that caught the two tracks of tears meandering down Rita’s broad wrinkled cheeks.
“No,” she answered. “I lost that baby in California. When I was real sick, a bad doctor took the baby from me before it was time.”
There was a sharp intake of breath from the man on the bed, followed by a fit of coughing. “A boy or a girl?” Father John asked at last when he could speak once more.
“I don’t know,” Rita said. “I never saw it. They put me to sleep. When I woke up, the baby was gone.”
“When I heard about the murder, I assumed Gina was . . .”
Again Rita shook her head. “No. Gina was my husband Gordon’s granddaughter, not yours. Gordon took care of me when I was sick in California that time when I lost the baby. If it hadn’t been for him, I would have died, too. Gordon was a good man. He was a good husband who gave me a good son.”
“Gordon Antone.” Father John said the name carefully, as if testing the feel of the words on his lips. “Someone else I must pray for.”
“Rest now,” Rita said. “Try to get some sleep.”
Instead Father John reached out, picked up the rosary, and then dropped it into the palm of Rita’s hand before closing her fingers over it.
“Keep this for me,” he urged. “I have used it to pray for you every day for all these years. I won’t need it any longer.”
Without a word, Rita slipped the beads and crucifix into her pocket. Father John drifted off to sleep then. Eventually, so did Davy. When he awakened the next morning, the room was chilly, but Davy himself was warm. Overnight someone had put a pillow under his head and had covered him with a blanket. Rita, with her chin resting on her collarbone, still sat stolidly in the chair beside Father John’s bed, dozing. She woke up a few minutes later. The priest did not.
At age seven, this was Davy Ladd’s first personal experience with death. He had thought it would be scary, but somehow it wasn’t. He knew instinctively that in the room that night he had shared something beautiful with those two people, something important, although it would be years before he finally figured out exactly what it was.
In the three years David Ladd had been in Chicago, he had come to Calvary Cemetery often in hopes of establishing some kind of connection between himself and the names etched into the marble monuments of the Ladd family plot. The worldly remains of Garrison Walther Ladd II and III lay on either side of a headstone bearing his grandmother’s name. The only difference between Astrid’s grave marker and the other two was the lack of a date.
Respectfully, David put the wreath on his grandfather’s grave first. He had come to Chicago several times to visit his grandparents, first as a youngster and later as a teenager, flying out by himself over holidays along with all those other children being shuttled between custodial and non-custodial parents during school vacations. The flight attendants who had been designated to transfer him from plane to plane or from plane to the Ladds had always assumed that Davy was the product of a cross-country divorce. And some of the time he had gone along with that fiction, making up stories about where his father lived and what he did for a living. That was easier and far more fun than telling people the truth—that his father was dead.
Finished with his grandfather’s grave, David turned to his father’s. Breakfast with Astrid had lessened the impact of the latest visitation of the recurring dream. Vivid and disturbing, it had come to him every night for over a week now. Each time it came, he awakened the moment he saw his sister’s lifeless body in the middle of the kitchen floor. And when his eyes opened, his body would launch off, sweating and trembling, into yet another panic attack.
Night after night, the two events came together like a pair of evil twins—first the dream and then the panic attack. One followed the other as inevitably as night follows day. Davy went to bed at night almost as sick with dread at what was bound to come as he would be later when it did. As the days and virtually sleepless nights went by, anticipating the attacks became almost as shattering as the attacks themselves.
Up to that moment in the cemetery, the attacks themselves had always happened at night, in the privacy of his own room and always preceded by the dream. But right then, kneeling beside the marker bearing the name of Garrison Walther Ladd III, David felt his pulse begin to quicken. Moments later, his heart was hammering in his chest, knocking his ribs so hard that he could barely breathe. His hands began to tingle. He felt dizzy.
Not trusting his ability to remain upright, David sank down on the ground next to his father’s headstone and leaned against it for support. He tried to pray. As a child, the old priest, Father John, had taught him about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. And Rita had taught him about
But right then, in Davy’s hour of need, there in the hot, still air of that Chicago cemetery, all he could hear through the trees was the sound of traffic buzzing by on Lake Shore Drive. From where Davy sat, both Heavenly Father and Elder Brother seemed impossibly remote.
David had no idea how long the attack lasted. Eventually his breathing steadied and his heartbeat returned to normal. Weak and queasy, he returned to himself bathed in his own rank sweat.
Nothing to worry about, the doctor had said after running all those tests weeks before. After learning that Davy was about to embark on a cross-country drive, the emergency room physician had declined to prescribe any sedatives or tranquilizers that might have caused drowsiness.
“If you’re still having difficulties when you get back home to Arizona,” the doctor had told him, “you should consult with your family physician.”
If I get home, David Ladd thought. What if one of these spells came over him in the middle of a freeway somewhere when he was driving by himself? What would happen then?
David staggered to his feet. Still somewhat unsteady, he stood for some time, staring down at his father’s grave. This was one of the reasons he had come to Evanston in the first place, one of the reasons he had accepted his grandmother’s generous offer and applied to Northwestern. He had hoped that by coming here, he might somehow come to understand his father’s side of the story. After all, he had grown up and spent most of his life hearing his mother’s version of those long-ago events.
But the laudatory tales about Davy’s father that his grandmother told him were no help. Davy sensed that there was no more truth in them than there had been in his own mother’s clipped, bare-bones answers in the face of her son’s never-ending curiosity. And as for visiting the grave itself? That had told him less than nothing.
Shaking his head, David Ladd turned and walked away, wondering what to do with the solitary hours before the three-o’clock check-in time at the hotel. But by the time he reached the car, he had an answer.
