‘No. I spoke of our friendship, our affection, but I didn’t pretend to a love I didn’t feel because it would have been dishonest, and that would have insulted her. She’d have seen through every word and despised me as a liar. And it seemed the best way because she was very cheerful, agreed with me about our marriage.’
‘Poor Lisetta,’ Ruth mused. ‘I suppose she concealed her feelings, afraid of frightening you off. She must have thought, when you were married, she could win your love.’
‘Yes, I finally realised that,’ he groaned. ‘I don’t know how I could have been so blind.’
‘Because she meant you to be. She was fighting for something she wanted, and she knew the way to do it. Good for her.’
He looked at her strangely.
‘You’re forgetting how badly it ended for her.’
‘No, I’m not. The future is always a mystery. You can only take the step you see ahead, and deal with the consequences as they happen. She sounds like a lady with a lot of courage.’
‘Courage?’
‘Think of the risk she took. How old was she then?’
‘About twenty-five.’
‘Then she’d waited for you, played high stakes to win the only prize she cared about because nothing less would do. That took real courage.’
In his mind he saw Lisetta again, docile, yielding, eager to please, but sadly without the magic that could have caught his attention. It took an effort to see her through Ruth’s eyes, daring, ready to risk everything and smile if she lost.
And she had lost, he thought remorsefully. She’d gained nothing from her marriage but two dead children and the dutiful affection of a man carrying an increasing burden of guilt. But the guilt had been his own fault. She’d never tried to lay that burden on him.
‘You’re right,’ he said suddenly. ‘She was a brave woman. I meant to be a good husband, and at first things went well. She became pregnant almost at once, and we were happy. I was grateful to her for giving my father hope, and also on my own account.
‘I found that I loved the idea of being a father. That took me by surprise. I’d never thought of it before, but suddenly I wanted it so much, and Lisetta was the woman who was going to give me my heart’s desire. Yes, I think I gave her some happiness then. I hope so, anyway.’
The heavy note in his voice made her ask, ‘What happened?’
‘She lost the child in the sixth month. That would have been bad enough but my father also died. His health had been on a knife edge while he held on to see his grandchild, and the shock of seeing that hope collapse brought on his last heart attack.
‘Lisetta was devastated by what she considered her failure. I tried to reassure her but what could I say? She knew I’d married her for my father’s sake and my child’s, and now they were both dead. That was when I wished I’d told her some polite lies when I proposed. If I’d said then that I loved her, I might have been able to give her some hope when she was in despair. But I was useless-
He dropped his head into his hands.
When Pietro spoke again his voice was husky.
‘I did my best to console her, but it was a pretty useless best. She kept saying that she was sorry she’d let me down, and she’d have another child soon. With every word I felt like a monster, a man who’d destroyed a woman who loved him for his own convenience.
‘The worst thing was that she was pinning all her hopes on another baby. She didn’t know that the doctor had said she mustn’t try again. She wasn’t strong enough. I delayed telling her because I knew what it would do to her, but in the end I had to.’
‘Poor woman,’ Ruth murmured.
‘Yes, poor woman,’ Pietro said bitterly. ‘She had nothing then. Whatever I could give her wasn’t enough. She turned to her husband for help, and he failed her.’
‘How did she cope?’
‘She wouldn’t accept it. She said she just needed time to regain her strength, and everything would be fine. I didn’t argue because at least it left her some hope, but I had no intention of risking her life with another child. She began taking the pill-’
He broke off and made a helpless gesture, full of despair.
‘She swore that she was taking it-that there was no danger of-I shouldn’t have believed her. I should have taken better care of her.’
‘What happened?’
‘She came off the pill, and I only found out when she told me she was pregnant again. I can still see her face, how delighted she was, looking at me for approval.
‘I tried to make her understand how dangerous it was, but she wouldn’t listen to me or the doctor. He begged her not to go through with it. I told her I’d agree to that, but she wouldn’t listen to either of us.’
‘Of course not,’ Ruth murmured.
‘Of course not,’ he echoed with a bitterness that was aimed at himself. ‘She gave me a love I didn’t deserve, and all she cared about was pleasing me. All through her pregnancy she grew weaker, but she was actually happy. There was a time when we thought she might have a chance to come through, and the baby. But then she collapsed.
‘Our child was born alive, and she held him in her arms just once before she died. I’ll never forget the way she looked at me then, with such joy in her eyes, and such triumph. She’d given me a living child, and that was all she cared about, although she knew her own life was slipping away.
‘But then our baby died too, only a few hours after his mother. Her sacrifice had been for nothing. When she was in her coffin I kissed her and told her how sorry I was. Then I put him in her arms again, and now they’ll lie together always. Now and then I go back to see them, and always I ask for her forgiveness, but it’s too late. I’d give anything to reach her, but I never can.
‘Now do you understand why I feel little better than a murderer? I took her life-
Ruth didn’t answer at first. Pietro’s agony of self-reproach seemed imprinted on the air. She would literally have done anything to heal this wound, and it was dawning on her that, incredibly, she had the power to bring him out of this nightmare. But every step must be taken with care, using her mysterious understanding of Lisetta that had come with her own confusions. One wrong move-she shivered.
It could be done, but only if the dice were thrown exactly right.
Taking a deep breath and sending up a prayer, she tossed them into the unknown.
CHAPTER TWELVE
‘BUT you didn’t take her life,’ Ruth said softly.
Pietro stared at her, puzzled. ‘What did you say?’
‘You didn’t take her life. She gave it up.’
‘There’s no difference.’
‘There’s every difference. You talk about your father’s nineteenth-century attitudes, but then you speak as though Lisetta was a helpless little female caught up in the machinations of the men, with no chance to stand up for herself, and
‘I understand what you’re saying, but it doesn’t change the fact that I married her for my convenience, and my father’s-’
‘And she married you because she wanted to be your wife more than anything in the world. More than her pride. More than her safety. More, even, than her life.’
‘Am I supposed to feel flattered by that? I might if I thought I was worth it, but no man is,’ Pietro replied.
‘That was for her to decide. You were worth it to her and you should respect her right to make her own decision. You said your father chose her. There must have been other well-born girls he could have picked. Why
