going to like anything about this, but there was nothing else he could do.
It was an odd sensation, under the circumstances, to be more afraid for Justin than for the baby. But she kept watching him, with her eyes-with her heart. And whether it made logical sense or not, she understood that something was at stake for Justin-something more than the baby, something more than he’d known how to tell her.
And he was right. Nothing about the procedures he tried was pretty, but it was only a few minutes later when the baby suddenly choked and gagged and furiously coughed. And then it was done. Justin eased the little one to his shoulder, patting, whispering, soothing, looking at Winona with wet eyes.
“You tell our daughter
Winona wanted her arms around Angel, but deliberately let Justin keep holding her. She did the running, changing the sheets, throwing out everything that had been in the crib earlier in case the stuffing could have contaminated anything else. By the time the sheets were clean and the light turned off, it was past midnight; Justin had redressed the baby in a warm sleeper, and Angel was hard-core snoozing. He laid her in the crib, but both felt the same reluctance to leave her. They both stood there, watching.
Fifteen minutes later they were both still standing, weaving-tired, still watching the baby, even though Justin had said three times that there was really no longer any reason to worry.
“And she’s sleeping like a log,” Winona agreed. “Come on, this is silly. It’s time for both of us to lie down ourselves and get some sleep.”
“You go. I’ll watch for just a little while longer.”
“No, you.”
“No, you.”
At two in the morning, Winona woke up in the rocking chair next to the baby’s crib…and immediately saw Justin next to her in the second rocking chair she’d carted in earlier. His neck looked as cramped as hers felt, his face as tired and drawn as hers must look.
Her mouth softly tipped into a smile, looking at him. He loved her. And he loved Angel. Whatever had been wrong with him earlier in the week, Winona knew positively what the truth was now.
His eyelashes shot up, as if sensing that she was awake and studying him. Just as swiftly, he jerked to his feet and immediately bent over the baby, assessing Angel’s happy, little breathy snores, before he could relax and plunk back down in the rocker again.
He rubbed a weary hand over his face. “She really is okay, Winona. This is nuts. We both need to get some serious sleep.”
“I know,” she agreed, but she didn’t move any more than he did. In the dark room, she kept seeing shadows and silhouettes, until the thoughts chasing around her mind finally took shape. “With all this trauma going on, I never had a chance to tell you, Justin. There’s no reason that you have to marry me anymore.”
“What?”
“I found out who Angel’s mother is.”
He swallowed, then stood up from the rocking chair and simply took her hand. In the dark, silent living room, he wrapped a throw around her shoulders and then hunkered down next to her on the couch. “Okay. Now tell me the whole story.”
“She was at the Texas Cattleman’s Club ball. One of the guests. Herb Newton’s wife, Alicia. Herb was on sabbatical in the Far East. She was pregnant last year, but then about the time the baby was supposed to be born, she told her neighbors and family that the child was stillborn, that she’d lost it. She had a midwife instead of going to the hospital. The midwife backed up what she said. Herb wasn’t part of the birth process. She told him the same thing, that the baby had died.”
“But I take it that you found out that she lied?”
Winona nodded. “Yes. The midwife took the baby for the first couple of months. The midwife was caught in the middle of the story, wanting to help Alicia, but not knowing what to do. The problem was that Herb was physically abusive. He didn’t stop knocking Alicia around during the pregnancy, which made her afraid that he’d hurt the baby as well. In fact, she was positive he’d hurt the baby. So she asked the midwife to put Angel on my doorstep.”
“God.” His voice communicated a wealth of emotion. The fingertips brushing back her hair communicated even more. Her pulse bucked. With love and hope. But there were still things she needed to say.
“Alicia was just one of the leads I was tracking down. But when I caught up with her this afternoon, it all came out. It’s not going to be simple, Justin, as far as Angel’s future.”
“Why?”
“Because she’s afraid Herb will kill her if he finds out the baby is alive. She doesn’t want the child. At all. It’s going to be all she can do for a long time to get herself a divorce, get out of that relationship and start a life over again. But if Herb finds out the child is alive, she’s also afraid that he’ll demand custody-and because he’s the blood father, she’s afraid that he could both get it and force Alicia to live with him again-either that or risk him hurting the child.”
“What a mess,” Justin said quietly.
“Yeah. And that’s the point-that it can’t be solved legally, at least not for a while. If Alicia gets what she wants, she’s going to give the child up for adoption, specifically to me. Or to us.” She met his eyes. “But the real point is- there’s no reason for you to marry me, just to enable me to foster or adopt Angel. We know the child’s situation now. It’s going to take a while to fight this out in the courts. But no marriage is going to help or hurt my keeping Angel. The real legal problems are between Alicia and her husband.”
“Win, I wasn’t marrying you for Angel’s sake.”
“I didn’t think you were, either. But you sure ducked out when it came down to setting a marriage date-as if you really weren’t that serious. You hurt me, Doc.”
The lines in his face all tensed with anxiety. “That was never what I wanted to happen. Never. And I always wanted to marry you, Win, for years. From the first time I saw you, and you were twelve and kicking every boy in the shins who dared to say ‘hi’ to you. God. You were so stubborn. So mean. So full of courage-”
“Quit complimenting me, you turkey, and tell me why you hurt me.”
“I didn’t want to. I didn’t mean to.”
“Justin-that isn’t good enough.”
Silence fell between them, raw and tense. He looked away, then down, then straight into her eyes. “It was about suddenly realizing…that maybe I wasn’t the man you thought I was.”
She laid her hand on top of his, her left hand, so he could see the engagement ring shining softly in the shadows. And then she clipped their fingers together, tight, so he had something to hold on to.
“I lost so many patients in Bosnia. In trauma medicine, you lose patients sometimes. That’s how it is. Always. A fight, a war, against death. Emergency rooms are messy, imperfect places, where sometimes you only have a split second to make a life-or-death decision. It’s impossible. But…Win, I swear that I believed I was good at it.”
She clutched his hand tighter.
“But there was no medicine over there. Sometimes no electricity. No light, no water, no facilities, no drugs. You’d get patients that should have been saved. Men who never had to die. Children in terrible pain. And there was nothing I could do. Nothing.”
If she could have bled for him, she would have. For so long, she’d known there was a reason for that wounded loneliness in his eyes. The emotion that didn’t show. The way he fooled people about the kind of man he was. And she’d known he had secrets, because everyone did. But she didn’t know it’d break her heart to hear his pain.
“I thought I was a stronger man. But I came home from Bosnia and I got the shakes at the idea of seeing another patient die. So I switched medical fields. I see pain, but it’s almost always something I can do something about. And no one’s died on me. I thought the change was a good choice, but on the inside, it’s just been sitting in here-” he thumbed his chest “-that I let myself down. Let others down. I wasn’t the man I wanted to be. The man I thought I once was.”
“Damn you, Doc.” So much for holding hands. She reached for him. “You’re so stupid. And I love you so much.” She framed his face, tight, so that she could smack a kiss on him. A hard, mean, possessive kiss, not a sweet one. Yet somehow so much love poured into that kiss that she felt tears bunching in her eyes like salty thunder clouds. “You’re ten times any ordinary man, you cretin. Did you think you could do everything?”
“No. But…I just didn’t realize how much the whole thing had weighed on my conscience. Until we started
