Laura shook her head. 'I'm not trying to wring an apology out of you. What we need to do is talk. Sit right here and tell each other what's on our minds. What we're feeling.' She placed her hand on his, white linen over mahogany. 'I can only imagine what you've been going through. I want to know.'
'It's very ugly, nothing you'd want to hear.'
'But I do! That's the point! How can we be intimate if we skate on the surface?'
'Share with me what you've been doing,' said Daniel. 'How's the Bethlehem painting going?'
'Dammit, Daniel!' She pulled her hand away. 'Why are you being so withholding!'
'Sharing is mutual,' he said quietly. 'You have things of beauty to share-your art, the home, the children. I have nothing to offer in return.'
'Your work-'
'My work is cruelty and blood.'
'I fell in love with a policeman. I married a policeman. Did it ever occur to you that I think what you do is beautiful? You're a guardian, a protector of the Jewish state, of all the artists and the mothers and the children. There's nothing ugly about that.'
'Some protector.' He looked away from her and took a sip of coffee.
'Come on, Daniel. Stop punishing yourself for the horrors of the world.'
He wanted to satisfy her, thought of how to begin, the right way to phrase things. But the words spun around in his head like clothes in a dryer, random sounds, nothing seemed to make sense.
He must have sat that way for a long time, because Laura was patient by nature, and finally she got up, looking defeated. The same look he'd just seen on his father's face.
You're a real harbinger of cheer, Pakad Sharavi.
'If you can't deal with it right now, fine. I can accept that, Daniel. But eventually you're going to have to.'
'I can,' said Daniel, taking hold of her wrist. 'I want to.'
'Then do it. There's no other way.'
He took a deep breath and forced himself to begin.
At twelve-fifteen, feeling freer than he had in a long time, he drove to Lieberman's and picked up the groceries, dancing a verbal ballet with the garrulous shopkeeper in order to avoid discussing the case. His next stop was a florist on Rehov Gershon Agron, where he bought a bouquet of daisies and had them arranged against a bed of leather fern along with a card on which he wrote I Love You,
Battling the traffic, he managed to get to the Dugma school by twelve twenty-eight, just in time to pick up the boys. He idled the car by the curb, searched for Sender Malkovsky's bulk among the group of parents waiting for the children.
The child molester was nowhere to be seen, which was hardly surprising-no way would he be that obvious. Looking for him had been an irrational bit of desperation, but compulsive, like checking under the bed for ghosts.
Two minutes passed slowly and Daniel filled them with speculation, wondering what Malkovsky was up to. If Avi was on him, right now, or back in the Old City, pounding the pavement with the Chinaman. Then he realized he was back on work-thoughts and forced them out of his mind. Replaced them with butterflies.
Mikey and Benny came out of the gate, saw him, and whooped. They tumbled into the car like dervishes, keeping up a steady stream of insults and kid jokes as he headed for Shoshi's school. When he got there, she was just leaving, walking with a group of other girls, all of them swinging the oversized plastic purses that had come into fashion, skipping and laughing, chirping like birds.
She was definitely the prettiest, he decided. None of the others came close.
She passed right by him, engrossed in conversation.
He honked and she looked up-disappointed. Usually she walked home; he'd picked her up as a nice surprise, but could see that she was embarrassed at being treated like a little kid. She said something to the other girls and ran to the car. The butterfly brooch was pinned to her blouse.
'Hello, Abba. What's the occasion?'
'Does there have to be an occasion?'
'You always say walking is good for me.'
'I got home early, thought we'd all do something to-gether.'
'What are we doing?' asked Mikey. 'The zoo,' said Benny. 'Let's go to the zoo.'
'Are we going to the zoo, Abba?' asked Mikey. 'Okay, okay!'
Shoshi glared at them. 'Will you both please shut up? The zoo is dumb, and besides, it closes early on Erev
Shabbat.'
The zoo is smart,' said Mikey. 'You're dumb.'
'Quiet, all of you,' said Daniel. 'Eema will need us to help out in about an hour. In the meantime, we could go down to the park, throw the ball around or something.'
Shoshi's friends began walking. She noticed the movement, turned and shouted, 'One second!' but they kept on going. Facing Daniel, she said, 'Abba, I'm in the middle of something. Can I go?'
