Across the River of Yesterday

She came slowly to him. 'Shall I turn on the light?'

'Not unless you want to. Sometimes darkness is better. You might toss me that robe on the chair. I'm naked as a jaybird and I don't want to shock your convent sensibilities.' He stood up and shrugged into the white terry cloth robe she handed him. 'There. Now come to bed and snuggle.' He drew back the sheet, pushed Serena down on the bed and then lay beside her, pulling her into his arms. She smelled clean and sweet and felt wonderfully right in his arms. As he tightened his clasp about her he realized she was trembling. He had thought she would be when he had heard her voice. She wouldn't have come to him if the pain of suppressing those memories hadn't been impossible to bear alone. He experienced a sudden aching regret as he realized what that meant. It was time.

He cradled her cheek against his shoulder, his palm cupping the back of her head. Thank heaven, she had come to him. She was very close to breaking, and she mustn't be alone when it happened. 'Now, we're going to talk a little. Is that all right with you?'

'Yes.' The assent was muffled against his shoulder.

'I think it's time we got to know each other. I was born on a little ranch in Texas and spent most of my childhood there. We lost the ranch when I was thirteen, and my parents died that same year. I was in an orphanage until I was sixteen and then wandered around the country, taking any job that came along.' His fingers were soothingly rubbing her temple. 'Then Vietnam and some more wandering. Recently I decided it would be better to be rich than to be poor, so I guess I'll have to settle down for a while. Ross will be very relieved. He has a taste for the good things of life. There. Now you know all about Gideon Brandt, Esquire.' He looked down at her. 'Have I talked you to sleep?'

'No.'

'Are you an only child?'

'No, I have a younger brother. I don't see much of him. He attends school in England. My stepfather was awarded custody of-' She broke off and he felt her stiffen against him. 'I don't want to talk about it.'

'You don't have to talk about it, you don't have to talk about anything.' His voice was very soft. 'But it's time we shot those bushwhackers out of the saddle and there's only one way to do it, Serena.'

'Gideon, I-'

'Shhh. You've got to invite them in and let them take their shot at you. You've got to remember. Then you'll be in control again.'

She could feel the panic rising within her. 'Nol'

'Yes.' His voice was totally certain and she suddenly remembered that Ross had called him relentless. 'It's time to face it. Then it will be all over and you can start to heal. You're not alone. I'm here. I'm holding you. Now, remember, Serena.'

She began to shake as if in the throes of malaria. 'Gideon…'

'Don't talk about it, unless you want to, but admit to yourself that it happened. It did happen.'

'No!' The word was uttered through clenched teeth. 'Don't make me!'

'You were in your nightgown, and your feet were bare.'

And she remembered.

The tears were suddenly raining down her cheeks and harsh sobs were wracking her body. 'Ugly. Oh, God, so much ugliness. Gideon…'

'It's all right, baby.' His voice was a low croon in her ear. 'It's all over, it's gone now.'

'It will never be gone. I'll always see…'

'No, you'll always remember, but after a while you won't see it anymore. There are so many beautiful things in the world, and I'll show them all to you. Whenever you start to remember, I'll pull another one out of the hat and then it will fade away again.' His voice was a level above a whisper as his hand stroked her hair. 'Do you believe me, Serena?'

'I don't know. I just don't…' The sobs were no longer tearing at her body, but she couldn't seem to stop the tears from flowing. 'I can't think.'

'Then I'll quit my jawing and let you rest.' His lips touched the top of her head. 'I'm not going to hassle you, baby. Relax now. You can think about what I said later. Right now, we'll talk about something else. What do you want to do?'

The sudden switch of subjects bewildered her. 'Do?'

'You know, do you want to swim the English Channel or be a clown in a circus or be the first lady to go to Mars?'

'Oh.' She wiped her wet cheeks with the back of her hand. 'I've always wanted to be an artist. I love to paint. My mother took me to the Louvre once when I was a little girl and someday I'm…' She trailed off, floundering. She was actually thinking about the future, she realized with astonishment.

'See?' Gideon said softly. 'There is a tomorrow. Now that you've faced the past, you can go on. One of these days you'll be as famous as Titian or Da Vinci or Rubinoff. Will you paint me a picture?'

Her arms tightened around him. 'I'll paint you a mural,' she said with passionate intensity. 'I'll paint you your own Sistine Chapel, if you like.'

He chuckled. 'I appreciate the gesture, but a painting will do. A Serena original.'

The tears had stopped. The wound was still throbbing, but it was already beginning to heal. 'You'll have it,' she whispered. She wanted to give him the moon, gift-wrapped. He had given her so much. 'Anything you want.'

He became very still. 'Lord, I wish you hadn't said that. I'm trying to remember what a youngster you are.' His hand resumed its gentle stroking. 'Listen, before you came I was lying here thinking about you, about us. When I was over in the Far East I picked up a lot of kind of strange ideas and one of them is about destiny. I believe some things are meant to be. Some people are meant to be together.' He paused. 'I think we're meant to be together, Serena. I know it sounds crazy, but almost from the first I realized we were right for each other. Can't you feel it? We're meant to love each other, to pleasure each other and help each other to be everything we can be. Why else were we both in that bar tonight? I think it must have been because we've been heading for each other all our lives and the time has come for us to be together. Now you're going to belong to me and I'm going to belong to you.'

Serena felt a wild surge of joy. To belong to Gideon would be to belong to gentleness, laughter and beauty. Then her spirits plummeted. It wasn't possible. Sin. She couldn't take any more than she already had from Gideon. 'No, I can't…'

'Hush.' He placed two fingers over her lips to silence her. 'I know you're not ready to think about any of this yet, but I wanted you to know how I felt. I'm not going to push you. You've still got some growing up to do, and I have to make enough money to keep us comfortable. But after all that's taken care of, we'll be together. It's important we both know that's going to happen.'

Serena felt her throat tighten painfully. In a way this pain was worse than what she had undergone before. 'Gideon, there's no way.'

'There's always a way. We'll just have to find it.' His fingers moved from her lips to cover her eyes. 'I'll start working on it in the morning. Go to sleep now.'

He wouldn't listen. He was already assuming control with the loveable autocracy she was beginning to recognize as a primary element of his character.

He never stops. Not ever. Ross's word came back to her and she felt a wild surge of regret and despair. He would face that ugliness and try to conquer it, but she couldn't stand that to happen.

'You're worrying again.'

She shook her head. 'No, not really.'

'Then what are you thinking about?'

'Your Hopi Indian friends.' Now. Snatch joy and safety now, for it might be a long time before she felt this happy again. 'Tell me how you came to know them. Tell me all the places you've been and the people you've met