Undercover In High Heels

“You’ve heard of it?”

“Ohmigod, are you freaking kidding?Only daily on Entertainment Tonight. It’s, like, the hottest show on TV. These are no minor celebs. The star, Mia Carletto, was up for an Emmy last year. Wow, you actually get to meet Mia Carletto. You should be thanking me!”

His eyes narrowed again. Apparently he didn’t watch as much TV as I did.

“So, what will you be doing? Will you get to hang out with the cast? Go to parties with them? Ohmigod-are you going to the Emmys?”

Ramirez muttered, “Jesus, ” under his breath, then took a step back and rubbed a hand through his hair until it stood up in little tufts. “No, I’m not going to the Emmys. Miss Carletto has been getting threatening letters and her publicist just happens to be my captain’s daughter-in-law. So, lucky me, I’m supposed to keep an eye on the set until we find out where they’re coming from.”

“Ohmigod, I heard about those letters on Access Hollywood. That is so cool!”

Ramirez gave me a look.

“Well, I mean, not cool that she’s getting threatening letters, but so cool that you’ll get to meet her. Oh, oh-do you think you could get me on the set? Just to get an autograph?”

“No!” Ramirez yelled loudly enough to make my downstairs neighbor peek through her chintz curtains at us. He rubbed another hand through his hair, then spoke through gritted teeth. “No, I don’t want you anywhere near that set, do you hear me? I don’t want you anywhere near my work. Ever again. Thanks to you, a cranked-up felon is tooling around L.A. in a stolen car and I’m on Hollyweird detail. I want you as far away from me as possible. Got it?”

Ouch. Apparently my boyfriend-wait, friend-thought I was a total jinx. A less confident girl might start to take this personally. “I said I was sorry. I mean, really, really sorry. I never meant for this to happen. I just…I mean, when I heard your message…I kind of…”

“Freaked out?” he supplied.

I nodded. “Major freakout. I’m so, so sorry, ” I said again, honestly meaning it.

Ramirez must have noticed, because his face softened. He reached one hand out and lightly brushed the backs of his knuckles against my cheek. “I have to admit, ” he said, “the jealous thing? Kind of cute.”

I sniffed. “Cute, huh?”

He nodded. “Very. And it’s a damn good thing, too, ’cause you’re a whole lot of trouble.”

“I know. I’m amazingly sorry, ” I said again, hoping that if I said it enough times maybe I could make this whole thing just go away.

“I know, ” he whispered, his eyes starting to do that sexy, glazed-over thing as they roved my face.

His hand trailed around to the nape of my neck, his fingers lightly massaging there until I felt myself break out in goose bumps, sending a tingle straight down my spine. He leaned in close. I could smell the scent of Ivory and Tide as his lips brushed mine. The tingle turned into an all-out quiver as our tongues touched.

Suddenly my insides were gooier than a Snickers bar in the hands of a first-grader.

“So, does this mean I’m forgiven?” I mumbled onto his lips.

He leaned back and raised one dark eyebrow. “Forgiven is a strong word.”

“Maybe I can make it up to you?” I said coyly, trailing one finger down the center of his chest.

The other eyebrow shot up. “What did you have in mind?”

“Oh, I don’t know…” I slid my hand lower, toying with the top button of his jeans.

He gave a small groan.

Then his pager went off.

He gave a large groan.

He pulled away, glancing at the readout. “Shit. The captain. I’ve gotta go.”

And I swear he looked so dejected that I felt myself pack for that guilt trip again. He really didn’t deserve this. As cool as I might think hanging out all day on the Magnolia Lane set was, I knew it wasn’t Ramirez’s gig. Ramirez belonged working homicide. He was a cop who enjoyed all that gritty detective stuff, and he was damn good at it, too.

As he got into his SUV and pulled down the street, I vowed that, despite how little faith he might have in my abilities, I would make this up to him.

“Well, it seems clear to me, ” Dana said, popping a soy nut into her mouth. “Blow job. A little attention to Mr. Winky and I’m sure he’ll forgive you.”

“Know what? I think maybe you really are a sex addict.” I shook my head, blonde hair whipping my cheeks. “No, that’s not the kind of ‘making it up to him’ I mean. I mean I need to make this right. I need to get him reassigned back to homicide.”

“I give up. How do you do that?”

I shrugged. “Good question.”

We were sitting on my futon, watching last season’s DVD of Magnolia Lane for inspiration, trying to come up with some way to get Ramirez not only to forgive me, but somehow to put back the Humpty Dumpty of his career that I’d shoved off the wall the moment I’d walked into the Cabana Club.

I watched the screen, digging a hand into my own bag of snacks, Keebler fudge cookies. (As far as I was concerned, anything with the word soy in its name didn’t qualify as a comfort food. And after my encounter with Ramirez, I needed all the chocolate-covered comfort I could get.)

“Ashley, your husband will be home any minute.”

“Oh, he has no idea about us, the fool. Kiss me, Chad!”

“No, Ashley, it’s not right. What if he sees?”

“He’s blind to our love, Chad.”

“Oh, Ashley, you know I want to. I’ve wanted to since the moment I saw you. It’s just…”

“What, Chad? What’s wrong?”

“Oh come on, just kiss her!” Dana yelled at the TV. Then she crunched down hard on a salted soy nut. “Chad is gorgeous. She’s absolutely insane if she doesn’t kiss him. Who wouldn’t want to kiss him? I’d kiss him. In fact, I’d do more than kiss him…”Dana trailed off, mumbling to herself.

“Chad, I’ve never felt this way before.”

“Me either, Ashley. I swear, I’ve cut every woman’s lawn on Magnolia Lane, but yours-yours is special.”

“Oh, Chad!”

“Oh, Ashley!”

“Oh for the love of God, kiss him already!” Dana threw a soy nut at the TV.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yeah. Fine. Great. Why?” She crunched down on another nut.

“Um, no reason, ” I mumbled.

“Kiss me, Chad. Kiss me like you mean it.”

Dana leaned forward in her seat.

“I can’t wait another second to do just that, Ashley. Come here…”

“Wait-what’s that?”

“It sounds like a car door.”

“My husband. He’s home!”

“Argh!” Dana threw the bag of soy nuts down on the carpet as Chad and Ashley broke apart. Ashley stuffed her would-be lover in the closet as her husband came up the stairs and Dana mumbled, “Lousy timing, ” under her breath.

“Um, so did Therapist Max mention anything about the side effects of abstinence?”

Dana paused. “Sorry. I’m a little tense lately.”

“You know, maybe celibacy just isn’t for you.”

Dana shook her head. “No way. Two more days and I get a chip. I can do this. I am experiencing the joy of positive being as a single, non-physically dependent entity.” She picked the bag up and crunched down hard on another nut.

“Oh, yeah. I can feel the joy from here.”

Dana ignored me. “What are you going to do about Ramirez?”

I blew out a long breath. “I don’t know.” I watched Mia Carletto, aka Ashley, try to convince her husband that