The Wedding Arrangement

‘I keep thinking that if only I could turn time back, and stop it in the right place-’ she whispered.

‘I know, I know-’

‘I try and try, but it goes on without me, and there’s nothing I can do.’

‘There never is,’ he said sadly. ‘Finality is the hardest thing to accept. There’s nothing to be done, and you can beat yourself senseless trying.’

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘But being senseless would be a relief. It’s remembering that’s torture.’

‘What do the others in the family say? Surely they don’t blame you?’

‘They don’t know. Nobody knows.’

‘Dear God!’ he whispered, appalled by her isolation.

‘Nobody else heard what we said. Several people saw him chase me down the stairs and out into the road, but they didn’t know we were quarrelling. They think he was trying catch me up because I’d forgotten something, or he wanted to give me a final kiss. I’ve never been able to tell Netta the truth, not just for my own sake, I swear it, but because it would add to her pain. She can just about cope with thinking it was an accident-’

‘It was an accident.’

‘No, it wasn’t,’ she said with bitter self-condemnation. ‘It happened because I was angry and cruel and-’

‘Stop it!’ he said fiercely. ‘Stop it, don’t talk like that. You’re not to blame. It was just one of those terrible flips of the coin that happen without warning. It destroyed him, but it’s come near to destroying you, too.’

‘Yes,’ she agreed bleakly. ‘Sometimes I look at Netta and wonder what she’d think if she knew the truth. She’s kind to me and I want to tell her that I don’t deserve it.’

‘But you do. You deserve kindness and love and everything that’s good. How can I convince you?’

She didn’t answer for a long time, and then she simply repeated, ‘He’ll never know,’ in a broken whisper. ‘I’ve tried to tell him so often since. Just before the funeral I saw him in his coffin and I told him that I loved him and I was sorry, but it was no use. It wasn’t him. He was cold and grey like a waxwork and I couldn’t see my Gianni because he’d gone somewhere I couldn’t follow.’

A memory came back to him.

‘That day when I saw you at his grave-’

‘We go there on anniversaries, his birthday, the day he died-I’d rather go alone but Netta likes it to be a family party.’

‘Yes, I remember, it almost looked like a party. The boys were telling him jokes.’

‘That’s how it is. Gianni’s still one of the family. They talk as though he were there. They still love him, like they still love me, and I feel such a fraud.’

‘And when you all went away, you turned to look back at him, and I saw your face. Everything you’ve just told me was there, only I didn’t understand.’

‘I knew you’d seen me, with the truth written all over me, and I hated you for it.’

‘Don’t hate me,’ he begged. ‘Minnie don’t-don’t, please-’

‘How can I ever hate you? I’ve trusted you with something that nobody else in the world knows, and I still don’t understand why.’

She spoke like a puzzled child and he knew a sudden surge of protectiveness.

‘Because you know in your heart that you can trust me,’ he said. ‘I’m your friend, and I won’t let you down. I’m here to take care of you.’

‘It’s supposed to be me looking after you,’ she said, changing her position so that she could prop herself on her elbows and look directly at him.

Her face was still ravaged, and running with tears that she no longer seemed to notice. He stroked his fingers tentatively over her cheeks.

‘We’ll have to look after each other,’ he said fondly, ‘in different ways.’

‘Can I get you anything before you settle down for the night?’ she asked. She gave a little choke and tried to pull herself together.

‘No, I’m all right. The pills are working now. But what about you? I don’t think you’re all right.’

‘I’m fine, honestly. Sorry I made such a fuss.’

‘You’re not making a fuss. Your whole life is going to be ruined if we can’t make this go away.’

‘It’ll never go away,’ she said simply. ‘It’ll always be there, and the only way I can cope is to live with it.’

‘But live with it how? By being overwhelmed with guilt? Minnie, you can’t spend your life atoning for something that wasn’t your fault.’

‘Why not? His life was taken away from him because of me. What right do I have to a life?’

‘Or to happiness?’ he asked angrily. ‘Or to love? His life was his life, and it’s over. You can’t prolong it by sacrificing the rest of yours.’

She shook her head and tried to pull away, but he held on to her.

‘Minnie-’

‘Let me go, I shouldn’t have told you.’

‘Yes, you should, because I’m the one person who can let the light of day into this. Trust me, Minnie!’

His voice was commanding and imploring at the same time, because something told him they were at a turning point and everything hung on this moment. She had turned to him but now she was turning away, and he knew he mustn’t let it happen.

Suddenly she went limp, as though all the fight had gone out of her, and he was able to draw her against him again.

‘Stay here,’ he said, commanding now. ‘You don’t need to fetch me anything, so stay with me.’

‘All right,’ she said in a muffled voice. ‘Just for a few minutes.’

He could feel her body relaxing against him, as though she’d just found something she was waiting for, and in another moment she was asleep.

For a while he listened to her steady breathing, scarcely daring to hope that she had finally found a little peace. He wished he could see her face, but it was enough that she lay there, content and unafraid, in his arms.

He could almost have laughed to think how he’d yearned to have her in his bed, her body pressed against his. Now he had his wish, while at the same time being further away from it than ever. Yet he’d been granted something else, infinitely more sweet and precious, and full of hope.

His good arm ached from being trapped in one position, but nothing would have made him move and disturb her. So he stayed as he was, drifting slowly off to sleep, until he awoke in the small hours to find that the arm was numb, and she hadn’t moved by so much as an inch.

Minnie’s first sight on waking was the window of her bedroom, just as it had always been. But as memory came back she realised that she was in the wrong place. She should be sleeping in the spare room.

Only then did she become aware of Luke’s body pressed against hers, his warmth reaching her through the thickness of the duvet that was between them, his good arm beneath her, his bad arm covering her protectively.

Moving carefully, she raised herself and turned, to find him regarding her from sleepy eyes, just as she’d last seen him before she’d fallen asleep. It was as though he hadn’t slept at all, but had spent the night watching over her.

‘Are you all right?’ were his first words.

‘Yes, I’m fine,’ she said, realising that it was true. ‘Goodness, is that the time?’

It was seven in the morning. Reluctantly, she disentangled herself and rose from the bed, wandering out of the room, too preoccupied to think where she was going. She realised that she was still fully dressed, and memories of the night before began to come back to her.

She had brought him home to look after him, but somehow he’d ended up looking after her. He’d done what nobody else could do, had drawn her agonising secret from her into the light of day, had given her a feeling of peace and strength that she hadn’t known for four years.

But it was more than that. In his arms she’d slept like a baby, with no dreams, and this morning she felt well and strong. A healing had begun in her, and that it should be Luke, of all people, who’d brought it about, filled her with wonder.

Most wondrous of all was the fact that he’d held her all night without making a single move that couldn’t have been made by a brother, or a nurse. She’d been deeply asleep, but instinct told her that she’d been safe and