I could hear the monkey squealing, having fun, I guess. This was about eight o’clock, so the market was packed and everyone was laughing. I didn’t know if the thing would bite or whatever. I thought about grabbing my gun and defending myself, but there were too many people around, plus I didn’t want to kill the llama. We ran up and down the aisles, all over the market, people were laughing, the monkey was squealing, it was awful.”
Judge Yeck raised a file to partially cover his face and hide the fact that he was about to burst out laughing. Theo glanced around the room and everyone was amused.
“It’s not funny, Judge,” Buck said.
“Continue.”
“Well, it all came to an end when I fell down. I stumbled in front of Butch Tucker’s watermelon stand, and before I could get up the llama bent down and spit at me. It missed my face but got my shirt wet. Butch is here if you want to verify this.”
Butch raised his hand. “It’s all true, Judge. I was there,” he said with a grinning face.
“Thank you. Continue, please.”
Buck was breathing hard and his face had turned red. He said, “Well, I finally got to my feet and I was ready to slug the llama, and maybe the monkey, too, when Frankie came running up with a stick and shooed the llama away. I guess it went back to its spot. I don’t know. I was too upset. You gotta do something, Judge. I have the right to do my job without being attacked.”
“Anything more?”
“I guess not. That’s all for now.”
“Any cross-examination, Mr. Boone?”
Theo decided it would be best for his client to tell her side of the story. He knew from experience that Judge Yeck did not like the usual courtroom procedures. “Let’s hear from Miss Petunia,” he said.
“A good idea. Miss Petunia, please give us your version.”
Miss Petunia jumped to her feet, ready to defend Lucy.
“You can keep your seat,” the judge said.
“I prefer to stand,” she said.
“Then please stand.”
“Thank you, Judge. All of what he said is true, but he left out a few things. Llamas spit when they feel threatened or harassed, and they do so as a means of defense, to protect themselves. They don’t bite and they don’t kick. They are very peaceful animals who’ve been around for thousands of years. They’re from the same family as the camel, did you know that, Judge?”
“I did not.”
“Well, they are, and they’re hard working, loyal, and easy to care for. I’ve had Lucy for twelve years, and she pulls my wagon to the market every Saturday morning at sunrise. My car is tiny, and I can’t use it to haul my flowers and herbs, so Lucy does it for me.”
Judge Yeck held up a hand, looked at Theo, and asked, “Is it legal for a llama to pull a wagon on city streets?”
Theo replied, “Yes, sir. There is no ordinance against it.”
“Where does this llama live?”
“In my backyard,” Miss Petunia said. “I have a big backyard.”
“Does the city allow llamas to be kept at private homes?”
Theo replied, “No, Your Honor. However, Miss Petunia does not live in the city. Her home is just outside the city limits, in the county, and the county does not prohibit a llama from living in her backyard.”
“Thank you, Counselor. Please continue, Miss Petunia.”
“A few months ago, Lucy and I were going home after the market was over, and we were stopped by a patrol car. Two policemen got out and started asking questions. They accused us of blocking traffic and other nonsense, but I think they were just curious. It really upset Lucy. She felt threatened.”
“Did she spit on them?” Judge Yeck asked.
“No, sir.”
“How often does she spit on people?”
“It rarely happens, Judge. About a year ago, the guy who reads the electric meters came around the house and wouldn’t leave her alone. She got him. He was wearing a uniform of sorts. You see, Judge, I don’t think Lucy likes large men in uniforms. She feels threatened by them. She’s never spat on a woman or a child, or a man who was not in a uniform.”
“A gold star for her.”
“And Mr. Boland here has not been that kind to her. He’s stopped by several times, throwing his weight around, trying to tell me that Lucy needed to be on a leash, or kept in a certain place, stuff like that. He thinks he’s in charge of the entire market. He gets part of the blame for this.”
“That’s not true, Your Honor,” Buck said. However, anyone who watched Buck in uniform knew immediately that he was proud of his authority.
“We’re not going to bicker. Are you finished, Miss Petunia?”
“I guess.”
“All right. Mr. Boland, what, exactly, do you want me to do?”
“Well, Judge, I think she should keep her llama at home, in the backyard, where it can’t spit on people or attack them in public.”
Theo said, “But, Judge, she has to get her flowers and herbs to market, and there’s no law against using her llama to pull her wagon. It would be unfair to require my client to keep Lucy at home.”
“Maybe, but something must be done, Mr. Boone,” Judge Yeck said. “We can’t allow an animal like this to spit on people. Mr. Boland has the right to do his job without the fear of being assaulted by a llama. Do you agree, Mr. Boone?”
“Yes, I do, and on behalf of my client, I offer an apology to Mr. Boland for Lucy’s actions.” Apologies meant a lot to Judge Yeck, and Theo had insisted that they offer one. Miss Petunia was against the idea, but Theo prevailed.
Buck nodded his acceptance but was not satisfied.
“You got a plan, Mr. Boone?” Judge Yeck asked.
Theo stood and addressed the judge. “Let’s try this. Next Saturday morning, Mr. Boland here swaps places with the other guard, Frankie, and Frankie is instructed to stay as far away from Lucy as possible, and still do his job. If Lucy goes after Frankie, then we will agree to take more drastic measures.”
“Such as?”
“Your Honor, Lucy has never been on a leash, but my client will give it a try. Miss Petunia feels confident that she can talk to Lucy about this and convince her not to be so aggressive with large men in uniforms.”
“How big is Frankie?” Judge Yeck asked Buck.
“A shrimp.”
“Miss Petunia talks to Lucy?” Judge Yeck asked Theo.
Miss Petunia stood too and said, “Oh, yes, Judge. We chat all the time. Lucy is very intelligent. I think I can convince her to stop the spitting.”
“Mr. Boland, what do you think of this idea?”
Buck realized he was not getting what he wanted, not on this day anyway, so he shrugged and said, “I’ll give it a try. I’m not looking for trouble, Judge. But it’s pretty embarrassing.”
“I’m sure it is. We’ll proceed with the plan, and if it doesn’t work, we’ll be back here next week. Agreed?”
Everyone agreed and nodded along.
“Animal Court is adjourned,” Judge Yeck said.
Chapter 15
As soon as Theo left the courthouse, reality returned. For a short while, he had been able to forget his
