‘I’m afraid so.’
Suddenly he began to laugh. A cracked, bitter sound that was on the edge of madness. He lay back on the bed and laughed and laughed until Polly became scared for him.
‘What’s funny?’ she asked, leaning over, taking his shoulders.
‘I am,’ he choked. ‘It’s a great joke. I’m the funniest idiot who ever tramped the streets hunting for something that didn’t exist.’
He held her in return, looking up into her face.
‘When she vanished I searched for her high and low. Once I’d watched her walk away, so I reckoned she was within walking distance, and I went to every nearby hotel. I described her a thousand times, but nobody knew her. I didn’t shave or take any care of myself, and by the end of the week I must have looked like a down-and-out. I didn’t eat, because to eat I’d have had to stop, and I couldn’t bear to. Sometimes I didn’t go back to the hotel at night.
‘Finally I gave up, got blind, roaring drunk and ended up in a police cell. The next morning they threw me out and told me to stop bothering “decent people”. After that I came home. But that wasn’t the end of it. In my dreams I went on searching for her, always thinking she’d be around the next corner, but she never was. At last I realised that she wasn’t anywhere, and the dreams stopped. The strange thing is that since I’ve known she was dead they’ve come back again. Sometimes I’m afraid to sleep in case I find myself chasing around corner after corner, always finding nothing.’
He sat up slowly, still holding onto Polly.
‘I guess part of me has known the truth from the first moment, but I wouldn’t let myself face it. Now I have, and I should be glad. If this is how it really was, then there’s nothing for me to grieve about.’
Nothing except the end of an ideal. Neither voiced the thought, but it was there in the air between them.
‘I don’t understand,’ Polly said at last. ‘You’ve been looking at these pictures for days. Why has this happened now?’
‘I don’t know. As you say, I could have seen the truth in her face at any time. I guess I just wasn’t ready before. I ducked and dived, and clung to what I wanted to believe-anything to avoid the reality.’
‘But what do you think the reality is?’ she asked carefully.
‘That I’m a fool who fell victim to a clever woman because he was too stupid and conceited to see through her. She acted as though I were the one she’d spent her life waiting for. The only lover who could satisfy her, the one man who could make her life worth living. Of course I believed her. I was wide open for it. She must have seen me coming for miles.’
His voice was harsh with the scorn and derision he poured on himself. The more he’d believed in his dream, the more contempt and loathing he felt for himself now.
Polly couldn’t bear it. She pulled him into her arms and held him tightly. He clasped her back, as though she were his only refuge. It wasn’t the embrace of a lover, and he seemed completely unconscious of her lightly clad body, but he buried his face against her and she could feel him trembling.
In a sudden passion of tenderness she began to stroke his head. She knew it wasn’t wise, but suddenly wisdom seemed an abomination when set beside his need. If this moment cost her the rest of her life she would pay the price gladly.
Ruggiero didn’t draw away, which emboldened her to lay her cheek against his hair while her hands caressed his body, but only tentatively, half longing for him to sense her, half fearing it.
For a moment she grew still, waiting for his reaction, her heart thumping. If he would only reach for her-
But he didn’t move. His body against hers was heavy and relaxed, his head lying against her shoulder in an attitude of contentment. She dropped her head, letting her lips lie against his hair.
He did not react, and something inside her seemed to hide away, weeping.
‘Don’t…’ she murmured.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Don’t be so hard on yourself.’
‘It’s better if I am. I’ve been easy on myself for too long. Now it’s time to see things clearly. Mio dio! What a coward I’ve been!’
‘You’re not a coward. You just needed time. And you made it. She was holding you trapped. The illusion was turning to poison and it would have destroyed you. Now you’re free.’
‘Free?’ He echoed the word as though trying to understand it. ‘Free.’
It had a hollow sound, as though it resonated only bleakly in his heart.
He drew back and looked at her for a moment.
‘I needed you,’ he said. ‘Thank you.’
But you didn’t notice I was here, she thought sadly. Not really.
CHAPTER EIGHT
WHEN Ruggiero had gone Polly dozed fitfully, unable to sleep properly. Even Sapphire didn’t manage to storm her way in. She tried, but now something was excluding her.
Polly awoke in the morning, wondering if she’d imagined the night before. But her hand could still feel where he’d gripped it in his as he declared his faith in her, and his need. He’d left immediately after that.
Just a handclasp, but it had left her burningly aware of every detail about him. The things she’d been trying not to think of-the strong, hard feel of him, the warmth of his body when it had lain against hers, all the things a good nurse was supposed to ignore-had all come surging back to her.
I’m not going to let this happen, she tried to tell herself. I’m not.
But it had already happened. It was too late to deceive herself about that. Last night she’d given in to weakness, allowing her tenderness to flare briefly into passion. If he’d responded she would have done all in her power to make him want her, to make love with him.
But he hadn’t responded. He hadn’t even been aware of the change in her. She tried to be glad about that, but against her will her flesh was reacting to her memories, growing hot, the skin beginning to tingle with need.
But the need wasn’t just physical. His heart craved the help that only she could give, and it was her nature to be strong, reaching out to those who were vulnerable. If she’d met Ruggiero at any other time, when his macho mask was securely in place, she might not have seen behind it, and then she would never have been drawn to him.
Now he would always appear to her as she’d seen him first-stunned, troubled, cast adrift by events over which he had no control.
And if Sapphire had really been banished, mightn’t there be a vacancy?
Get real! she lectured herself. This hasn’t turned you into a beauty, so don’t think it.
But her inner voice lacked conviction, and she hummed to herself in the shower.
She found Ruggiero in the kitchen.
‘Come and have some breakfast,’ he called, in a voice that was firm and cheerful.
‘Fine, I could do with some,’ she said, matching his tone. ‘Can I help?’
‘No, just sit at that table and I’ll serve you.’
He watched as she went to the table and looked out at the bright harbour, already busy in the morning sun. He was watching for any sign of consciousness on her part, but there was nothing in her voice or her demeanour.
It had been his imagination. He’d lain in her arms, amazed at the sense of peaceful joy that had stolen over him, taking the consolation she’d offered.
But how much had she offered? Had he only imagined the way her hands caressed him, her kiss against his hair? Recently he’d been so plagued by hallucinations that he dreaded to discover this was only another. He’d held still, waiting for her to do or say something that would tell him what to think.
But she’d only said, ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself.’ Kind words, but those of a friend, not a lover.
He’d pulled himself together, swallowing something that felt strangely like disappointment. Now he had to do it again.
‘How are you feeling after that disturbed night?’ he asked, sitting opposite her at the table.
