young and stupid and so much in love with you that it hurt. I longed to marry you, but I knew that word was like a red rag to a bull. That's why I didn't ask you to Frank and Elly's wedding. I was so scared of losing you, and too ignorant to ask myself if you were worth keeping.'

'Thanks!' he said, really nettled now.

'Anyone who's only interested in what he can have on his own terms isn't worth the heartbreak.

And I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I'd seen that before.'

Luke tore his hair. 'I wish I knew where all this came from. A few minutes ago everything was fine-'

'No, everything wasn't fine, not for me. I tried to believe it was, because it was so nice to be playing at romance and having you make a fuss of me. But the truth is that everything hasn't been fine for eleven years.'

'You've felt like this for eleven years?' he echoed, aghast.

'That surprises you, doesn't it? That really surprises you.'

'But I thought you were okay about it.'

'You thought what you wanted to think. Did you ever once bother to come over to England and see how I was managing?'

'You could have called or written-' He saw her murderous expression and backtracked hastily. 'No, no, forget I said that.'

'For your sake, yes, I will forget it-just as you forgot me, until now it suits you to remember me again, and I'm supposed to jump into your arms. But I've moved on. I've had a child, and helping her grow up has made me grow up.'

'Pippa, please, can't we talk about this calmly?'

'I don't want to talk about it calmly. I want to shout and scream because then maybe you'll understand what you did. I can live with you not bothering about me. What I can't forgive you for is ignoring Josie and thinking you could be a good father at a distance-sending her e-mails and gifts that somebody else picked out, and believing-My God! You really believed that was all there was to it. I shouldn't have had to bring her over here when it's almost too late for me, and if you'd been a half-decent father I wouldn't have had to.'

Luke had paled-the only sign that his rarely aroused temper had begun to flare. 'I suppose I should be glad that you said all this now,'' he said harshly. 'Think how much longer we might have wasted. I've been fooling myself. I'm sorry. I know I was wrong in the past, but I thought I had a chance to make it right between us.'

'Well you haven't,' she cried. 'It's too late! Years too late. How dare you do this to me now! Go to blazes, Luke! Go to perdition! Go to hell! I wish I'd never met you.'

Chapter Ten

Lying alone in bed that night, Pippa could have wept with frustration. Why had she let her temper get the better of her, and spoiled what might have been so beautiful? All she'd had to do was keep quiet.

But when had she ever been able to do that?

It had been so perfect. He was jealous, he was opening his arms and his heart to her. And she'll hurled it all back at him in a rage. But that rage had been building up in her for years. She saw that now. She'd done what she had to do, and when the evening lay in wreckage around them she'd stormed out of the house.

She'd wandered the moonlit grounds for an hour before returning quietly to the house. There was a light in a downstairs window, and she could see him there, watching the garden for her return. She approached the French doors, letting him see that she was safe, then hurried on upstairs to her room. He hadn't tried to come to her.

Now she slipped out of bed and went to the window, overlooking the pool. How inviting the water looked in the dazzling moonlight! How cool it would feel on her fevered skin!

She covered her nakedness with a terry cloth robe and crept quietly out into the corridor, pausing briefly outside the opposite door. Luke didn't snore, as he would have been the first to assert, but he had a muted rumble that she thought she could just discern. She opened the door a crack. He was growling in his sleep like a contented lion. Silently Pippa closed the door and slipped away down the stairs.

At the waterside she paused, looking up a moment at the blind windows of the house. There was nobody to see her daring. Still wearing the robe, she sat on the edge. At the last moment she tossed it away and slipped, naked, into the water. The sudden sense of freedom was wonderful. She turned over and over, relishing the coolness against her skin and the feeling of peace.

Luke sat up suddenly in bed. Far back in his consciousness he thought he'd heard a door close. He got up and went hopefully to the door, but there was nobody on the other side.

Well, what did you expect, you jerk? After the earful of home truths she gave you, you think she's going to come to your room? And she sure as hell doesn't want you going to hers.

He stood still, listening, but the only sound was the soft rustle of the net curtains at the tall windows, moving slightly in the breeze, and a soft splash from the pool. From the pool?

He parted the curtains of the hall window and looked out in wonder at the scene below. A mermaid was darting here and there in the water.