I, Alien

than ours… Living for hundreds of billions of their years, we tend to move and think a good deal slower then them. When means Life can explode into existence and become technologically advanced in what to us true beings is little more than a short nap. A mere blink to us is hundreds of years for them. We must be ever vigilant to avoid such infections. My patient was not and is now paying that price.

“My brain is SPLITTING, Doctor!” he moaned. “Do SOMETHING!”

Yes, therein lies the problem Life causes us. When they become sufficiently advanced, they devise methods of traveling and communicating faster than light. This dirty little strain of Life called their FTL radio “Karsen waves”—after its discoverer. But the problem is that the esoteric wavelengths enabling this faster than light communication are the SAME as we think on. Life’s inane and petty garble drives us crazy like— to use one of their own metaphors—a thousand heavy metal bands jamming all at once inside your brain with NO way of turning down the volume.

“DOCTOR!”

“Just a moment more,” I said, projecting my most reassuring perceptions to him. “We are now starting the procedure… . Ah… You might want to brace yourself, this might hurt somewhat.”

“You said it wouldn’t.”

I ignored him and turned my perception so that only Quarble was aware of it. Quarble has assisted me in many such procedures, albeit not on this scale. But, then, I had never been faced with such a massive case of infection myself. I quickly consulted the medical literature one more time, steeled myself, and slapped Quarble’s limited attention over to the steps we would be following.

He was aghast. “Millions! Doc! Millions of super-novae!”

“Keep it down, Quarble,” I admonished, then relented and explained. “His infection is too far advanced, we have to apply maximum force and quickly! Destroy all their major hives and breeding planets.”

“It will kill him, Doc, kill him dead!”

“Very possibly,” I agreed. “But what would you rather have, a patient—cadaver or otherwise—free of infection, or to have that infection escaping him and starting an epidemic, perhaps even infecting us.”

“Burn him, Doc, burn him good!”

That Quarble, he’s ever a realist.

“Attend closely now,” I said, indicating the salient points to my treatment procedure. “And here we go. We start at what they call the Inner Frontier and work outward.”

With an anticipatory grin of glee, I initiated the first supernova. “Sizzle, little Life, SIZZLE!”

To Quarble and I, these actions were close to instantaneous; to the Life units, it was a century or two.

“Look, Doc, look! They are escaping!”

With irritation, I realized Quarble was correct. The screen clearly showed a mass evacuation—millions of huge ships carrying billions of Life units. Scurrying away from the cleansing flame.

Well, we’d fix THAT.

I waved my perception over the screen, activating 10,000 supernovae at once.

“Yes, YES!” Quarble screamed in delight. “Burn them, Doc, burn them!”

The patient screamed as the pain of the Life units communicating increased in internal volume.

With sudden horror I perceived that the 10,000 supernovae were NOT occurring. “This is impossible,” I said in disbelief, quickly checking the command I had issued. I had made no mistakes.

“Something’s wrong, Doc, something’s messed up, something’s…”

I slam Quarble’s dim mental presence aside as my fingers of perception fly over the screen trying this, trying that, performing all the emergency procedures in my long experience. NOTHING! The damn sequence has fizzled. Those slimy, slimy-miniscule-air-sucking-dirty-LITTLE Life units have somehow ABORTED my firing sequence.

“Oh, so we want to play games, do we?” I said, gritting the words out as I moved perceptions faster than I had in tens of billions of years.

“Here go,” I said, “HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS of simultaneous supernovae!”

Yes, it would kill the patient, but it would end THIS Life infestation, that’s for sure.

WHAM! Incredible pain coursed through my body and, judging by his screams, Quarble’s as well.

We had failed… incredibly we had failed… and Life had struck back in a blow that left me weak and reeling and Quarble whimpering.

Time for desperate tactics! “You’re going in, Quarble!” I said.

“NO!” he yelled in protest. “Not ‘throw the dwarf again!”

Despite all the heat of the moment, I could not help but smile—even Life units found throwing dwarves funny for some unknown reason. Well, let’s see just how FUNNY they would find another galaxy ava-lanching through their own and destroying all stars, planets, and Life units in its path.

With a mighty PUSH, I launched the terrified and screaming Quarble on his way. Good-bye, Milky Way. Hello, milkshake!

Yet, my own horror suddenly grew as I saw Quarble being batted back toward me. It took all my strength to divert his hurtling body, sending it off in a safe tangent away from me. But while I was managing that, a cascade of energy hits me, my defenses are weakened, my body is being invaded!

In sheer desperation I called out for help to my fellow physicians.

Perhaps had I been nicer to them in the past and a bit less arrogant? They make no effort to save me. The quarantine walls go up quickly.

Inside, I feel the first stirrings of Life.

YOU by Anonymous (aka Stephen Leigh)

YOU WONDER ABOUT the title, but you start to read.

You also grimace a bit at the use of second person, thinking it both a bit awkward and pretentious, and you wonder if the author is trying to make you think you are the protagonist of the story, that this paragraph is referring to you personally.

It is.

Now, you read those words and you grimace again and give a little half-exasperated huff of air. Almost, you start to argue back to the page, denying it, and then you stop. And there’s just the faintest, the tiniest bit of wonder, of something akin to hope—after all, you think, that would be interesting. That would be unusual. You can almost hear Rod Serling intoning the introduction for The Twilight Zone. You’ve always wanted something like that to happen to you, haven’t you?

Well, you’re right. These words are directed to you. Truly.

You’re not quite certain how that could be. After all, there are thousands of copies of this book out there circulating and how could the story know that it’s really you and not that overweight, balding programmer with a graying beard in the paper-stuffed apartment in Queens who’s also currently reading this at the moment. But it is you, not him. Why would it be him? He’s a loser. He hasn’t had more than one date with a woman for three years, and even those single dates have been rare. He goes out to bars once a month or so hoping to get lucky, but his social skills, never very good, have atrophied even further since his job doesn’t require him to actually hold a conversation with anyone, and so he usually ends wandering from circle to circle being ignored until closing time, and then going back to his room and popping one of his pornogrpahic DVDs into the player.

You’re not him. In fact, he stopped reading at the porn reference, tossing the book across the room in angry and futile denial.

You think that’s a rather harsh and brutal characterization (since you’ve known a few people who could fit that description) and you’re somewhat annoyed at it, but though the description is rather on the cold side, it is accurate and besides, you didn’t write it, so you don’t need to feel responsible. Even Bob the programmer (hi, Bob—don’t you love it when you see your name in print?), in those self-flagellating moments when he’s alone in his apartment with only the blue light of his laptop’s monitor