Uh oh.
“Where?” I asked, truly fearing the answer.
“Beefcakes.”
The fear was justified.
“Beefcakes?”
“It’s full of…” Mom leaned in close, whispering. “Male strippers.” She wiggled her eyebrows up and down in a way that made me queasy again.
“You sure you don’t want to have a spa day with the girls instead?” I pleaded.
“Oh come on, Maddie. Lighten up. It’ll be fun. Besides, I’m getting married, I’m not dead. I can still appreciate the male form in all its glory.”
Yep. I was going to throw up.
“Oh, and we need a final count for the reception. I only ordered one tent for the buffet so I only pray it doesn’t rain.” Mom made a little sign of the cross.
“This is L.A., Mom. It never rains.” Slight exaggeration on my part, but since Los Angelinos considered three inches a monsoon, we were probably pretty safe. Not to mention this was July. The weather gods wouldn’t dare dump rain in the middle of tourist season. Charlton Heston would be after them with his shotgun.
“So,” Mom asked, scanning the patrons behind me, “where’s Richard.”
That’s what I’d like to know.
“He couldn’t make it tonight,” I answered instead. Hoping she’d leave it at that. I still wasn’t sure what to think about Mr. Armed and Dangerous in Richard’s apartment, but I knew I didn’t yet have an edited-for-Mom version.
“Oh that’s too bad,” she said.
Luckily I was saved further comment on my boyfriend’s dubious whereabouts as an aproned waiter brought three plates of salad to the table.
“What’s this?” I asked, realizing I hadn’t eaten since this morning and was suddenly famished.
“Ripe summer pears and crumbled gorgonzola over fresh baby greens,” Mom quoted.
I took a bite. Delicious. Okay, so maybe I had to hear about the dreaded bachelorette party, but at least this beat the Hamburger Helper sitting in my kitchen cupboard.
I was stabbing a second pear and making little yummy sounds when Ralph finally joined us. He stooped down and deposited a kiss on my cheek before taking the seat beside me. “Sorry ladies, I had to take that. Perm emergency.”
“Perm emergency?” Mom asked.
“I told Francine not to re-color her hair for forty-eight hours after her set, but did she listen to me? No. Now she looks like an auburn haired French Poodle. She’s coming in tomorrow morning for damage control.”
Mom and I both nodded appropriately.
“So,” Mom said, folding her hands in front of her and sitting up straighter in her chair. “Now that you’re both here, I have an announcement.” She looked pointedly at me. “Guess who’s pregnant?”
A ripe summer pear stuck in my throat.
There was no way she could possibly know, could she? Was I showing a belly already? Were my boobs swelling? Did I have that rosy pregnant glow? I knew I should have powdered in the car before coming in.
Luckily before I could blurt out that I was just a little late, Mom ended the guessing game. “Molly!”
I swallowed the pear, relief washing over me. Of course. My cousin, Molly. Or as she was known in our family, The Breeder. She’d already popped out three rug rats in four years. I think she was going for some sort of record. Which of course made my grandmother very happy. There’s nothing an Irish Catholic family loves more than a prolific breeder.
“That’s really great,” I said with about as much enthusiasm as a lithium addict.
“Great? It’s fabu!” Faux Dad shouted.
Okay, so I was 80% sure he was straight.
“Oh,” he said, waving his hands in the air, “One of my clients does the most darling little baby baskets. She takes a bassinet and fills it with organic teddy bears and hand knitted little booties. Stuff so sweet it makes your teeth rot.”
“Oh, that sounds perfect! We have to get her one of those,” Mom gushed. “What do you say, Maddie? Want to go baby shopping with me?”
Actually I didn’t. In fact this whole conversation was making me break out in hives. The more I thought about Molly and her three and a half little munchkins, hand knitted baby booties, and most of all the unopened pregnancy kit sitting on my kitchen counter I wanted to bolt out of the room and scream some choice obscenities at my boyfriend for buying defective condoms. Only I couldn’t. Because I had no idea where Richard was and more likely than not I’d just be leaving more messages on his answering machine that Mr. Nobody would later play for his own personal amusement.
“Hey, aren’t we missing someone?” Faux Dad asked, looking across the table at the empty seat. “Where’s Richard?”
That, as I was about to find out, was the million dollar question.
Chapter Three
Somehow I survived dinner even with Faux Dad getting all googly eyed at the thought of a new baby and Mom getting all googly eyed at the thought of shoving twenties in some young stud’s G-string. I still wasn’t sure which scenario made me more nauseated.
I took the 405 home, checking the entire way for signs of bad guys, and slowly climbed the flight of stairs to my studio apartment, where I promptly collapsed on my velvet upholstered futon. I didn’t even glance in the direction of the EPT. Much. Instead, I called Richard’s machine one more time for good measure. I didn’t mention that I’d been there earlier or the man with the gun.
I flipped on
The next morning I awoke with a renewed sense of purpose. It appeared I wasn’t the only one looking for Richard, which meant I had to step up the search. I was his girlfriend, which theoretically meant I should have the edge, knowing him better than anyone. The trouble was Richard and I mostly just did couple stuff when we were together – dinner and a movie at the Dome, cruising the Venice boardwalk hand in hand, snuggling under the stars on symphony night at the Hollywood Bowl. Honestly, I didn’t really know any of his friends and now that I was thinking about it, I didn’t really know what he did outside of “us” time either. It was a troubling thought.
So, I started with the short list of people in Richard’s life I did know. Namely, his mother. The only problem was I didn’t know her number, and didn’t even know her first name to call information. Chances were good it was back at Richard’s condo somewhere, but after the run in with Mr. Nobody that wasn’t a place I was especially looking forward to visiting again.
That left Richard’s office. I knew he kept a complete address book on his palm pilot and another on his computer at work. The only obstacle to getting that would be Jasmine. But I was confident I could come up with some way to get around her. The woman had the IQ of a squash.
So, I put on my kick butt clothes. Black DKNY cargos, ice blue baby T, and my prize black two-inch Jimmy Choos with the rhinestone details. I capped it all off with some thick, black eyeliner and I could have doubled for a Bond Girl.
I parked in the garage and by nine-fifteen I was standing in front of Jasmine’s desk pleading my case.
“I think I left my cell phone in one of the conference rooms last time I was here. Can I go in and get it? Please? I’ll just be a minute.”
Predictably Jasmine was enjoying this, her penciled in eyebrows twitching with amusement. “I’m sorry. But I can’t let you go in there.”
“Please? I’d ask Richard, but I can’t seem to get a hold of him. Really, I’ll be super quick.”
