“Sorry we’re late,” Dana trilled, plopping her purse down on the kitchen counter. She gave No Neck a cursory glance, then deposited a kiss on Sasha’s cheek.
No Neck’s eyes narrowed.
“We are waiting with roommate. He let us in. We wait a long time for you,” Sasha chided. Then he looked down at Dana’s higher-than-a-kite hemline. “But is worth the wait.”
No Neck’s eyes narrowed further.
“Sorry, we had a little emergency. Maddie,” she said, dragging me into the room by the hand. “This is Micha, Sasha’s friend.”
Micha stood up to shake my hand. I felt a bubble of laughter escape my lips. The top of his head only came to my chin.
Micha stuck out his hand, and smiled until his face was all teeth. “I do it on top.”
I blinked. Okay, way too much information for a first date. I looked from Dana to the overly friendly midget. “Please tell me he didn’t just say what I think he said.”
“Micha’s the top of the pyramid,” Dana quickly explained.
“Yes.” Micha nodded. “I do it on top.”
Uhn. Mental forehead smacking.
Micha sat back down, patting the sofa beside him. I sat down, sliding as far to the other end as possible.
“I like new dress you wear,” Sasha said, still eyeing Dana’s outfit like an Atkins dieter with a Krispy Kreme.
“Oh, thanks, honey.” She glanced in No Neck’s direction. “The old
Sasha nodded, his neck getting all veiny again. “Is good. Make boob look very curvy.”
No Neck’s eyes became tiny slits.
“So, Micha, Maddie’s a shoe designer,” Dana said, still obviously trying to play matchmaker to my underfed libido.
Micha looked down at my fuzzy slippers.
“Not these,” I clarified. “Children’s shoes.”
“Ah.” He nodded.
“Only the Strawberry Shortcake high tops I was working on say ‘bitch’ all over them now, because Greenway’s mistress broke into my apartment and hit me on the head, so they’re not really child friendly anymore.” For future reference, I apparently tend to babble both when I’m nervous
Micha gave me a concerned look. Then scooted further toward his end of the sofa.
“Dana,” I prodded. “Didn’t you have something to tell them?” I gestured to the pyramid twins.
“Right.” She cleared her throat. “Guys, Maddie’s not really feeling well tonight, so we’re going to have cancel. Sorry.”
Sasha’s face fell. Micha looked a little relieved, still glancing at my fuzzy slippers.
“When I see you again?” Sasha asked. “You come out tomorrow night? We have date then? Go very fancy restaurant?”
“Aw, isn’t that sweet,” Dana said. “I love how some men,” she glanced in No Neck’s direction again, “aren’t afraid to
“Sasha a fear of nothing,” Sasha said and I swear he was about to thump his chest like Tarzan. “Sasha love date with Dana. Love my little curvy boob.”
“All right that’s it!” No Neck stood up, his sudden break from silence shocking us all into immobility. “Dana, you can’t possibly be serious about this guy? Did he just call you curvy boob?”
Dana did a hands on hips pose. “It’s better than ball and chain.”
“He’s a meat head!”
“You’re a commitmentphobe!”
“Shhhh,” I pleaded, “concussion.”
Unfortunately, no one paid me any attention.
“Me?” No Neck countered. “You’re the one who jumps into bed with anything that happens to cross your path. And I may not see the point of freezing a bunch of damn flowers from some damn wedding, but at least I have the decency to wait until we’re in bed to talk about your boobs.”
Sasha stood up. “You go to bed with roommate?” he asked, looking from Dana to No Neck.
I put a hand to my temple. I think it was going to explode.
Dana looked from one testosterone machine to the other. “Um, no. Yes. I mean, maybe once. Or twice.”
“Five times,” No Neck corrected. “Five times in one night. Beat that, Pyramid Boy.”
“You challenge Sasha?” He balled his fists, taking a step toward No Neck.
No Neck narrowed his eyes. “Maybe I am.”
Dana glanced from one pair of flared nostrils to the other. Then gave me a pleading look. “Maddie?”
I sighed, standing up and positioning myself behind Sasha. “Maybe we should all just calm down a little,” I said.
Of course, being that they had already engaged their instinctive male combat modes, I was completely ignored. Sasha took a step towards No Neck. No Neck balled his hand into a fist, cocking it backwards. I watched in slow motion as Micha jumped off the sofa, Dana screamed, Sasha ducked and No Neck’s fist came into contact with my right eye.
“Uhn.” I groaned and fell backwards into the midget.
“Ohmigod! Look what you did, you… you… Neanderthal!” Dana yelled, rushing to my aid as she and Micha half lifted, half dragged me onto the sofa.
My vision was going fuzzy but I think I saw No Neck blinking rapidly as he stood with his mouth hanging open. “He ducked. I didn’t mean to hit her. Hell, I wouldn’t hit a girl.”
“Very bad hitting girl. You no honor.” Sasha clucked his tongue and shook his head at No Neck.
“It’s your fault!” No Neck shouted. “You ducked.”
“Shut up, both of you,” Dana yelled, throwing them both the death look.
“Would somebody please get the girl some ice?” I croaked out, feeling my eye start to swell. With any luck it would swell shut and I wouldn’t have to look at myself in the mirror tomorrow. Because I had a sinking feeling it wasn’t going to be pretty.
No Neck grabbed a bag of frozen edamame from the freezer and Dana stuck it on my eye. I cringed, wishing I was on something stronger than Advil. Like Vicodin. Or tequila.
Dana banished No Neck to his room, then ushered the Russian duo out the door. Sasha looked reluctantly at Dana’s skirt (or lack thereof) but conceded as she none too gently slammed the door behind them.
I closed my eyes and leaned my head back on the sofa, wondering what exactly I’d done to deserve this. Was it because I hadn’t gone to mass since Easter? Because I was lusting after Ramirez? Was my mother right? Did God have it in for me now?
Dana sat down on the sofa beside me and blew out a long breath. “How’s your eye?”
“I’m afraid to look.”
Dana pulled the edamame away and inspected. She cringed. “It’s not
“Dana, you’re a terrible liar.” I covered it with the frozen soy again, wondering if maybe I could just hibernate in Dana’s bedroom for the rest of the summer.
“I’m so sorry about that,” Dana said. “Men suck.”
“No kidding.”
“That’s it, I’m off men. The whole lot of them. I’ve got my Rabbit Pearl, what do I need a man for anyway?”
At the moment I had to agree. A battery powered rabbit seemed like a far less complicated way to live. At least rabbits didn’t slug you.
Dana diligently woke me every two hours throughout the night. Which was a great way to make sure I didn’t
