the child. If you lose her, you’ll regret it all your life.’
‘I know that, Nonno, but I’ve changed. I see myself clearly and I don’t like myself. That gap in there-’ he pointed to his chest ‘-I’m afraid I’m not fit to be a husband or a father.’
‘They will make you fit,’ Bruno said.
‘I’ll let them down, and I could never forgive myself for that,’ Renzo said desperately.
‘You’re afraid you’ll do to them what was done to you,’ Bruno said wisely, and Renzo nodded. ‘But never fear. They won’t let you. They’ll draw you out into the world of trust and love. Even if you don’t trust yourself, trust the woman you love, and the child she bore you. They’ll never fail you.’
‘I know. Don’t worry, Nonno. I know the only happiness lies with them.’
‘Then I have nothing left to hope for,’ Bruno murmured. His eyes began to close. ‘I’m tired. Let me sleep now.’
His eyes closed slowly. Renzo kissed his cheek and went out of the room, nodding to the nurse to go in.
‘Thank you,’ he said quietly to Mandy.
In the back of the car going home he said little, but he looked at Danny constantly, and there was a faint smile on his face. Mandy watched them both, silent and content.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
WHEN they reached home Renzo vanished into his office, saying that he must catch up on work. Mandy would have liked to talk to him about what had happened, but clearly he didn’t want that. She spent the evening chatting with Sue before looking in to say goodnight to him. He smiled briefly and returned to work.
‘This afternoon I thought things were getting better,’ she confided to Sue as they climbed the stairs. ‘But we take one step forward and two steps back.’
‘And if it doesn’t come right?’ Sue ventured. ‘What happens then?’
‘I don’t know,’ she said with a sigh.
But she did know. And the thought of the decision that she might be facing filled her with sadness.
It was the height of summer. The heat could become intolerable during the day, and scarcely less so at night, so that both the windows and the shutters were left open. On a moonlit night the bedroom never became entirely dark.
Having seen Danny settled in his cot, Mandy stretched out on the bed, wearing a nightdress that was barely a whisper and with only a sheet to cover her. Even so, she was still too hot and slept fitfully.
She awoke suddenly, wondering what was different. The room was silent, yet she knew something strange had happened, piercing her sleep. Then she turned her head and saw Renzo.
He was sitting by the cot, gazing down into it, totally still. She waited for him to glance her way, but he didn’t. His attention was all for the child and she might not have existed. When he finally moved, it was only to lean down further, peering intently. Mandy could just make out his face with its faint smile that widened suddenly, as though something new and delightful had caught his attention. When his head turned a little she could see that his eyes were gleaming, not only with pleasure, but with something that was almost triumph.
A man marvelling at newly discovered treasure might gaze at it with that reverent wonder-half joy, half disbelief. Mandy lay still, her heart beating so loudly that she feared he might hear it, but he was totally absorbed in his son.
Now she understood what he had meant about seeing without being seen. It was a pleasure to study him without his knowledge. He was bare-chested, and in this light the scars were invisible, leaving only the lithe, strongly built man she remembered from a time that sometimes seemed like another world.
A sound from the cot showed that Danny had awoken. At once Renzo pressed a finger to his lips and pointed to the bed. Danny began to make grumbling noises, which caused Renzo to shush him frantically.
But the sounds increased.
‘I think you’d better wake Mamma,’ Mandy told him.
Renzo jumped, then gave her a quick look that was almost guilty. ‘I thought you were asleep.’
‘I was. You must have entered very quietly not to have disturbed me. How long have you been there?’
‘I’m not sure, perhaps an hour. I came in because I hoped you were awake. I didn’t knock in case I awoke him too, but you were both asleep. I suppose I should have gone away-’
‘You know better than that,’ she said at once. ‘You don’t need permission to visit your own son.’
‘I meant to waken you, but I got to looking at him lying there, and then I couldn’t stop.’
She sat up in the bed. ‘It was lovely. You were doing so well.’
‘Was I? I’ve never talked to a baby before. I don’t understand their language.’
‘You pick it up as you go along,’ she said, pushing back the sheet. ‘Then, gradually you get to understand each other. When he says this-’ she gave a grunt ‘-it means he wants to be changed. I’ll show you how to do it.’
‘Show…me?’ he said, with the gulping horror of fathers since the dawn of time.
‘Well, you’re obviously training to be the perfect father. What better moment for a lesson?’
But, at the sight of his appalled face, she relented. ‘It’s all right. I’ll let you off this time.’
She went into her little bathroom and did what was necessary. He came to the door to watch, but only from a safe distance.
‘Coward,’ she jeered, chuckling.
‘Definitely.’
When she’d finished, she laid Danny in his father’s arms.
‘Hold him for me while I get washed,’ she said, returning to the bathroom.
She took her time washing, turned out the bathroom light and slipped back into the bedroom unnoticed. She had her reward in the sight of Danny sitting on Renzo’s lap, supported by his arm, looking up with an appraising expression.
‘He’s not sure what he makes of you,’ she said, laughing softly.
‘What about what I make of him?’ Renzo demanded.
‘That doesn’t bother him nearly as much. He knows the opinion that matters is his. He’ll inform you when he’s ready.’
He grinned. ‘Got it all sussed, huh?’
‘You’d better believe it. He’s going to go through life afraid of nobody.’
Renzo studied his son’s face, and nodded. ‘Yes, I think that’s what he’s trying to tell me. What are you doing now?’
Mandy had gone to a bedside cupboard and taken out a small bottle and a cup.
‘He likes a little drink of orange juice when he wakes at night,’ she explained, pouring juice into the cup and setting it down. ‘I keep this in the fridge by day, and take it out when I come to bed. By the time he’s ready for it, the chill has gone.’
She sat down on the bed and reached out to take Danny from him. The child went willingly, but kept his eyes on Renzo, evidently regarding him as a curiosity. They had been acquainted for several days now, yet Mandy had the strange sense that each was seeing the other for the first time.
‘Now, perhaps Poppa will hand us the cup,’ she said.
Renzo entered into the spirit, pointing to himself and repeating, ‘Poppa.’
Danny frowned.
‘Poppa,’ Renzo said again.
At last Danny made his decision. ‘Fish,’ he announced.
‘Hey, that’s my word,’ Mandy protested. ‘I’m your fish. You said so.’
‘Fish,’ Danny repeated firmly.
‘But I’m an Italian fish,’ Renzo declared.
‘Fish.’
