eyes. How could a man look deep into eyes like that? There was nothing behind them.
He had a feeling of moving through a dream as they toasted each other in champagne and left the restaurant, finding a cab at once. As they sat in the back Jake tried to pull himself together. A man who’d made a decision should get on with it, without hassle. He took her into his arms and she melted against him, all fragrant femininity. How cold her lips were, he thought. He could feel his heart pounding and tried to believe that this was passion, but somehow it didn’t feel right. The lights outside the cab seemed to be whirling past at a tremendous rate. He crushed Olympia to him, pressing his lips against hers in an attitude of urgency.
Olympia lived in an elegant apartment block in one of the more expensive parts of town. As they crossed the vestibule Jake felt soft carpet beneath his feet. The lift was grey and mirrored, with faint piped music overhead.
Her home was like the woman herself: exquisite, modern, with nothing out of place. As soon as the door had closed behind them she slid her arms about him again, murmuring urgently against his mouth.
He did what was expected of him, kissing her fiercely to blot out the absence of anything behind the kiss.
‘Your heart’s thumping,’ she whispered. ‘You really want me, I can tell.’
He made a throaty, inarticulate sound that she could interpret as she pleased. Whatever she thought, his body was dead and empty of desire. Cold sweat stood out on his brow at the thought of backing off a second time.
‘Come with me,’ she murmured against his mouth. ‘I’m going to make this a really special occasion.’
She unzipped her dress and allowed it to fall to the ground. Jake fixed his eyes on her charms, hoping desperately that something would happen soon. But nothing did, even when she pulled off his jacket and began to work on the buttons of his shirt.
She took his hands and guided them to the fastening of her bra. His fingers worked mechanically until the clasp gave and her breasts were free, swelling heavily against his fingers in a way that should have inflamed him to madness. Instead, it was like touching plastic.
After this there would be no way back to Kelly-
Suddenly Jake felt himself falling. He clutched the wall and stared about him, wondering where he was, and what he was doing here with this woman.
‘Jake?’ Olympia’s puzzled voice came from a great distance. ‘Are you all right?’
He wasn’t all right. Nothing would ever be all right again. The whole world was moving now, whirling, spinning him into a void. Everywhere was darkness, but nowhere was the darkness worse than in his mind. His surroundings, the woman he was with, what he’d been about to do, all seemed horribly futile.
Olympia was grasping his shoulders, staring into his face. ‘Jake! Jake, what’s the matter?’
He couldn’t answer. He was shaking violently and now he knew that the pounding of his heart had nothing to do with desire. It was fear, horror. The sound increased until it filled the world, a deafening echo, full of the bleak tones of despair. This was more than the dread of a man trying to make love and discovering that he couldn’t. He was lost in a howling wilderness from which Olympia had no power to rescue him.
He struggled to take deep, gasping breaths, but he was suffocating. It was like being pulled towards a black hole. An immense force was drawing him ever closer to the moment when he would be tossed into the hole for ever, sucked down into madness. He fought as best he could, but he seemed to have no strength left. It was pointless to fight when there was nothing but fear and misery in the whole universe.
Somehow Olympia’s voice penetrated the fog about his consciousness. She was shaking him.
‘What’s the matter with you?’ she demanded. ‘Are you ill? Do you want a doctor?’
‘No,’ he managed to say. ‘Not a doctor.’
He knew who he wanted, but it took all his strength to reach the telephone and dial the number of the one person in the world who could help him.
The phone on the other end began to ring.
The ringing went on and on.
‘Hello?’ Kelly answered.
The relief was so great that he almost passed out. ‘Kelly,’ he said in a croak that sounded nothing like his usual voice.
‘Who is this?’
‘It’s me-Jake-’
‘Jake, whatever’s the matter? Are you ill?’
‘I don’t know,’ he gasped. ‘I’m at Olympia’s apartment-can you come here-please come-I want to get home and I can’t-’ He was heaving for breath again.
‘Of course I’ll come,’ she said at once. ‘But, Jake, can you tell me what’s happened?’
‘I don’t know what’s happened,’ he whispered. ‘But get here quickly.’
He dropped the phone and leaned back against the wall, shaking in every limb. Olympia had followed the conversation with outrage.
‘Whatever’s come over you?’ she asked, taking him by the shoulders and giving him a shake.
‘I have to go home. Sorry, Olympia. I’m not-very good company-tonight-’
‘It’s not your fault,’ she said in a voice of concern. ‘You tried to do too much too soon.’
‘Right,’ he muttered, hardly knowing what he said.
‘You’re still worse than we thought.’
‘Right.’ He would agree to anything if only Kelly would arrive soon.
‘I think you should go back to the hospital,’ she said firmly.
‘Not-hospital-Kelly.’ He gasped the words out, one by one.
‘Come and sit down.’ She steered him to the sofa, where he almost collapsed.
Olympia left him for a moment while she collected her scattered clothes and vanished into her bedroom. While there she made a phone call.
Jake stared at something on the floor, wondering what it was and what he was supposed to do with it. At last it registered as his shirt, which he must have discarded some time before. He couldn’t remember it. Using all his concentration he lifted it and put it back on. The effort exhausted him and he slumped on the sofa, fixing his attention on the wall opposite. If he watched the pattern hard enough he could avoid thinking about the monster that was fighting to break out of its cage in his mind.
It was strange how perfectly regular the pattern was-one, two, three-how long would it take her to get here?- four, five, six-when had he phoned her? He’d lost track of time-seven, eight, nine-but, please God, let her be here soon?
He reached the end of the row and started again. One, two, three-how would she come? In a cab?-four, five, six-it was such a distance-such a vast distance from Kelly to Olympia-an unbridgeable distance-why did he think of that now? Seven, eight, nine-
He kept his eyes closed, trying to shield his inner self from Olympia’s curious gaze. There was only one person he trusted to see deeply into his heart and soul, but she wasn’t here. She had promised to come to him, but where was she? The monster was growing stronger, smashing against the bars, threatening him with unspeakable horrors. If she didn’t get here in time…
The doorbell broke into his terrors. His forehead was damp with relief. Now everything would be all right.
But it wasn’t Kelly. It was two men in grey sweaters and trousers.
‘Are you the lady who called the ambulance?’ one of them asked Olympia.
‘That’s right.’
‘What the devil have you done?’ Jake demanded harshly. ‘Who asked you to call anyone?’
‘Darling, you need help.’
‘And I’ll get it when Kelly arrives.’
‘I mean real professional help.’
Jake turned on the two men, gasping. ‘Who are you and where do you come from?’
‘Forest Glades,’ one of them said. ‘The best private rest home in the business.’
