We both slept fitfully. Claudia tossed next to me, restless, and I drifted in and out, sleeping and then lying on my side with my eyes open, making out shapes in the dark room. Nothing was wrong-we were safe-but my eyes stayed open, my mind picking over things at random. Moretti, who had to be saved somehow. Cavallini, searching the canal for the right mooring. Claudia in the hotel room, anxious, looking out the window to see if they were coming to get her.
I turned onto my back and looked up at the ceiling and the faint moving reflections of the moonlit water outside. It was back again, the uneasiness of those first weeks, waiting for the sun to come over the Redentore. But that had been the dread of being suddenly at loose ends, a kind of decompression. This was a formless worry. Claudia moved next to me, rolling to her side. Not formless. I saw her again in the hotel room, turning to me. And then neither would you. I’d always thought of it one way, me reassuring her, safe as long as I held her. But of course it had to work the other way. I was only safe as long as she held me. And now she was frightened, ready to run off, sure they knew. Afraid I would say something. Afraid she would say something.
She moved again, rolling farther away, and I slid quietly toward the edge, slipped out from under the blankets, and tiptoed toward the closet, grateful that the marchesa had scrimped on the squeaky parquet floors, a luxury for the public rooms. Here, on noiseless carpet, I could get my clothes and leave the room without a sound. I stopped at the door, checking, but Claudia hadn’t moved. I dressed and made my way to the stairs, not even aware of the dark, everything familiar from the sleepwalking nights.
But why would she say anything? For that matter, why would they believe her? I had lost a fortune-the one man in Venice Cavallini didn’t suspect. Unless he wanted to. Nothing was predictable. You met a girl at a party, and the next morning, on a boat, you have the first clear idea you’ve had in months. I thought of her as we pulled into Salute, intrigued, the start of it. Then looking out the hotel window for shadows. Lying in the same bed now, afraid of each other. But these were four-in-the-morning thoughts, irrational, gone in the daylight, like mist burning off. I turned the door latch carefully, making only a click as I stepped into the calle. Nobody was going to say anything.
It was breezy on the Zattere, and my head felt clearer, wide awake now. Across the channel the giant brick Stucky factory loomed over the gardens of the Giudecca. There were shouts and clanging sounds up ahead at the warehouses behind the maritime station. The city would be awake soon-bakers, the first dog-walkers, everything normal. I would check in with Cavallini. Maybe Rosa’s lawyers had managed to get Moretti out. If we could just get Cavallini to back away, the boy might not even be tried. A case any defense could fight, a trial nobody wanted. Then we could leave, go anywhere Claudia liked. I went into the workers’ cafe opposite San Sebastiano, feeling better. Nobody would say anything. The barman nodded, as if it had been a day, not weeks, since I’d last stopped in, and handed me a coffee still foamy on top. I stood at the window, looking across at the church. Veronese’s church, the dreary stone facade, then the riot of color inside.
She must have been standing outside the steamy door for a few minutes, hands stuck in her pockets, before I noticed the movement in the corner of my eye. She was biting her lip, not sure whether to smile, pleased with herself for having found me but slightly embarrassed. Or maybe waiting for me to be pleased. Then someone opened the door and she was in anyway, standing next to me.
“I thought you were asleep,” I said.
“I thought you were.”
“Coffee?”
She shook her head, then glanced around, taking in the other customers in their blue coveralls and caps.
“What is this place?”
“It opens early. I come here sometimes.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I couldn’t sleep, that’s all. How did you find me?”
“I looked out the window. I saw you on the Zattere. I didn’t know what to think.”
“I went for a walk.” I paused. “I was coming back.”
She looked away. “I just didn’t know where you were going. I was worried.”
I held up the coffee cup. “Sure?” She shook her head again and I finished it. “Come on,” I said, guiding her with a hand on her back. A few of the men turned, amused, making up their own stories.
“I didn’t want to be alone in the house,” she said outside, explaining. But it wasn’t the house. “It’s so stupid. To be like that,” she said, shaking a little, just as she had in the hotel.
“You’re cold.”
“There’s only the coat,” she said, drawing it closer. “I didn’t have time to dress.”
I glanced at her. Once it would have been fun, nothing underneath, our secret in the cafe, something to laugh about when we got back to bed, warming ourselves. Now I thought of her throwing it on, racing down the stairs, making sure of me.
“Come here,” I said, folding my arms around her. “You’ll freeze.”
She let her head fall against my neck, so that I could feel her breath, quietly shaking like the rest of her.
“I’m sorry,” she said, then tipped her head back, and I saw that there were tears, the shaking stronger.
“Claudia-”
She took a breath. “Nothing. It’s nerves.”
“Ssh,” I said, moving her closer. “It’s the cold, that’s all.”
She rubbed her face against my coat. “I didn’t want to be with anyone again. Remember, I told you? At La Fenice? I was afraid of that. And now? I’m afraid when you’re not there. So the joke is on me, yes?” She wiped her eyes.
“No joke,” I said, lifting her head. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“No? So it’s what you wanted. You wanted us to be together.”
“Don’t you?”
“Oh, me,” she said, brushing the question away, another tear. She looked up. “You’re still so sure?”
“Yes,” I said, suddenly filled with it, a certainty you could touch. Seeing her face at the water gate, her eyes looking at me as we moved the tarp. And after, at the hotel, clutching each other, no one else, no doubt at all.
“Yes, and at the nurse’s, I saw your face. You thought for a minute-yes, you did-is it all a story? Something I made up. The hospital. The camp. What if she’s-”
What I had thought, just for a minute.
“Why would I make it up? But you thought that.”
“Claudia, I’m not going anywhere.”
She looked down. “So we can watch each other.”
“No,” I said.
She raised her head, waiting.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said again.
She looked at me, then nodded, a kind of concession, her eyes moist again. “No, we can’t. Not now. It doesn’t matter why, does it? It’s the only way we’re safe.”
“That’s not-” I said, but she was leaning into me, away from the wind off the Zattere.
“I know. It’s all right,” she said, her voice muffled. “So come home.” She turned, crooking her arm through mine, something she’d done a hundred times before, and suddenly I felt as if we had been snapped together. I looked down at the arm, curved around mine like a link in a chain. Tied now.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Claudia and I were married at a magistrate’s office in a ceremony that lasted less than fifteen minutes. Mimi and Bertie were the witnesses, and because there was no party, no real wedding, they insisted on taking us to lunch afterward at the Gritti. I had called my mother and told her not to come, and after a squeal of protest I think she was relieved not to have to make the trip. We’d have a proper celebration later, she finally agreed, but why the rush? Claudia wore an off-white silk dress with a coral belt that we bought in the Calle Frazzaria, off San Marco, and Bertie somehow miraculously found a corsage of hothouse flowers that set it off like a giant tropical brooch. A man took souvenir pictures after we signed the registry, and we are all smiling in them. It was not the wedding any of us
