Midwinter Sacrifice

‘No, nothing new. What do you think?’

‘I think you’d be welcome to come round, if you’d like to.’

‘Are you home?’

‘Yes. Are you coming?’

Malin looks at herself in the hall mirror, sees how the contours of her face seem to get weaker the more she looks at it.

Why resist?

She whispers down the phone, ‘I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming.’

She drinks a large glass of tequila before leaving the flat. Leaves a note on the hall floor.

Tove

They called from work. I’ve got my mobile

Mum

PART TWO

Brothers

In the darkness

Are you coming? Are you coming with love?

Sketches, notes, and my little black book with little black words, pictures of now, of the future, of the past, of blood.

I’m not mad. It’s only a part of me that’s given in, that’s come loose. What good did it do, talking to that psychologist?

It’s in the wardrobe at home, the notebook; here there are only crumbs, apples and everything that needs doing, that’s already done and needs doing again.

Let me in, do you hear? It’s cold out here. Let me in.

Why are you laughing? You laughter is tearing me apart.

It’s cold and damp. I want to go home. But this is probably my home now.

I want to join in and play.

Receive some love.

That’s all.

29

Wednesday, 8 February

Daniel Hogfeldt’s bedroom.

What am I doing here?

Are those his hands on my body? He’s eager, firm, caresses, nips, slaps. Does he hit me? Oh, let him. Let him scratch a little, it might as well hurt a bit.

I give way. Let it happen. His body is hard and that’s enough, I don’t give a damn who he is.

Grey walls. My hands near the chrome headboard, he nibbles at my lips, his tongue in my mouth and he pumps and pumps.

Sweat. Minus thirty-four degrees.

Tove, Janne, Dad, Mum, Ball-Bengt, Maria Murvall.

Daniel Hogfeldt on top of me, in charge. Do you think I’m yours, Daniel? We can pretend that if you like.

It hurts. And it’s nice.

She takes control, rolls away from him, forces him down on the mattress. Clambers on, in.

Now, Daniel. Now.

I disappear into the lovely pain. And it’s wonderful.

Can’t that be enough?

Malin is lying next to Daniel, twists herself up into a sitting position. Looks at the sleeping muscular body beside hers. Gets up, puts on her clothes, leaves the flat.

It’s five o’clock. Linkoping deserted.

She walks towards Police Headquarters.

I heard you, Malin, I was awake, but you didn’t notice.